The Only Exception
by Achillia
Summary: Falling in love is easy, it's staying together that's hard. Add to that the threat of galactic extinction, and there's really no time for romance. But for Commander Shepard there is just one exception. My version of the Shenko romance story from ME1-ME2.
1. Prologue: The War

A/N – So, looks like I'm finally posting this. I've been working on it for awhile and well... it's as finished as it's ever going to be. I hope you guys like it. MAJOR thanks to my beta yo-sirrah who spent many hours correcting all of my silly mistakes.

Just for reference: Keira is a Colonist/ War Hero/ Vanguard/ Paragon Shepard.

Oh, and Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Prologue - The War<strong>

The very first time Commander Keira Shepard meets Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko she can't help but notice his eyes.

When she pulls him away from the beacon she can't help but notice the way his body seems to fit against hers.

When she wakes up after Eden Prime and sees him in the med-bay she can't help but notice his smile. By the time she finishes talking to him outside the med-bay she knows she's going to fall for him.

_'Oh no,' _she thinks once she's alone sometime after, '_that is __so__ inconvenient!' _And she knows she won't be able to stop herself, that his kind eyes and his soft smile will undo her. She realises she's going to have to fight, and fight hard, to resist him.

The first time Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko meets Commander Keira Shepard he can't help but notice the way her smile transforms her face.

When she pulls him away from the beacon he can't help but feel the strength in her arms behind her lithe form.

When she tells him that what happened on Eden Prime wasn't his fault, he can't help but smile at the kindness in her eyes. By the time she finishes talking to him outside the med-bay he's already in love with her, he just doesn't know it yet but he knows he's going to have to fight, and fight hard, not to act on it.

When he makes his little slip on the Citadel she has to fight down her blush and the leaping in her heart. She can't help but tell him she appreciates the thought but quickly follows it up with a reminder that they're on duty. It's the first battle of the war and she's already losing.

When she tells him she likes the man his past has made him he blushes and she can't help but find that adorable. He starts to think she likes him back, starts to think about what their life could be if they were somewhere and something else other than Commander and Lieutenant. His heart leaps into his mouth. She starts to appear in his dreams and it's then that he knows he's losing the war.

When he tells her he likes the adventurous type she can't help but hope he means her. She tries to quash the flutter in her heart, tries to deny her increased heartbeat. She starts to wonder what being with him would be like, in her spare moments she pictures their life in her head. He starts to appear in her dreams and she knows she's losing the war, and losing it badly.


	2. Chapter One: Of Tea and Chocolate

Thanks again to my beta yo-sirrah it always helps to have another pair of eyes

Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter One - Of Tea and Chocolate.<strong>

After Virmire he comes out of the med-bay and sees her sitting alone in the mess. Her shoulders are slumped; her head bowed staring into a steaming cup of something in front of her. She looks broken, defeated.

"Are you alright Commander?" he says softly and her head snaps towards him, surprised because she didn't hear the door opening. Quickly she turns her head away, but not before he sees the tears rolling down her cheeks. Keeping her face turned away she wipes those tears quickly on the back of her hand.

"Commander?" He asks again taking a step closer to the table and she turns her head back to face him, smiling sadly.

"I'm Commander Shepard." she replies, and he hears a sad note of humour behind her words. "I'm always alright." He looks at her a moment and he understands. She has to always be alright, always be strong, so that everyone else in the crew can lean on her. But who does she have to lean on? Who can she turn to? '_Me.' _he decides.

"You can talk to me Commander" he says, daring to take a seat opposite her. "You know, if you want." he adds not wanting to push her, to scare her away. "I'm not about to fall apart because my Commanding officer is human."

She gives a short humourless bark of laughter at that and raises her head to look at him, her green eyes searching his brown ones.

"No," she says raising her cup to her lips. "I don't suppose youwould." She hopes he can read the compliment in her words. She's trying to tell him he's too good a solider to need to rely on his superiors.

For a moment they sit in companionable silence and she finds she's strengthened a little by his presence. She breaks a line off the chocolate bar that he hadn't noticed lying on the table, and dips it into the still steaming cup. She stirs the drink with it for a moment before putting the chocolate in her mouth, slowly pulling it out through her lips, sucking off the melted chocolate. Some of the chocolate smears on her lips but her tongue darts out and licks it off. A very specific part of Kaidan realises how erotic her actions are but right now he's more concerned about her emotional state. Right now he just wants to be there for her...but he knows he'll be revisiting the image in the privacy of his pod later that night.

"You know," she begins, speaking in a low sad voice. "my mother used to say that a cup of tea and a bar of chocolate could solve anything."

"Tea?" he asks, having never heard of the drink with it having been more or less replaced by decaf coffee.

"Yeah," she says, "here, try some." and she slides the cup across the table towards him. He takes it in his hand, careful to touch his lips to the cup in the exact same place as hers had.

"Nice." He states simply as he slides the cup back to her. She nods.

"Let me get you one." She rises from her seat, wanting him to stay, to share this with her.

"I'll get it Commander." he offers half rising from his own seat, but she places a hand on his shoulder and gently pushes him back.

"Let me." she says softly. "Besides, do you even know how to make tea?"

He laughs and shakes his head. He watches her as she moves over to the drinks dispenser ordering a cup of hot water. She drops a teabag in the water from the box she'd left on top of the machine and adds two sugars along with one of the small cubes of milk. He watches her, enjoying the way her body moves, marvelling at the way in which her arms and hands so used to holding weapons could seem so delicate and deft off the battlefield. She walks back to him stirring the cup, dropping the tea bag into the bin as she passes it.

"Here." She puts the cup into his hand, their fingers brushing for a moment and the jolt of electricity they both feel has them staring into each other's eyes. Embarrassed, she looks away quickly, fighting down a blush. She returns to her seat opposite him.

"Thanks." he says around dry lips.

"You're welcome." she replies automatically, for a moment they're both silent but it is a pleasant kind of silence in which neither of them feel the need to talk. Eventually she breaks off another line of chocolate.

"Comfort food." she mumbles, dipping the line in her tea again.

"Do you need comforting?" he asks without thinking. "I uh...I mean..." but she smiles at him, having no idea how much that smile disarms him.

"A little." she says, finding his slip utterly adorable. "That's why I have these..." she adds indicating the tea and chocolate before her. "As a kid, whenever I was upset, my mum wouldn't say a word, she just used to put a bar of chocolate and a cup of tea in front of me and wait for me to start talking." She smiles to herself at the memory of a kitchen breakfast bar on a farm a lifetime ago, where she and her mother would sit side by side eating chocolate and drinking tea. "Over the years it became one small piece of home I could have with me anywhere."

"It's nice that you have something like that." he says. She nods dipping the chocolate in the tea again and sucking it off. Kaidan feels his heartbeat quicken in response. '_Does she have any idea how sexy she is?' _He wonders, '_Does she have any clue what she's doing to me?'_ He guesses not.

"I had to tell Ash's family..." she says quietly after a while looking away from him.

"That can't have been easy." he sympathises. She nods and moves her gaze back to her cup.

"I told them she died a hero. That she was an asset to the crew...I _wanted_ to tell them that I curse whatever twist of fate made me choose between the best friend I've had in 10 years and, well... you." she gabbles, the words tumbling from her mouth. She can't help it. She feels relaxed in his presence and she makes the confession without really thinking but as she moves her gaze to his she sees the pain in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Lieutenant." she apologises, draining the last of her cup and folding up the remainder of the chocolate. "I shouldn't be burdening you with this..." She stands to leave but gets trapped in his eyes as he looks up at her.

"I don't mind." he says and she feels herself sinking back into her seat. "...why me?" he asks, and she knows he isn't judging her. He isn't sorry that she chose him. He isn't angry with her, but he just needs to know.

"I couldn't risk the Geth getting to the bomb." She shrugs and, taking a breath, decides to tell him the whole truth. "Look..." she says, her mouth suddenly dry. "I...care...cared, about both of you. In the end I made the choice as a Commander...nothing else. It was a completely logical decision Lieutenant; let me assure you of that."

"I know that Shepard," he states simply, his heart leaping at the fact that she cares. That he hadn't been crazy to think that she could feel the same. "You're too good at what you do for that."

"Thank you, Kaidan." she says, granting herself the luxury of letting his name cross her lips and he feels a now familiar shudder as she does.

"Anytime, Shepard." he replies softly.

"Will you be ok?" she asks. He nods.

"Will you?" and he watches as she smiles at this.

"You know, I think I will." she says before standing. "Goodnight Lieutenant."

"Goodnight Commander." he replies and watches as she sweeps off in the direction of her quarters. He stays in the mess a while, finishing the tea she made for him...wondering if there could ever be anything between them.


	3. Chapter Two: Grounded

A/N – Just to say thanks for all the alert/fave adds, they made my day – I hope you guys are enjoying it.

And thanks yo-sirrah who fixed all the mistakes.

Bioware owns all, still.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Two - Grounded.<strong>

She gazes up at him. She isn't annoyed with him, not _really_, and if the positions were reversed she knows she'd be doing exactly the same thing. But right now all she wants is for him to tell her that it will be alright and then for him to hold her and kiss her and never let her go - except she knows he can't do any of those things.

"Come on Kaidan," she says, "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship...sometimes I need a shoulder."

"Yeah. I always leave a way out, you know that." he replies, shifting his weight, he looks down for a second before raising his head and meeting her eyes, wanting so badly to take that last step but knowing that he shouldn't. "I'm here for you. But we're in a rough spot and the last thing I want to do is muddy things." He continues, and she can't help but think how sweet he is in being so careful about...about whatever they are to each other. He chuckles. "Like it's all that clear to start with," he adds "Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

She doesn't have the answers but she likes the fact that they're thinking along the same lines.

"You can't just pull out a good old fashioned 'it'll be alright', can you?" she asks, smiling. It's what she wants to hear and she knows that if he says it then she has a chance of believing it.

"It's that simple huh?" He replies in that deep, husky voice of his that she loves so much "Alright then...everything will be fine Shepard. You'll figure it out."

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?" She smiles and so does he, each delighting in the way the other's face is transformed by it.

"I could get used to it." He says.

After some thought she ponders aloud. "Maybe it's time we took a little initiative?"

Kaidan fights down the urge to grin. That's the Shepard he knows so well.

"You got something up your sleeve. Shepard?" he questions. "What am I saying, when _don't_ you? That's what I lo-...appreciate about you."

Her eyes flicker to his at that, desperately trying to deny the leap she feels in her heart at what he had almost said. He lowers his gaze to the floor but she can just see the tint of red that colours his cheeks. She finds it utterly adorable, and she smiles.

"Galaxy in the balance and you trip talking to me." she says gently, hoping her tone speaks of how adorable she finds his slip. Hoping he knows that she wants him to continue.

"I just need a little practice, that's all." he replies, before quietly adding, "I think we've got some time..." she breathes deeply; suddenly she finds she wants to be closer to him, to stand near him, feel his arms around her. She tries to crush the thought but her indecision results in a half attempt to get up and when he reaches out his arm to help her she can't help but take it. She's not surprised to find that her hand feels almost right in his, and that even this simple touch sends electricity rushing from him down her arm and through her body. He pulls her up and into his arms before she can think. Her green eyes lock with his chocolate ones and she can't help but notice how being in his arms seems to feel so right, so perfect. He makes her feel safe, protected even.

He gazes at her with a look that takes her breath away. A steady, warm gaze that speaks of how he cares for her and of how much he wants for something to happen between them. His look strips her of all rational thought - it's entirely instinct as she leans towards him, he towards her, inches apart she is capable of only one thought, '_He's going to kiss me.'_ That single thought sends her heart thudding against her chest she takes one last breath becoming almost desperate to feel his lips on hers, then...

"Sorry to interrupt Commander, got a message coming in from Captain Anderson."

He closes his eyes and frowns, just for a second. But she sees it, just as she sees the expression that crosses his features...regret. Right at this second she could kill Joker, and Anderson _and_ the whole Alliance for snatching that moment away from them. '_Fuck the galaxy!'_ She thinks for a second before regaining control.

"Are you spying on us Joker?" she demands, still angry that the moment should be stolen from her.

"No ma'am, just knew you were on the ship and thought I'd pass the message on."

She sighs, inwardly cursing Joker and his efficiency. "Thank you Joker," she snaps, turning her gaze back to Kaidan who is now far too far away from her.

"I guess, you'd better go." he says his voice laced with disappointment.

She nods, her feelings a mirror of his. She turns to go but she stops herself and looks back towards him her green eyes sparkling and says "We'll continue this later, Lieutenant."

He raises his eyebrows shocked, but pleased, as he fights down another blush. When he speaks his voice is a tad deeper and raspier than it had been. "I'd like that ma'am." he says.

* * *

><p>Joker slumped back in his chair, undeniably proud of his work. Granted it would have been nice to see the Normandy's resident lovebirds finally get together but it was infinitely more entertaining to interrupt and he wouldn't have missed the frustrated look on Alenko's face for the world. Besides, in the betting pool that he'd personally set up he hadn't set the date for their first kiss until tomorrow so really, it was his duty to interrupt. He didn't want them to ruin their potential relationship by jumping in too soon, <em>and<em> losing him his credits in the process now did he? He had to admit though, Alenko had been crafty, pulling her into his arms like that. That had been a good move and if it had been planned then Alenko probably deserved a little credit for that particular stroke of genius despite the way he still couldn't seem to talk to her without stumbling over his own words. _'Idiot.' _

The betting pool itself had been running for several months now among certain members of the crew, namely those who Shepard probably wouldn't kill on sight if she ever found out about it. Mostly it was the ranking members, Dr. Chakwas had a bet that they wouldn't manage to get beyond a little battlefield flirting until they were facing certain death, or failing that, on shore leave. Pressely reckoned that the entire thing would have to be initiated by Shepard, but Joker wasn't too sure about that anymore based on what he'd just witnessed. Garrus was still clinging to the interesting little scenario that they'd cooked up together whereby Shepard dumped Kaidan for Liara. Apparently even a Turian could appreciate the idea of a beautiful human woman and a beautiful Asari together. Joker had to admit exploring that idea was a hell of way to waste an afternoon but he also had to admit that Shepard seemed to have it pretty bad for Alenko. Wrex, in his typical blunt manner had happily bet that Alenko and Shepard _would_ sleep together, commenting that if Alenko didn't bed her then he could hardly call himself a warrior. Williams had been in on it too but...

In fact at this point the only squad members who weren't involved were Kaidan, Liara, Tali and the Commander herself. They'd felt that Tali was a little to innocent perhaps to be drawn into their not-entirely-clean betting pool. Liara was excluded on the basis of Garrus' bet and obviously the Commander and Alenko couldn't be involved.

But still he, the good doctor, Pressley, Garrus and Wrex were having a good time of it, using the surveillance cameras to surreptitiously oversee the romantic shenanigans of their Commanding officer. It was both ridiculous fun and ridiculously annoying watching the two of them gradually stumble towards each other only to withdraw because of the regulations. Personally Joker thought they should just get over themselves and do it already, even if it was just to get rid of the obvious sexual tension between them, honestly what was already there was way worse than what would be there if they were together.

Behind him he hears the airlock opening and the VI announce that the Commander Officer was ashore. '_Huh,' _he thinks. '_At least she didn't shoot me... or worse. Glare.' _He shudders. Shepard's 'no fucking around' glare as he had named it was one of the most terrifying things he had ever seen. Seriously, a part of him believed that if she'd just turn that glare on Saren he'd run away to find his mummy. '_Problem solved.' _he thinks.

He's so busy concocting these situations in his head that he doesn't hear the soft deliberate military tread on the boards behind him and so he nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears a rough voice say, "Please tell me you weren't actually spying on us." and Joker turns his head to see Alenko standing behind him.

Turning back to his console, he grins. "Maybe, maybe not." he says.

Kaidan groans inwardly, because he knows that in Joker speak that means yes. Walking forwards he settles himself in his co-pilot chair. "I should punch you." he says mildly but he doesn't really mean it and Joker knows that.

"Sorry dude," he says, not in the least bit sorry, "but she was making it way too easy for you."

"What?" Kaidan questions incredulously his gaze snapping to face his friend becoming increasingly annoyed at Joker's constant interference. Joker shrugs.

"Dude, you were just stood there and I want to see if you have the balls to kiss her first." Kaidan closes his eyes a frustrated expression crossing his face. He considers Joker to be one of his best friends but, _Christ_, the man is annoying sometimes.

"So you stopped us, purely because you want _me_ to kiss _her_ first?" he questions, just for clarification.

"Yup!"

"Bastard." he breathes.

"Aw, thanks man." Joker says, taking great delight in the situation.

"I _would_ have kissed her, you know." Kaidan mutters quietly turning away from Joker to glance out of the window, reflecting on their lost moment.

"Prove it." Joker says laying down the challenge with relish.

Kaidan turns back to face him, "How?" he questions.

"Kiss her when she gets back," is the instant reply and Kaidan feels a knot of apprehension form in his stomach, "I'll bet you 100 creds that you don't have the guts to actually do it." He adds.

"You're on, Joker." Kaidan replies automatically, before instantly regretting those words. '_How the hell am I going to manage this?' _he thinks. She _had_ said she wanted to continue but how to get her back into the delightful situation they'd been in a moment ago?

As the minutes tick by Kaidan sits agonising over what to do, knowing that Joker is probably taking great delight in his agitation. It doesn't occur to him to refuse for two reasons; one he doesn't want to give Joker the satisfaction and two, a large part of him is desperate to get the kiss that Joker so cruelly denied him.

"You're up Alenko!" Joker says gleefully as the VI announces the Commander's presence aboard ship. Kaidan stands nervously wondering whether he's really going to do this or not. She comes storming into the cockpit in all her battle ready glory, the determined look she sometimes wears in the field plastered on her face and god help him, Kaidan had always found that look undeniably sexy...

"We've got a plan," she states without preamble, "Anderson going to..."

She stops mid sentence when she sees their expressions. Kaidan looking a little awkward and standing stiffly to attention, Joker sat in his chair facing her, looking decidedly mischievous and gleeful, '_Oh no...' _she thinks.

"What's going on?" she queries.

"Nothing Commander. Kaidan and I have a little bet going, that's all." Joker replies, his face a picture of delight.

"On?"

"On whether I have the guts to actually kiss you or not." Kaidan replies without thinking, his voice a soft purr that sends a shiver up her spine. She raises her eyebrows at him, a smile forming at the corner of her mouth. She finds she's unable to deny that the thought of finally kissing Kaidan is an intoxicating one, especially after that near kiss earlier. She looks towards him. Outwardly he appears nervous, shifting his weight, one arm raised to rub at the back of his neck...but the heat in his eyes tells a different story and as his eyes meet hers she can tell he wants to kiss her as badly as she wants to kiss him. Regulations be damned. She feels her heart start to quicken in her chest and she knows that she won't be able to stop it.

"And do you have the guts Lieutenant?" she questions, her voice silky soft and dangerous. It's a challenge, he knows that. What he doesn't know is whether she's saying it because she wants to kiss him or whether she just wants to see what he'll do. Either way he'll show her.

"Aw come on Commander, there's _absolutely _no way that he'll..." Joker starts to say, but he's cut off as Kaidan moves with surprising speed, encircling her waist with one arm the other cupping her cheek, gently but firmly pulling her mouth to his. His lips press against hers in a kiss that is gentle and tender and utterly perfect. She feels an explosion of warmth in the pit of her stomach. But all too soon he ends the kiss and her eyes snap open staring straight into his perfectly calm gaze his face so delightfully close to her own. Her eyes flicker across his face for a second then in a sudden movement she snakes her arms up his chest and around his neck pulling him back towards her mouth. His arms fully encircle her waist pulling her closer, almost crushing her against him, even picking her up a few inches and their mouths meet again in a longer, deeper, open-mouthed embrace. He places her back on the ground and they break the kiss, simultaneously remembering Joker's presence and the all regulations that want to keep them apart, but Kaidan doesn't yet release her and they stand, his arms round her waist, hers around his neck their foreheads resting together.

"Wow..." she breathes so only he can hear. He chuckles

"I'm glad you approve." he mumbles, smiling.

She grins, "So..." she starts, but Joker chooses that moment to cough loudly and she reluctantly steps away from him, remembering the task in hand. '_Focus Shepard,' _she tells herself.

"Well it seems you were wrong Joker." she says, trying to use her Commander voice but her thudding heart causes her voice to tremble slightly and she's suddenly thankful that it's only the three of them in the cockpit.

"Now..." she adds "Anderson's going to free us at any moment. Joker, I need the Normandy prepped and ready for flight."

"Aye Ma'am." Joker says spinning back to face the console his hands a blur as they fly across the monitors.

"And I'll need you to assemble the crew, Lieutenant." she continues in a quieter voice, smiling at him, her eyes softening as she gazes at the man whose kiss had sent her head reeling.

"Aye aye, Ma'am." he replies huskily, his voice causing her to shudder and the heat in his eyes make her feel decidedly warm as they flick down her body and back up again. Turning about he marches swiftly away from the cockpit. Keira cricks her neck to the side allowing herself to enjoy the view from his six as he walks away, before spinning to join Joker in staring at the console...waiting for the moment when red will turn to green and they can get back to work.


	4. Chapter Three: Ilos

A/N: So thanks again for the reviews and adds you guys! They cheered me right up, seriously smiling for ages.

Thanks yo-sirrah, again because you know, always fixing everything and keeping me motivated etc.

Bioware still owns all.

And so to Ilos...

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Three - Ilos<strong>

Kaidan hovers by his workstation, technically everything's done and he knows he should probably go to his pod and rest up before Ilos but that isn't what he wants to do. Then again what he wants to do involves breaking several regulations, regulations that both of them had rigorously upheld until a few moments ago. He isn't even sure that she'd be willing to break them completely. He isn't entirely sure _he_ is. He wonders for a moment whether it's the regulations that keep him from going to her or whether he's afraid that she'll reject him, like Rhana. '_You're a coward, Alenko,' _he tells himself fiercely, '_Just go in there and tell her!' _but even as he thinks this, his feet remain firmly rooted to the spot. Irritated, he runs his fingers through his hair, 'Y_ou could be dead in a matter of hours, can you face that without her knowing? Can you die without taking the chance?' _And this thought, while not exactly cheerful, steels him enough for him to be able to take those few steps to her door...

"Commander?" he says entering her cabin and seeing her seated at her desk.

"You probably shouldn't call me that," she replies standing to face him and he can virtually see the weight of what they've just done sitting on her shoulders. She gives a short snort of humourless laughter, "I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform" she adds.

"Yeah, hell of a thing." he agrees, her words serving to remind him of everything that's at stake. He finds he wants to share her burden with her, to let her know somehow that she's not alone. "We broke our oath to save the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship...if they wanted to get technical they could throw in kidnapping." He hopes the word 'we' shows her that he knows they did all this together, that he's with her all the way, but he's worried that she might think he's questioning her. A thought occurs to him and he chuckles inwardly. "We're a hell of an example of humanities best and brightest huh?" She smiles, but too briefly.

"I keep telling myself we're doing the right thing," she says, "I don't believe me yet." and his heart twists for her. She made this decision; she's the one who will be held accountable. He can't imagine what that feels like. '_You're not alone, Shepard.' _he thinks.

"Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing I wouldn't be here." he states simply and she smiles at that and he can only hope that it's because he's helping her in some small way. Suddenly the feelings that he's carried for her ever since they had first met swell in his chest and he's overcome with the desire to tell her exactly what she means to him.

"It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos," he says before taking a deep breath and continuing. "if things don't go well I want you to know...well...I've enjoyed serving under you." and he comes closer to her so that she can have no doubt about what exactly he means by that. When he does, looking at her with that intense stare, she finds she has to concentrate on breathing and like him she's suddenly overwhelmed with everything she knows she feels for him. She finds she wants to give in, that this is one battle she's suddenly desperate to lose.

"Kaidan," she whispers, before continuing in a stronger voice, "You stopped being a subordinate a long time ago, don't you think it's time to act like it?" And she's silently begging him, hoping he understands.

Kaidan feels his heart start to hammer against his chest, he's certain she can hear it. '_She doesn't think of me as beneath her.' _he thinks. It would be so easy now, so easy just to take her in his arms and kiss her...but he wants to be sure. Sure that if they survive that this can last, that everything will be alright.

"Battlefield flirting is one thing Shepard," he says before softly adding "there are regs against fraternization..." he chuckles, realising how ridiculous that sounds in the face of what they've just done "Huh, I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down on the list of charges at our court marshal." he takes one short breath steadying himself before he lets go of his last way out. "You know what?" he says, "You're right...about everything. I think about losing you and I can't stand it, and the galaxy will just keep going, everything, even the reapers will come around again, but you and I…" he smiles, for the first time they both hear themselves referred to as an item a definable unit, and it sounds so right "We... are important right now and this is what will never happen again, us... Shepard, you make me feel...human." and she knows she's lost, there's no hope of winning now. His kind eyes and sweet words have melted away the very last bit of her self- restraint. She's his, and suddenly she wants him to know that.

"Bunk here tonight Kaidan, with me." she states and there's no thought anymore, merely desire and love. What tomorrow brings doesn't matter to her anymore because right now is about them. _Us. _

"Is that an order Commander?" he queries smiling at her and raising his eyebrows coyly. She smiles back but she doesn't want it to be like that, not this time. To her he's an equal, a partner, and she wants him to see that.

"I'm not looking for a pet, Kaidan." she says, "I'd have gone elsewhere for that." And he hadn't realised it but this was what he'd wanted to hear.

"I'm glad you didn't." he replies. "This can't change anything, Shepard. This is a good crew, the finest I've served with, I don't wanna mess it up." He falls silent as she lays her hand against his cheek the touch sending shivers through both their bodies. She gazes at him and she knows she can't wait any longer, she wants to be with him, now and always, and so she pulls his mouth towards hers kissing him with all the passion that he's stirred inside her. He wastes no time in gathering her up in his arms clutching her to him, kissing her back just as passionately.

His hand slides up her back to the nape of her neck, resting there for a moment before reaching up to the tight bun she always wears her hair in. Gently he pulls her hair lose, the tresses tumbling free of their restraint and he buries his hand in it, promptly breaking the kiss in surprise. Her hair is curly, something he would never have suspected. It falls around her face in tight spiral curls that are clearly utterly natural. They frame her face perfectly, making her seem far softer and far more feminine. He steps back a little, though not utterly releasing her from his arms and takes in the sight of her, his hands gently bringing her hair more fully around her face. Her green eyes sparkle with adoration and desire, her cheeks are a little flushed and bring a natural colour to her face, her lips swollen from his kisses, so soft and pliable and her hair...those beautiful silky spirals frame this loveliness perfectly making her more beautiful, more human, and more alive than he's ever seen her before. Right now in this moment she looks lovelier than ever, and he finds that the sight is made even more beautiful by the fact that she is finally his. He tells her this. She blushes and tucks some stray curls behind her ear looking away from him. He immediately reaches out, retrieving the curls, cupping her face as he does so.

"Leave it," he mummers, "I think it's beautiful." She smiles at that and he brings her lips back to his. After that there are no more words. No thought, just instinct, and gentle caresses, kisses and moans and as the two of them come together in the way they had secretly wanted to since they first met.


	5. Chap 4: One Journey Ends, Another Begins

A/N So.. yeah update, hope you guys like it!

Thanks yo-sirrah you = awesome as you know.

Bioware own all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four - One Journey Ends, Another Begins. <strong>

A fear unlike any he has ever known before clutches at his heart as he crouches amongst the rubble that is now the Presidium. He feels like every muscle, every bone in his body has been pummelled but he's not concerned with that right now. '_Did she make it?' _ He hadn't seen what happened after she told them to run. He'd just felt the blast that knocked him off his feet. Gingerly he raises himself up on his arms,_ 'find her,' _it's all he can think of, all he cares about but as he moves his head he finds he can't see a thing.

"Shepard?" He calls hoping that she had somehow managed to catch up to them, that she would be safe and somehow there with him, but the only thing that greets him is silence.

"Garrus?" He tries.

"Uhhh." comes Garrus' distinctive gravelly voice from somewhere to the right of Kaidan. A sudden bright light pierces his vision, temporarily blinding him and he hears someone shout.

"Captain Anderson, we found them. They're in here." he looks up at that and now the rubble has been cleared he can see the level of damage done to the rest of the Presidium. Another wave of fear clutches at his heart. _'She was standing right there,' _he thinks. He had known that she might not make it and it was true that in his worst nightmares he had imagined what it would be like to lose her now. But through all of that some part of him had believed, still believed, in the legend that was Commander Shepard. Some part of him, despite the odds, believed that she'd get through this, just like the Blitz. But looking at the Presidium now he can't see how she could still be alive. Unwanted and unbidden, the image of her broken twisted body rises to the surface of his mind and his stomach lurches at the thought of her lifeless body...a body he'd been caressing only a few hours ago. Captain Anderson enters their little cubby hole and Kaidan tears his eyes away from the sight of the ruined Presidium. He finds he's shaking.

"Take it easy," Anderson says, "it's over, you're safe now...where's the Commander?" Kaidan makes no reply but lowers his head inwardly cursing whatever twist of fate determined that she should be taken from him after only one night. One night hadn't been enough. His only answer to Anderson's question is to raise his head to where she had been. The gesture and the lost look in his eyes gives Anderson all the answer he needs.

Kaidan lets Anderson help him to his feet unsure of what to say, what to do. All he can think of is her. He feels Anderson's arm leave his and automatically turns, and that's when he sees it. A flicker of movement, something through the rubble. He turns to look at Garrus behind him, wanting conformation, proof that he's actually seeing this and then...she's there. She climbs on top of the rubble, smiling like nothing even happened, beautiful and victorious. Relief washes over him and the urge to run to her and embrace her is almost overpowering. He wants to hold her in his arms, feel her lithe form against his, kiss the breath from her lips and feel her beating heart. He wants to reassure himself that she's really truly alive...but Andersons' presence prevents him from that and all he can do is stare at her in amazement.

Her eyes meet his and his heart leaps as she smiles at him. He can see she's just as relieved to see him as he'd been to see her. Without really thinking she makes her way towards him her eyes never leaving his, but he doesn't miss the slight limp or the way she's cradling her right arm.

"Glad to see you're alright Shepard." Anderson says once she's within earshot and she tears her eyes away from his.

"Thank you sir." she grunts, and now she's closer, Kaidan can see how pale she is and he activates his omni-tool almost out of reflex, so used to patching her up in the field.

"We were worried about you there for a moment, Commander." Garrus comments as he and Kaidan step forward.

"Aw, come on Garrus," she replies teasingly but Kaidan can hear the pain in her voice, "It's gonna take a lot more that to finish me off." Garrus snorts and shakes his head.

"Figures." he chuckles. She laughs and turns to face Kaidan.

"Doc?" she questions referring to him by the name she often called him in the field.

"You've dislocated your shoulder Shepard," he says looking at his omni-tool, surprised. Although he supposes he shouldn't be. Only Shepard could come through such a battle with only a dislocated shoulder to show for it. Still marvelling at her he adds, "Apart from that you're fine. I can set it for you if you want?"

She nods. "Please," she replies, "hurts like hell."

"We need to look for other causalities," Anderson orders before turning to her and adding, "Shepard, when you're done here you should report back to the _Normandy_. Contact Hackett and the council from there, they'll want a full report."

"Aye, Aye Sir." she grunts as Kaidan helps her over to a nearby pile of rubble that was probably not so very long ago an important and beautiful part of the Presidium.

"I'll help with the search," Garrus offers, "I'll meet you back at the _Normandy _Shepard."

"Thanks Garrus." she replies and she hopes he knows she's thanking him for far more than helping with the search. Garrus nods and follows Anderson and when they're out of earshot she turns to him.

'Let's get this over with.' she grimaces gesturing with her good arm to her shoulder. Kaidan nods and moves to kneel behind her.

"This is going to hurt." he says carefully taking a hold of her arm. She nods and takes a firm hold on a nearby beam. Taking a deep breath she nods to him, and he twists her arm in one quick, sharp movement, wincing a little when he hears the tell-tale crack and the hiss of pain that issues from her lips.

"Thanks..." she breathes through gritted teeth.

"You ok?" he asks moving to sit beside her. She nods.

"It's not my first time." she says gingerly moving her shoulder in a circular motion. For a moment they sit there side by side, taking in the enormity of what they've achieved together, enjoying the fact that they lived to see it all end. After awhile he notices that she's twisting her fingers in her lap and fidgeting, a classic sign of nervousness. She wets her lips.

"Kaidan, about last night..." she begins, but his thoughts are already way ahead of her.

'_She's going to tell me it was a mistake' _he thinks, '_She'll say she never wants to see me again, oh god what if she sends me away? I don't think I could bear it.'_ He's so busy thinking, so certain that she'll reject him, that he almost misses her next words.

"I just want you to know that... well... I didn't do anything rashly that night and that I don't regret it."

His heart leaps at her words and for a moment he's unsure what to say, too shocked that she should feel the same as he does. He never dreamed he could be that lucky.

She realises that her words aren't enough, that they don't convey even a fraction of what she feels for him but she had to say something. She knows that they may not have much time to talk after this moment and all she wants is for him to know that it wasn't just because they were staring death in the face, that he's important to her because in 29 years she never met a man who got under her skin as he did, whom she could trust implicitly, who genuinely seemed to care. But in 29 years she hasn't had a great amount of practice in handling men or relationships or love affairs. She knows it would be a mistake to handle it like a mission, but she doesn't exactly know how she should handle it, so she stumbles and hesitates and says stupid but _wonderful_ things like, _'bunk here tonight Kaidan.'_ from her heart instead of her head until she can figure it out.

"I don't regret it either Keira." he says quietly, trying out her first name for the first time and finding he likes the way it sounds on his lips. She raises her head looking at him with those beautiful green eyes. The urge to kiss her becomes so overwhelming and this time he can't resist so he takes a quick look around them and, when he sees no one, leans forward, gently touching his lips to hers. When he pulls away she keeps her eyes closed for a second savouring the taste of him. Her smile widens.

"I'm glad." she replies as she opens her eyes and silence descends again until, hesitantly, Kaiden speaks up.

"So I was wondering...I mean I don't know what happens now...but if we do get some shore leave...I was wondering...if..." he coughs. _'Pull yourself together Alenko,' _he tells himself. "If we could spend it together?" She grins finding that she loves the way he loses his head a little around her, particularly since she seems to suffer from the same fate, albeit to a lesser degree.

"I'd like that." she says softly, reaching out to run her fingers along his jaw line. For awhile they stay like that and then in the distance someone drops something with a loud clang and they jolt apart, suddenly remembering all the rules and regulations that had kept them apart until last night.

"We should go." she sighs, "I expect I'm needed in a lot of meetings."

He laughs and stands to help her to her feet. "Just promise me something, ok?" he questions as they make their way out of the wreckage.

"Anything." she replies smiling.

"Don't scare me like that again!" he says.

She smiles wryly. "I'll try my best Lieutenant." she snorts.

As it turned out there were meetings, a lot of them, Keira reported first to Hackett, then to the Council, then to Hackett _and _Anderson, telling and re-telling the story. The Council had also asked to see her a second time, wanting her to recommend someone for the new human councillor position. Essentially the choice had been between Anderson and Udina and Keira had relished the opportunity to spectacularly disappoint Udina.

In the meantime, using the _Normandy_ as a makeshift base of operations, her crew had been slowly helping to put the Citadel back together. Kaidan had been regulated to the technical crews and had spent most of his time fixing various bits and pieces that had been destroyed in the attack. The rest of his time was spent helping Chakwas treat the injured in the makeshift hospital.

When Keira wasn't busy giving her report she was being paraded around the survivors of the attack as the hero who had saved them. She had been aboard every remaining ship of the Fifth Fleet, greeting her fellow soldiers and offering her condolences for those that were lost. She had been asked to meet several important diplomats who had wanted to thank her personally and was forced to have her photo taken for a new set of recruitment posters. She hated every second of it. One blessing was that no one had bothered to arrange any accommodation for her or her crew so they had remained on the _Normandy_ and while she and Kaidan were too tired, too busy, and too hesitant to spend any time together, they did at least manage to make time to share a morning coffee every day. It wasn't much; half an hour at most and with the crew constantly filtering in and out they couldn't quite talk as freely as they wanted too, but if nothing else it was nice for her to have someone to complain to and to know that even though he couldn't accompany her, he was still there for her to lean on.

Finally, about a week after the battle, Anderson asked to see her.

"Shepard, good to see you." he says, turning to face her as soon as she enters the half-constructed room that will one day be his office.

"Good to see you too, sir." She replies snapping off a sharp salute.

"At ease," Anderson says raising his hand. He smiles, suddenly becoming the friend and mentor that she knows so well.

"I've been asked to inform you that the _Normandy_ is now fully repaired, restocked, refilled and up to speck." he adds leading her to the balcony that overlooks the Presidium.

"My team?" She questions.

"Will remain as it is. In light of everything you've done even the brass realise it's ridiculous to split up such a good crew." Anderson chuckles and inwardly Keira breathes a sigh of relief, one thing that had been increasingly worrying her was that her team might be divided. That he might be separated from her.

"And now for the bad news," Anderson continues, "We've picked up traces of Geth activity out in the Terminus, they're causing a bit of a storm. They want to dispatch the _Normandy_ to stop them."

"Geth, Sir?" she questions, confused. She had assumed that they would be helping to prepare for the Reaper invasion, or at the very least heading out to gather more intel, not hunt down Geth.

"I know Shepard," Anderson replies, "I don't like it either but it's going to take a while for everyone to come to terms with the idea of the Reapers and you stand as a very real reminder of what's coming. It might be better for you to disappear while everyone tries to accept it all." Keira turns a disbelieving look towards her mentor.

"You sure we're not just being sent away so the Reapers can be swept under the rug?" she questions.

"No," he answers honestly, "but if that's the case I'll do all I can to make the truth known. But for you it might be better to go along with what the Council and the brass want for the moment." Keira nods understanding, she's always trusted Anderson's judgment and if he thinks it's better to play along then she'll play along. Besides, doing what the brass wanted for once is probably not such a bad idea, particularly in light of the fact that she had just committed munity.

"When do we ship out?" she asks.

"In two days," Anderson says laying a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry Shepard," he adds, "I tried to get you a longer shore leave but it seems they want you out of here as soon as possible." Keira grimaces. She had hoped for longer. After a week of frustration, of not being able to talk with him properly, or even flirt, one of the few things that had kept her sane was the idea of a long stretch of shore leave which she'd planned to use to become better acquainted with her Lieutenant. But two days would have to do.

"Two days will be fine Sir." she replies neutrally.

"Good," Anderson states, "fortunately there are enough..._unoccupied_ military apartments on the Citadel to accommodate your crew so you won't have to stay on the _Normandy_. Here's a list of room assignments." he finishes handing her a data pad. She takes it her jaw clenching at the thought of the lives that were lost in order for these apartments to be empty. Lives that she had sacrificed.

"I'll make sure everyone gets their place, Sir." she says.

'Good," He replies, "dismissed Commander. Enjoy your leave." and Keira snaps off another quick salute and leaves, heading for the _Normandy._ When she arrives she finds Kaidan waiting for her outside the airlock.

"Crew assembled and ready as per your orders, Commander." he states as she approaches snapping off a salute. She nods.

"Good," she replies, "it seems we've been given a little shore leave." Kaidan frowns, not at all liking her use of the word 'little'

"How long?" he asks.

She sighs knowing that he won't like the answer. "Two days."

"Two days?" Kaidan echoes. He had also been hoping for more. He'd been missing their private one-on-one chats and so to make up for it he'd occupied his time planning their leave, retreating into that private fantasy world he'd built while in his pod on the _Normandy_, where they were just Keira and Kaidan, not Commander and Lieutenant. He had them going to his dad's old fishing cabin on the lake, or spending a few weeks on a beach. The idea of Shepard in a bathing suit had caused him to have a semi-fatal lapse in concentration and he'd managed to give himself a mild electric shock. He'd taken her to all his favourite places, and out to dinner, and dancing, not that Shepard was the type to dance but he'd enjoyed the mental image of her pressed up against him as they swayed together on the mythical dance floor in his head. Now there wouldn't be time for any of that.

"I know," she says smiling sadly at him. Taking a step closer and dropping her voice she continues "I was hoping for more time with you."

He smiles at that. "As was I...ma'am." he replies, the huskiness of his voice causing a shiver to run though her. Tilting her head left and right checking to make sure that everyone is out of earshot, she adds.

"We've each been given our own apartments. Mine appears to be 214C, I imagine I'll be there alone at, say...twenty hundred hours?" He nods, thrilled that they will finally have some time together, no matter how short.

"I imagine I'll be free at twenty hundred hours." he whispers back and once again she shivers at the sound of his low, sexy rasp.

"Good," She replies grinning. "I may even have a little surprise for you..." She adds, her eyes twinkling as she turns and heads towards the airlock.


	6. Chapter Five: Shore Leave

A/N – so ugghhh there's something wrong with this chapter, I don't know what and frankly I've given up on trying to fix it. Sirrah disagrees but I still can't help thinking it isn't right somehow. So in the words of Seth McFarlane just do me a favour and lower your expectation on this one ok? Ok. (actually while we're at it the next two aren't so great either but stay with me I promise it gets better)

Thanks for the reviews and adds you've no idea how much I appreciate them and thanks to my marvellous beta as always.

Bioware owns all, as I'm sure you know.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Five - Shore Leave<strong>

She paces back and forth in the small apartment, her eyes darting to the mirror every few steps. _'For goodness sake, woman!' _she growls at herself. '_You can handle one man! I mean for crying out loud, you took out a Reaper! You can handle Kaidan Alenko!'_ Nervously she stalks across the room once more, halting in front of the mirror. _'Is it too much?' _She wonders, _'Will he like it?'_ A part of her is surprised by her nerves; after all she could face an entire legion of Geth head-on without blinking an eye, yet the thought of finally being with Kaidan again as a woman instead of a Commander sent her head reeling. Then again she supposes she shouldn't be surprised since she'd had years of practice and training to prepare her for battling Geth whereas this is different, new, uncertain and somehow scarier. The fact that it's somewhat forbidden doesn't help. Eventually a short sharp knock at the door interrupts her thoughts. Crossing the room she takes one last look in the mirror stopping to replace that one annoying curl that just won't sit right. She glances at her reflection again, _'it'll do.'_ she thinks. Crossing to stand a few paces behind the door she takes a deep breath.

"Who is it?" she calls, proud of how steady her voice sounds.

"It's me." replies a deep masculine voice from the other side of the door. It's unmistakably his voice.

"It's open." she shouts. Instantly the door opens and Kaidan steps in, glancing behind his shoulder and checking to make sure that no-one sees him enter her room.

"Hey you." she says, smiling.

He turns to face her and freezes. He didn't know what he had expected to find on the other side of the door but it wasn't Commander Shepard stood there wearing nothing but lace underwear, a silky robe and combat boots. He stares, he can't help it. The underwear is all black lace and frills and he can see everything - the slender curve of her waist, her taut abdomen. His eyes travel up her body from her perfectly shaped legs to the curve of her hips to the line where her bra meets her breasts in a perfect, seamless line. Eventually he meets her large green eyes which sparkle with a glorious mischievous glint before taking in her cheeky half smile which shows off the fullness of her lips.

"Damn Shepard." he breathes.

"See something you like Lieutenant?" she asks coyly as she stretches one arm further up the wall she's leaning against while placing the other on her hip, slowly drawing back the robe to reveal a little more of her naked flesh.

"I'll say." He steps closer to her, deftly he captures her in his arms and lowers his head to kiss her smiling lips. She slides her hands up his muscular arms, twining them around his neck and pulling his mouth closer to hers and in the same movement she pushes her body firmly against his. The sight of her alone had set Kaidan's heart racing and now the feel of her barely clothed body against his threatened to make him lose control. He moans against her mouth, deepening the kiss, sliding his tongue between her teeth eliciting an answering moan from her. Their biotic auras activate simultaneously, washing around them, melding together and adding infinitely more to the sensation.

He slides his hand from her waist down to cup her behind setting her firmly against his growing arousal and causing them both to moan again. He breaks the kiss and gazes at her, his chocolate eyes smouldering into hers and he places one hand at the small of her back, his other hand in the crook of her knees, scooping her up in one smooth movement. Keira feels her heart quicken as he carries her, his eyes still focused on her, a little further into the room. She wraps her arms around his neck pulling herself up to his lips and he holds her tighter as she kisses him, loving the feel of her strong, lithe, practically naked form in his arms, their kiss becoming increasingly ferocious.

"Bed," Kaidan rasps when the need for air forces their lips apart. "Where?" Unable to speak she removes one of her arms from his neck and gestures wildly behind her. He chuckles and carries her further into the room. He spots the bed in the corner and gently lays her on it, covering her body with his own. She gazes up at him still not quite able to believe that this wonderful man is hers to have once again.

"You're wearing too many clothes Lieutenant." she whispers against his mouth. He chuckles.

"Apologies ma'am." he growls before kneeling up on the bed and slowly, _oh so slowly_ pulling his shirt over his head. The gradual exposing of his toned, muscular chest makes her head swim. Unable to contain herself she sits up, pulling his mouth to hers in a kiss fuelled by pure lust. Her kiss threatens to drive him over the edge and he finds he can't wait any longer. Growling against her lips he gently but firmly pushes her back onto the bed.

"You're going to drive me insane Shepard." he says lifting both her arms above her head pinning her to the bed.

"I haven't started yet, Lieutenant..." she replies wrapping her legs around his waist pulling him ever closer to her.

* * *

><p>Hours later he awakes to what is perhaps the most terrifying sound in the universe, the sound of Shepard screaming. Turning to face her he's shocked to find that she's writhing and twisting on the bed her face contorted with some kind of pain. Every one of her strong limbs is tense, strained. A faint blue shimmer covers her body and he realises she's having a biotic nightmare. Raising a barrier as a precaution he gently leans towards her, smoothing her sodden hair out of her face and she relaxes a little. When she stills for a moment he leans down to her ear holding onto her gently, trying to still her.<p>

"Keira," he whispers in her ear, "wake up, please." he says trying not to let how worried he is show in his voice.

"Keira please, come back." he all but begs. Instantly she stills completely for a moment, then she gasps and sits bolt upright. He moves back just in time and envelopes her in his arms.

"Shhh," he whispers in her ear as he clutches her shaking form to him, "it's all right, just a dream Keira." She makes no reply but clings to him shaking, sobbing into his shoulder. He smiles against her hair, relieved. Despite himself he can't help but feel a little pleased because, while he hated to see her like this - so afraid, so upset, so utterly vulnerable - a part of him loves the fact that he can be here to help her. That he was the only one who would ever see this side of her. The only one who could protect her.

He protected her on the battlefield in a way of course. But then she protected him also, and even Garrus was always there to watch her back. On the battlefield he protected her as a soldier and a comrade and she did likewise, but rescuing her from her nightmare is an altogether more intimate, gentle and personal way of protecting her. A way in which only he can help her, one small way in which he could be her hero.

Without another word he lays her back on the bed, wrapping his arms and the blanket around the both of them creating a sort of cocoon, an illusion of safety, letting her know he'll do all he can to protect her from the images in her head. She's still shaking a little but she settles herself against him, holding on tightly. Eventually he hears the change in her breathing that lets him know she's asleep again, and it's then and only then that he completely relaxes, but he's still worried. He's sure biotic nightmares shouldn't affect her like this. Not this badly. He wonders what the cause could be, and falls asleep wondering still.

* * *

><p>The next morning the fake sunlight of the Citadel streams through the window and hits Shepard's sleeping form. Her loose, tousled hair tumbles across the pillows behind her as she lies on her side facing him. He lies alongside her, propping his head on his elbow, his hand gently resting in the curve of her hip, just watching her sleep. He finds he likes seeing her like this. Rarely has he ever seen her look so peaceful. With Shepard one got the sense that she was always thinking, always one step ahead, always something going on behind those green eyes. But right now she's merely at peace, not constantly planning her next move or a new strategy, but just resting. As he watches her shift a little in her sleep, a slight frown adorably creasing her forehead for a moment, he marvels at the fact that he's the only person to see her this way. This Shepard, the one before him now, is his and his alone. He smiles again and can't resist gently pressing his lips to her forehead. She moves and then slowly blinks open those beautiful green eyes. She gives him a sleepy half smile when she sees him watching her.<p>

"Hey." she mumbles and the groggy, soft, sleepy sound of her voice is just adorable.

"Hey." he whispers back.

"Guarding me in my sleep?" she queries still using that voice.

"Something like that." he replies. She smiles at him before closing her eyes again. Lazily she shifts over to him and nestles her head on his shoulder. He grins to himself as he automatically wraps his arms around her and pulls her closer, smiling into her hair. She sighs happily.

"This is perfect." she whispers into his shoulder and he knows she means waking up together.

"I couldn't agree more." he murmurs back, holding her close.

'Promise me something?' she asks, and he smiles and kisses her forehead.

"What?"

"For the next two days, I'm not your Commander and you're not my Lieutenant. We didn't just save the entire galaxy and anyone who says we have to go back to the _Normandy_ anytime soon is lying." He chuckles.

"Agreed." he says. For awhile they doze lazily until Kaidan can wait no longer to ask the question that's been on his mind since last night.

"Keira?" he questions hesitantly, still finding a little thrill in calling her by her first name. She shifts against him.

"mmm?" she murmurs in response.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

Kaidan takes a deep breath not really wanting to drag out all her fears but knowing that he has too in order to help her. "Are your nightmares always that bad?" he questions. She freezes for a moment before moving away from him so that she can face him. As she gazes into his handsome face she sees his concern for her in his eyes and she smiles, touched that he would worry about her. It's odd but she finds she loves the way he cares for her, protects her. Even if that protection is completely superfluous, she likes that it's there. She finds it's surprisingly easy to tell him the truth.

"No," she replies, "at least they never used to be." He frowns, confused.

"What changed?" he asks, before adding, "you can tell me." When she hesitates, she takes one deep breath, she knows he'll feel guilty and she doesn't want to hurt him but she knows that he wants to help and that he's probably the only person she'd _let_ help her and so she has to tell him.

"The beacon on Eden Prime." she says in a small voice. He frowns and feels a wave of guilt swirl in his gut. The same guilt he'd felt in the med bay after their very first mission together. He opens his mouth but she gently lays her hand across it forestalling his apology and he finds himself kissing her fingertips instead.

"Don't be," she states softly, "after everything that's happened I'm glad it was me."

"But..." he murmurs around her hand.

"Really," she reiterates, "anyway, to me the only difference is that now I feel physically drained as well as emotionally drained after a nightmare." she adds, trying to downplay how deeply the nightmares affect her. "I can't imagine it looks pretty though..." she adds and he detects a note of concern behind her words, like she's worried he'll be scared away. Instinctively he pulls her a little closer.

"Don't worry Keira," he rumbles softly to her. "I'm here to stay. I'll help anyway I can."

She smiles at that. _'Of course he will.' _she thinks and she's suddenly reminded of how, in one way or another, he's always been there for her, whenever she needed him, whenever she needed any kind of help. Whether it was patching her up on the field or the way he'd sat with her after Ashley's death, or even when he was just there, stood behind her silently supporting her. Never in a way that damaged her pride or her Commander fa_ç_ade, never did he need to be asked but he was always there, quiet and strong. A rock for her to fall back on if and when she needed it.

"Come to think of it," she ponders sitting up a little and thinking seriously, "I don't feel so exhausted this morning. Whatever you did to wake me up seems to have kept the worst of it at bay." She pauses, "...what _did_ you do by the way?" He shrugs and sits up a little, mimicking her position; he blinks at her, slightly surprised by the question.

"I just...called you back." he stammers, and she raises her eyebrows in surprise.

"Interesting," she says. "I thought I heard you call my name, but I wasn't sure whether it was in the dream or not... hmmm." She turns her head to gaze across the room but she's not really seeing it and Kaidan knows the expression that appears on her face all too well. He's seen her wear it countless times in the briefing room, on the battlefield. It was the expression she wore when she was trying to figure something out. If you looked hard enough or knew her well enough, you could practically see the way the information seeps into her head; hear the cogs turning as her brilliant mind works everything out. It was comforting in a way; one of the many things that made her such a fantastic leader. You always knew Shepard would figure it out. '_But not today,'_ he decides, _'today is not for thinking.'_

"Well I'm more than happy to do it whenever you need it, if it works," he promises, shifting closer to her in order to drape his arms around her waist and shoulder, "does it matter why?" To his relief she smiles and turns, settling herself into his arms and resting her head on his shoulder.

"I suppose not." she agrees sighing happily, resolving to forget about it for the time being. Lifting her head she presses her lips to his, capturing his mouth and kissing him in a way that lets him know just how much she appreciates him always being there for her. Smiling, Kaidan returns her kiss, pulling her naked form closer and shifting them both so that they are lying on the bed once again.

Eventually, after many attempts the two of them manage to get out of bed, Keira claiming the shower first. When she's all done she hops out throwing on an age-old pair of jeans and a plain blue t-shirt. From his position seated at the desk, Kaidan watches her movements appreciatively. He realises he's never seen her in anything other than her armour, her uniform and recently her underwear could be added to that list, but never had he seen her in utterly normal civilian clothes.

He'd always thought her beautiful since the moment he'd seen her very first recruitment poster, add to that the presence that she always commanded and the hero worship that followed her after the Blitz and it really wasn't any surprise that almost every marine in the fleet was infatuated with her on some level. But seeing her completely relaxed and in civilian clothes, deftly applying her trademark line of eyeliner he realises that she's utterly beautiful anyway, without all that, if she were a totally ordinary woman he'd still find her irresistible. Smiling he turns back to the terminal typing a quick letter to his father.

"I'm going to go find us something to eat." she says reaching up to release her hair from the towel she'd wrapped it up in. He looks away from the terminal again to watch those beautiful curly tresses tumble down to her shoulders. She looks over to him and grins. "I don't know about you but I'm starving." He nods.

"Me too." he agrees. She walks over to him, taking a hair tie between her teeth and reaching up to tie her hair back.

"Don't?" he pleads as she's about to fix the tie in, and she freezes loving the way that it's half an order and half a tentative request. She drops her hand snapping the tie onto her wrist.

"Why not?" she queries, standing to the side of his chair and tilting her head, regarding him with a wry smile on her face. He stands in one fluid movement, facing her, reaching out to gently run his fingers through the feature of hers currently under discussion.

"It's just...lovely and pretty and it suits you." he replies gently, loving the warm, soft look that appears in her eyes at his words.

"My mother had it too you know," she says softly, "That's why I keep it long. She loved it so I suppose I ought to too, huh?"

"Yes you should." he agrees gently, earning himself another one of her genuine smiles. Slowly he pulls her into his arms, bending his head to give her smiling lips a slow, lingering kiss, loving the fact that he's allowed to do this with such ease now after wanting her for so long. When he pulls away he's thrilled to see she's still smiling, even more so than before.

"How about that food then?" she questions after a moment.

"Food sounds good." he replies releasing her from his arms. She walks towards the door, scooping up her omni tool from the table on the way. Just as she's about to open the door she turns to face him.

"You'll be here when I get back right?" she asks, and she knows it's silly, knows that he'd never leave like that but she's had a few too many one night stands that ended that way when she didn't necessarily want them too, and she knows that Kaidan is different but old habits die hard and she just needs the reassurance. He seems to understand though because he merely smiles.

"I'm not going anywhere Keira." he says, and with that she turns and sweeps out the door.

A few moments later she returns, her arms laden with food containers, to find him now fully clothed and showered and sprawled casually on the bed reading. He looks over to her as she enters, immediately rising to help her with the bags.

"I think I got us enough to last us for the next two days." she says as they carry the bags into the small kitchen. He smiles reaching up to place a packet of energy bars in a random cupboard.

"You planning on keeping me here then Shepard?" he questions, positively grinning. She looks over to him from where she's emptying another bag onto the countertop.

Smiling, she says "You bet I am...even if I have to order you to stay." Her eyes sparkle with a humorous glint. He comes over to her and wrapping his arms around her waist pulls her into a sudden, fierce hug. Happily she throws her arms around his neck, returning the embrace.

"Believe me, I want to be here Keira, probably more than you realise. No orders necessary." he mumbles in her ear and feels her relax into his arms. For awhile they stay like that until Kaidan's stomach grumbles loudly. They both laugh and step away from each other.

"I think I could use something to eat." he announces and she laughs again.

"Do you think so?" she questions teasingly. He laughs and together they gather up a few of the freshly purchased snacks and head into the small living room. For a moment they simply sit side by side munching contentedly and Keira takes a moment to consider this wonderful turn of events. Being here with him still feels a little surreal, almost like she's stepped into someone else's life. Unconsciously she shifts a little closer to him, simply enjoying his presence. She finds she loves having him here, where they can simply _be_. No threat of death hanging over their heads, no constant reminders about regulations, no more guarded flirtation in case one of the crew should suddenly appear. Right here and right now they can simply be themselves as individuals, not soldiers. Something which has become a rare and beautiful thing for her.

Suddenly she realises she actually knows very little about him. Sure, she knows he's a damn fine marine and that there's no one else she'd rather have watching her six. She knows that he's a powerful biotic and that he paid for that power in the worst possible way. She knows he's quiet and cautious but strong and that he has a witty sense of humour that emerges from his quiet demeanour only once in a while. She knows how he takes his coffee in the morning, and that he eats his chips with far too much salt on them. She knows he can kiss her in such a way that her knees feel weak and in such a way that can make her desire him more than she's ever desired a man. She knows he can do some marvellous things with his hands that have nothing whatsoever to do with stripping weapons and she knows that he cares for her as she cares for him... but it's not enough. She finds she wants to know _everything_ about him. Everything. Even trivial things like...

"What's your favourite colour?" she asks him suddenly, causing him to splutter on the drink he'd been drinking

"Um...what?" he questions, puzzled, and she finds it a struggle not to laugh at his adorably perplexed expression.

"What's your favourite colour?" she repeats. He regards her for a moment one eyebrow raised quizzically.

"Why do you want to know?" he asks, she shrugs.

"I just realised I don't know that much about you, and I want to. So tell me, or else." she says in a matter of fact manner.

He turns to face her raising one eyebrow, and her words make him realise that he doesn't know that much about her either. Sure he knows that she's a fantastic Commander and that she's charismatic in a way unlike anyone else. He knows there's no one else he'd rather be taking his orders from. He knows that despite what she says, she's afraid of her nightmares but she'd never show that fear to anyone other than him. He knows that she can wield any type of gun with a deadly accuracy and that she'd never think of herself as a hero even though she is one. He knows how she takes her coffee in the morning and that she likes chocolate dipped in tea. He knows that she fits into his arms better than any woman he'd ever met and he knows that her lips are soft and pliable and that there's no sound he'd rather hear than the sound of her screaming his name. He knows that she looks damn fine in nothing but her underwear and that she cares for him as he cares for her...but it's not enough. He knows virtually nothing, not even her favourite colour.

"Green," he states simply and she notes but doesn't comment on the fact that his favourite colour is the colour of her eyes. "What's yours?" he asks.

"Purple." she replies.

"Purple." he repeats, committing the information to memory.

"Tell me something else." she orders thoughtfully while chewing on a piece of toffee.

"Like what?" he quizzes and he can't help but smile at her almost childish curiosity, a curiosity made no less adorable by the fact that it's focused on him.

"I don't know," she sighs, laying down the last of the snacks and moving closer to him, leaning to rest her head on his shoulder. He immediately shifts and places his arm around her cuddling her close, anything just to have her nearer. "Just tell me something I don't know about you" she settles into his arms. He thinks for a moment.

"Um...okay," he agrees and shifts though his memories trying to think of something. "My dad and I own a sailing boat, usually I take my leave there." he says. She says nothing but merely smiles back at him.

"Your turn." he adds in a soft voice.

They spend the entire two days like this, simply talking, eating and sleeping together. Learning all they can about the other, enjoying their time as an utterly ordinary couple. There are times when he wants to ask her about what happens when they go back to the _Normandy_ but they made a deal and he isn't a Lieutenant here so he lets those moment pass and resolves to let himself enjoy being with her.

As their time starts to come to its end she knows she has to raise the topic of what happens next but she doesn't want to because she's not entirely sure of what to say, what to do or even how to raise the subject. She's not even really thinking about it anyway, distracted as she is by the handsome man who is never too far from her side. So the night before they are due to leave she kisses him goodbye, still not knowing what happens in the morning. That night she barely sleeps and she finds she already misses his presence next to her. Without him the bed is too cold and too empty and she doesn't like it. When she finally does fall asleep she has another nightmare but he isn't there to wake her and catch her this time so she falls back on the pillows exhausted, and it's then that she begins to realise just how much she needs him already and, truth be told, that scares her a little bit.


	7. Chapter Six: The War Resumes

A/N Keria does some silly things sometimes; she tells me she's sorry about this.

Thanks yo-sirrah as always, particularly for telling me there's nothing wrong with this chapter even though I'm _still _not totally happy with it.

Bioware owns all, including Kaidan sadly.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Six - The War Resumes. <strong>

She's unsurprised to discover that she's not the first back to the Normandy and as she passes through the airlock and sees the utterly expected sight of Joker in the pilot's chair.

"How's the pre-flight prep going, Joker?" she queries, entering the cockpit.

"Won't be long Commander, now that you're both-" but the words die on the pilot's lips as he turns his head and sees her standing there alone. "Now that you're here." he corrects himself.

"Good, carry on." she orders in a clipped tone before turning and heading to her quarters to stow her duffle. She wonders if she should have commented on Joker's slip, should have asked him who he expected her to arrive with merely to tell him that it was highly inappropriate when he said Kaidan's name. _'But honestly, what did you expect?' _She tells herself, _'you did kiss the man right in front of him.' _She knows now that something has to be done, some plan must be made. They can't carry on as an ordinary couple anymore, can't pretend, can't jeopardise the chain of command or her authority. She realises shore leave will have to be a temporary cease fire; it's time to resume the war.

She knows she really should send him away. The marine in her is keen to tell her that but she can't quite bear to do it. It may be a little selfish and she knows she's only trying to justify it to herself but he's one of the best squad members she's ever had. Honestly, she finds herself more able to focus on what's in front of her when she knows he has her back, and if she can't send him away then she can't carry on being with him in case it affects the mission. She know that neither of them would let it become an issue but she ignores that particular thought because if she were to be honest with herself - really, truly honest - then she'd tell herself that she's more than a little afraid.

She's afraid by the intensity of what she feels for him. Afraid of how easily he'd gotten under her skin. Afraid of how unguarded she is around him. Something about him made her feel uninhibited, free to let her heart rule for once. But Joker's slip had brought her crashing back to earth and the Alliance regulations are once again ringing in her head. She could tell him that it was nothing more than a shore-leave romance but she knows he wouldn't believe her. She could tell him the truth but she can't quite admit she's afraid so she'll tell him that it's for the good of the mission and if she's lucky he'll believe her.

"Joker," she barks activating her comm. "When Alenko comes aboard tell him he's to report to my office."

"Aye aye ma'am." he replies.

Ten minutes later he stands in her office at parade rest, the military posture is back and she finds she misses the relaxed Kaidan he'd been when they were on leave. The awkwardness of the command structure is also back, the rules and regulations already separating them, but she welcomes it. It makes what she has to say that much easier.

"I wanted to talk." she states simply, facing him, mimicking his stance.

"Personally or professionally?" he queries and his tone is somewhere between the two.

"A little of both." she admits. He says nothing and merely looks at her, waiting for her to speak. Looking at him she feels an overwhelming urge to fling herself into his arms, to go back to being an ordinary couple, but she's made her decision and so she draws her 'Commander' persona around her and hides behind her rank, rebuilding the barriers that he had so easily broken. She picks a spot somewhere behind his right shoulder and speaks to that, unable to look into his eyes.

"I want to be clear, Lieutenant," she begins in her most authoritative Commander voice, "these last two days have been...wonderful, but we're back on duty now and so the regulations need to be upheld.' She states, deliberately addressing him as a subordinate even though he still isn't one and never can be again. They both know that. Courageously she risks a glance at him. He's frowning a little but his posture hasn't changed. He looks like he's deep in thought.

"I see," he replies, slowly meeting her eyes and she lets out a breath of relief, she didn't think it would be that easy. But then he shakes his head and adds, "I disagree." and she feels herself tense up again.

He doesn't give her a chance to respond but walks towards her taking her hands in his own. She tries to pull away but when he looks at her with that intense stare she finds she can't.

Her initial words had stung and he couldn't deny that it had hurt to hear the rejection that he had so feared. But as he looks at her he realises that everything but her words tell a different story. He doesn't know why she's doing this when he can tell that she still cares but he isn't going to let her give in to whatever reasons she has. For him there isn't a reason good enough.

"We have something here Shepard," he says, "something amazing; you know it as well as I do, just like you know that neither of us will let it get in the way of the mission. I don't know why you're pulling away or what you think has changed but I'm not going to let you go that easily." He states fiercely tightening his grip on her hands. His forcefulness surprises her, he's usually so calm, so reserved, so cautious when it comes to her. But their time together must have changed him as it has changed her because now he's anything but unsure. If she had been capable of coherent thought she would have perhaps stopped to wonder at how their roles have suddenly reversed; now he's the one who's pushing and she's the one unsure.

"This isn't your choice Lieutenant." she tells him clinging onto the Commander cloak, using his rank to try and reinforce the distance between them, but the closeness of his body belays that distance.

"It isn't yours either." he replies softly, searching her eyes trying to see what her true feelings are.

"As your Commander, _it is_."

"As Keira it isn't." he replies. For awhile he simply stares at her, and she already feels her resolve crumble but still steadfastly clings onto her persona and withstands his scrutiny.

Eventually he says, "We lead a dangerous life Keira, and I know that I could lose you anytime. I don't want to waste what little time we might have. So...I'll follow your orders as always but I don't intend to give up on us without a fight." and without a further word he turns and moves to exit her quarters

"I haven't dismissed you yet Lieutenant." she calls sharply, stopping him in his tracks. He doesn't turn to face her and her next remark is addressed to his back.

"I'm sorry," she states firmly, "but this is how it has to be."

"I can't accept that Shepard. I won't."

The resolute tone of his voice leaves her incapable of action as all she can do is to breathe out the word, "_Dismissed_." and as soon as she does he leaves. She stares after him, her heart pounding. To her his presence seems to linger in her cabin, his scent fills the air. By unlucky chance her gaze roams the room and lands on the bed and with her head already filled with thoughts of him, it now turns to thoughts of that night. The only night they'd spend together in that bed. Ilos. Her treacherous mind remembers the feel of his skin against hers, the way his hands seemed to be everywhere at once, the way his arms encircled her waist and held her barely a breath away, the feel of him inside...

"uh...Commander we're all set. Just waiting for you to fire up the galaxy map." comes a voice over the comm. Sometimes she could kiss Joker.

"On my way Joker." she replies and silently cheers him for jolting her from her thoughts. _'Resume the war,' _she thinks as she sweeps towards the CIC. _'resist him...' _

* * *

><p>The next morning when she leaves her quarters she finds him waiting for her, coffee in one hand, breakfast bar in the other. "Good morning Keira." he says handing them over, deliberately using her first name. She swallows.<p>

"Good morning." she somehow manages to speak with only the hint of a tremor in her voice. He nods and without saying anything further returns to his workstation. She stands stunned for a moment before heading to the mess table where she sips her coffee, made exactly the way she likes it. She unwraps the breakfast bar and bites into it. It's her favourite flavour. It's a show of how well he already knows her and a subtle reminder of the mornings they'd shared coffee together after the battle of the Citadel, and she knows he's going to do it every morning. Each time he does, her resolve will crumble that little bit more.

* * *

><p>Days later he leans against the console, casually folding his arms across his chest and she doesn't miss the way this action serves to subtly reveal the outline of his muscular arms under his shirt. <em>'Damn him!' <em>She thinks vehemently, but even as she thinks it her heart starts to pound. Her head starts to reel and her body begins to ache for his. She has to fight for control and, _'Damn him!' _he knows it. He knows exactly what is going through her mind. His deep dark soulful eyes openly regard her with lust, he's doing it deliberately!

"Is there something you want Commander?" he questions in a slightly husky voice.

'_You' _she thinks, she can't help it but as this thought races through her head she takes a small breath. It's just enough for her to regain control. She is, after all, the infamous Commander Shepard.

"Yeah, can you scan the remaining six planets in this system for Geth? Travers is running a fever."

"Certainly Commander." he replies.

"Thanks." and with that she turns about and marches smartly out of the room. Her back is turned so she doesn't see the smirk that appears on his face after she leaves. He knew he was getting to her and he was nothing if not determined to get her back. He knew he had a fighting chance at succeeding too, if only because he happened to catch the way her eyes had given his body one final sweep before turning away.

He corners her in the mess later that day, taking the seat next to her before she can protest. All he does is ask her how she is and she finds herself automatically telling him everything already so used to using him as a shoulder. The fact that she had pushed him away and yet he's still there for her to lean on warms her heart and she feels her resolve crumble once again.

* * *

><p>Two days later, a few hours after eradicating a platoon of Geth on some swamp-ridden planet she's already forgotten the name of she hears him say "Oh, hey Commander." behind her, so she turns around and gasps.<p>

He stands before her wearing nothing but what she can't help notice is a very small towel around his waist. Clearly he was on his way back to the locker room after a shower. But she isn't thinking about that. She's thinking about the way water droplets cling to his muscular chest and slowly thread their way down the arms, which, if she could bring herself to say the word, would be around her waist in moments holding her close. She's thinking about the way his hair is dripping and is still mussed from the shower. She finds it's suddenly very difficult to breathe. Desire, love and a multitude of other emotions swell in her chest. She wants to grab him and kiss him, she wants to _punch him_, she wants to tell him she loves him. But she does none of these.

"Alenko." she replies curtly, and tearing her eyes away she punches the elevator button, rather more forcefully than necessary. She feels, rather than hears, Kaidan's disappointed sigh and finds she suddenly has to fight back tears as she hears him move away from her. Once again she's losing the war.


	8. Chapter Seven: The War Ends

A/N No-one can resist Kaidan for long – fact.

Thanks for the adds guys glad you're liking it! And cheers Sirrah for fixing stuff etc.

Bioware owns all the good shiz.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seven - The War Ends. <strong>

"Commander, can we talk?" he questions, standing barely a few steps inside her door. She knows his duty shift has just finished, as did hers, and she wonders what new form of torture he has planned for her here in her quarters with the whole night ahead of them.

"Of course," she replies, though inwardly she's dreading what he might say. "What's on your mind Lieutenant?"

"You are." he states frankly, and instantly her mouth goes dry, her heartbeat increasing. He shifts his weight, his gaze fixed firmly on the floor, after a moment he seems to decide upon something and he straightens, settling his stance into parade rest.

"Alright Shepard," he continues wearily, "I concede. If it's what you want then we can go back to the way we were before Ilos. It isn't what I want; let me be clear about that, but...I can't push you anymore." he states, turning to leave.

"Kaidan, wait." the words leave her mouth before she can think about them. Apparently her heart is speaking for her at the moment and it won't allow her to let him leave.

"I...care about you ok?" she says "A lot. Too much maybe and I can't risk us being drummed out of the service. The Alliance means too much to both of us for that so it's better if we just drop it, ok?" she gabbles, forcing the words out of her mouth. Her admission is all it takes for his resolve to crumble. He hadn't wanted to give in, had wanted to push her until she finally cracked but she was his Commanding officer and he'd been worried that he was taking it too far. But now, hearing the confession fall from her lips he knows he won't be able to give her up. He takes a step closer to her, his expression growing serious.

"I can't," he half whispers, his voice suddenly sounding like he's struggling to breathe. She finds there's suddenly a distinct lack of air in the room, "how can I drop it now, Shepard?" he takes another few steps into the room until he's standing right in front of her, barely a breath away. "I care about you so damn much Keira. I..."

"Don't Kaidan..." she breathes, tears suddenly beginning to well up behind her eyes. She's not sure how much longer she can fight him, "please, don't say it..." he comes even closer now so that they're staring directly into each other's eyes. He gazes at her until she's convinced she's going to drown in those brown orbs.

"But I do Shepard. I...I love you. I have since the day I met you. I think I always will." By this point his voice is barely a whisper but it still sends shivers down her spine. He doesn't wait for her to reply but in a flash his arms encircle her waist, pulling her roughly against his chest. He presses his lips to hers, kissing her with all the desire and love that had been welling inside the both of them for the past few weeks. She resists but for only a second before she's kissing him back in full force. She throws her arms around his neck burying her hands in his hair pulling him deeper into her kiss. Her actions are instinct, automatic, and she's suddenly desperate for more. He moans against her mouth as she devours him, the sound releasing something in both of them and they feel the last shadows of doubt melt away.

His hands move lower and she trembles beneath his touch. He lifts her up allowing her to wrap her legs around his waist, pulling him even closer. Still kissing furiously he shoves her onto her nearby desk spilling the contents everywhere. Her back slams against the wall of the cabin and her mouth jerks away from his but she seizes his shirt and pulls him roughly back to her lips. Their biotic auras ingniting simultaneously, duelling just as fiercely as their tongues as control and restraint vanish. They part again briefly for him to tear off his shirt before his mouth returns to hers and her hands caress his muscled chest, tracing the outline of defined muscles and hard flesh, her touch eliciting more moans from his mouth. This is different from Ilos. This isn't a tender expression of something barely begun. This is a ferocious assertion of it. It's as if they're drawing life from each other. Their fierce kisses reassure them that they're still breathing, still alive, still fighting. He lifts her from the desk and throws her on the bed, joining her, both of them shedding the remainder of their clothing in an instant.

She gasps as he enters her, arching her back into his chest and the action brings her eyes directly into line with his. They stop, time stops, the galaxy stops. He gazes into those beautiful green eyes searching, needing to know.

"I love you Kaidan." she whispers. He smiles. It's all he needs to hear.

"I love you too" he replies, kissing her and lowering himself into her again, delighting in her gasp of pleasure.

* * *

><p>Their laughter dies down and he resumes staring into her eyes.<p>

"Your turn." he says. They hadn't moved from the bed yet and the smell of their lovemaking still clung to the air and to the sheet that covered their naked forms from the waist down. Keira lies on her side propping her head on her elbow, her other arm tracing random patterns across his chest as they talk. He lays on his back one arm behind his head, the other by his side. Her gaze falls across his chest as she thinks.

"Ok," she replies after awhile, "I can play the guitar." she says triumphantly, a smile plastered on her face, momentarily ceasing the movement of her arm.

"You already told me that," he chides his eyes gleaming, a slow smile spreading across his face. She laughs; to him it is one of the most delightful sounds in the world. They lay in her bed, once again playing the game they had invented during shore leave, the one they had eventually named 'tell me something I don't know about you'.

"Oh," she giggles, "'did I?"

"Yup."

"Oh um...okay." she raises her arm and returns to the slow careful exploration of his chest. Every slight movement of her hand sends shivers down his spine, desire begins to wind up inside him again but he can't bring himself to move just yet and so he lies back and endures her caresses. Although the way she bites the right side of her bottom lip as she thinks is so adorable that he finds it difficult to resist her. He chuckles, reaches up and momentarily ceases the movement of her hand by covering it with his own and pressing it gently against his naked skin.

"Come on Keira. I doubt I know everything about you." he encourages softly.

"Maybe I'm not that interesting?" she questions, a gentle smirk covering her face. He raises an eyebrow.

"Hmm...intriguing thought. Commander Shepard, saviour of the Citadel, hero of the galaxy... is not that interesting." And she laughs again.

"Was that sarcasm Lieutenant?" she teases.

"No ma'am." he replies assuming a mock serious expression.

"I don't tolerate sarcasm aboard my ship Lieutenant," she scolds, her eyes twinkling, "and if you were being sarcastic I may have to take actions in order to erase that sarcastic tone of yours."

"What exactly did you have in mind Commander?"

"Oh...I think you know." He did and so he takes hold of the hand which he's still clasping to his chest and moving his other arm to capture her waist he gently he shifts their positions, lying her on her back and settling above her, capturing her mouth as he does so.

They emerge hours later, both feeling amazingly refreshed after very little sleep and when the crew shuffle in for breakfast all they hear is Shepard saying.

"Talk to you later Alenko."

"Ma'am." he replies and with that she sweeps towards the CIC, the slight smile on her lips is the only thing that betrays what has passed between them.

After that Kaidan spends several nights in her quarters, always making sure that everyone sees him enter his pod before creeping out to join her. He's also careful to wake earlier so that he's at his station by the time the crew enter the mess. He's getting less sleep, they both are, but they couldn't care less. Some things are worth it. Little by little he strips away her fear and she finds that being with him while on duty is easier than she expected and when she finally lets him in completely she finds herself wondering what on earth she'd been afraid of. She's less afraid of her nightmares as well now that she knows he's there to catch her and he finds his migraines are becoming less frequent, all because behind the closed door of her cabin they can be an ordinary couple once again.

Neither of them let it affect the mission and they are sure to leave the majority of the crew with nothing but speculation and rumour to work with. Joker and Garrus are the only two crewmembers who know for sure, the only two they choose to tell. As part of the ground team Shepard had felt that it was her duty to inform Garrus since he would be on missions with the two of them, and besides, he'd become a good friend to them both and she was confident that he could be trusted. The ever observant Joker had really needed no telling but Keira had wanted to impress upon him the importance of keeping it a secret and Kaidan had agreed. To the rest of the crew nothing appeared to have changed aside from the fact that both of them simply seemed happier.


	9. Chapter Eight: Birthday Surprises

A/N hey guys, thanks for the adds/reviews again you're all aces, so have a super-cute-ish chapter enjoy!

Thanks yo-sirrah as always for the fixing and encouraging and stuffs.

Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eight - Birthday Surprises. <strong>

Keira reaches a hand out and slams it on top of the clock silencing the annoying beep that had roused her from a pleasant, if rather odd, dream involving a mermaid, a spatula and a mostly naked Kaidan. Groggily she rolls over searching for the warmth of his embrace. When she finds nothing but empty space she sighs. She hates the way that he sometimes has to leave before she wakes up. Still, it's better than the nights when he can't come at all.

Cocooning the sheet around her she smiles into the pillow, remembering how he'd stayed awake until midnight last night just so that he could gently wake her and whisper 'Happy Birthday' to her. When she'd asked him why he'd bothered he'd simply said that he'd wanted to be the first to say that to her today. _'He really is a sweetheart.' _she thinks. She supposes that's part of the attraction really. He spoils her like a proper woman, treats her like a lady whenever he can. He's different and she likes that.

After awhile she blinks her eyes open and drags herself into a sitting position. The first thing she notices is the time, later than usual. He must have set the alarm back a little way to the time she used to get up, letting her have a small lie-in on her birthday, _'sweetheart,' _she thinks. The second thing she notices is the piping hot cup of coffee on the desk and the breakfast bar that's beside it. Apparently she's to have breakfast in bed this morning, _'sweetheart!' _she thinks again_. _She has a strange feeling that today isn't going to be a standard on-duty birthday. She had been sure to buy a cake for the crew to share but she has a suspicion that today will be about more than just cake in the mess hall.

Once she's had her breakfast, showered and dressed, she goes to take the cake out of the cupboard she'd been keeping it in since their last supply stop two days ago. When she opens the cupboard she finds it suspiciously cake-less and there's only one other person who is ever in her quarters long enough to have been able to steal it. _'What's his game?' _she wonders. Quickly she closes the cupboard, scoops up her empty coffee mug and heads out into the mess hall. She deliberately sweeps past his workstation heading to re-fill her coffee mug from the pot at the back of the mess. Once she's filled it she casually saunters towards him, stopping briefly to greet two members of the night crew on their way back to their pods, both of whom stop to wish her a happy birthday.

"Good Morning Lieutenant." she greets, leaning against the console. Her tone is playful, since they're alone in the mess for the moment, but she's careful not to stand too close to him in case someone should suddenly decide they would like breakfast right about now.

"Good Morning Commander, happy birthday." he replies smiling his warm open-hearted smile that's just for her. She can't help but return this in the same manner, both of them remembering how he'd been whispering those words to her in an altogether more intimate situation a few hours ago.

"Thank you," She says, and she pauses briefly before resuming her playful tone, "I'm afraid I have a problem Lieutenant."

"Oh?" He replies assuming the most insincere expression of innocence she's ever seen.

"Indeed," she continues, "It seems someone has been stealing from my quarters," she pauses and flicks her gaze to his but he's suddenly become very interested in his work, she's sure he's grinning inwardly though, 'You wouldn't happen to know anything about a missing birthday cake would you?' she presses. He raises his head, keeping his face poker-straight he replies;

"Who, me? No Commander. I'm afraid I don't." She narrows her eyes at him. She's not sure what he's up to but she's going to enjoy finding out.

"Uh-huh..." she replies not believing a word, "Well _somebody_ seems to have stolen it and you should know that I intend to hunt down the culprit myself," and the wicked sense of humour that's dancing in her eyes lets him know she's being anything but serious. She leans closer, "and when I do," she adds, dropping her voice, "He will be _severely_ punished." she tries to keep her expression deadly serious but she can't quite stop the tugging at the corner of her mouth. He openly grins at her.

"Oh I'm sure you'll see to that Commander." His voice is completely neutral but the heat that appears in his eyes as they quickly scan her form reminds her of all the highly inappropriate possibilities that surround the idea of punishing Kaidan. She suppresses a shudder. Meeting his lust-filled stare with her own she simply states;

"Yes. I'm sure I will." For a moment they merely stare at each other, their gaze holding the promise of pleasure yet to come and she wonders once again what exactly Kaidan has planned for her today.

As they watch each other closely they hear the unmistakable sound of the lift approaching and simultaneously they drop their professional masks into place.

"What are you up to Alenko?" she questions quietly as the tramp of boots approach the mess hall. He grins wickedly at her.

"You'll see Commander." he replies as he sees three crewmembers enter the hall behind her. She smiles at him and he knows she's inwardly seizing him up trying to guess his game, she'll never figure it out though. After a few seconds she gives up.

"Carry on Alenko." she orders in her Commander voice.

"Yes Ma'am." he replies, mimicking her professional tone, but he can't resist throwing her one more lopsided smile before returning his attention to his workstation. She glances at him once more before turning and heading towards the CIC ready for another day of fruitlessly searching for Geth activity. In the privacy of the stairwell she grins because she knows that she's going to spend all day wondering exactly what he has planned and that he'd done it that way purposefully so that today wouldn't be another day of frustrated boredom. _'Ah, Sweetheart...' _

At o-nine-thirty she convinces herself that in true traditional romantic style he's going to set up a little birthday dinner for the two of them. By ten hundred hours she realises that there's no way that they could have such a meal on ship without arousing suspicion. She also doubts that he'd let the first time they have dinner together be anything less than utterly romantic, and that means eating something other than military rations.

At twelve hundred hours she's convinced he's put together a whole hoopla complete with banners and balloons and maybe even a piñata. By thirteen hundred hours she realises he wouldn't have the time to set something like that up.

Fourteen hundred hours sees her wondering whether it's some sort of amazing present, like maybe that new assault rifle she'd had her eye on? At fourteen-ten she realises there's no way he could bring a weapon on board without her knowing. Jewellery then? Maybe that holo vid she'd wanted to see? One of her favourite books?

At sixteen hundred hours she starts to wonder if it's a present _and _something else because of course he's got her a present. At seventeen hundred hours she remembers the stolen cake and wonders what sort of surprise would involve that. At eighteen hundred hours she finally gives up and resolves to wait patiently.

The day itself is rather routine aside from the birthday related thoughts whirling through her head. As usual, there are no signs of Geth activity, but they scan every nearby chunk of rock anyway. She mostly busies herself with the millions of little mundane tasks that go into running a military ship. She also strips her weapons once a day, just to be sure, as well as catching up on all the paperwork she'd deemed too unimportant to bother with while chasing down Saren. Dull as it was, it was something to do. She even found time to do some research on the Geth and the Protheans.

To keep the crew busy she gives them various challenges, like how quickly could the engine boys strip a part, clean it and put back together again? Which one of the scientists could perform a routine scan the quickest? Could anyone beat her at target practice? It was simple but effective. With so little to do she needed to find ways of keeping her crew focused and prevent them from becoming bored, agitated and restless. It was an age-old captain's problem dating right back to the pirate ships of the 1700's.

Of course Shepard and Kaidan had their own particular way of releasing their frustration, but it wasn't exactly a pastime they could share with the crew and so she set these little challenges and Kaidan supported her by gently encouraging everyone to join in. Today every crew member wishes her a happy birthday, some are even brave enough to make jokes and ask where the cake and ice cream is. She smiles at those, wondering where the cake is herself. To the crew she simply tells them that they could have cake when they'd earned it and sets a new challenge to distract them.

She spends several awkward moments trying to explain the concept of a birthday to Garrus and Wrex who can't quite grasp the idea of celebrating the fact that she is, as Wrex so delicately put it, 'A step closer to old age and uselessness'. She checks in with Chakwas who promises her a birthday drink next time they have a spare moment before heading to see Liara, wanting her to explain some things she'd found confusing in the Prothean research she'd been doing yesterday.

As always she has a chat with Tali when she's with the engineers and ends her rounds in the cockpit with Joker. Today her squad seem to be in a particularly talkative mood, and at first she doesn't mind but as the day wears on she becomes increasingly agitated, desperate for the day to end so she can find out what Kaidan has in store for her. As always she waits until the end of the day to talk with him. Something she'd always done, even before Ilos. Her conversations with him had always been scintillating, and gradually talking to him had become one of the high points of her day and it always helped to have something to look forward to. Today however, when her squad finally finish talking to her and she's free to head towards his station, she doesn't intend to stay and chat, and leaning against the wall smiling at him, she simply says;

"Going to tell me what you're up to now?" He doesn't look up from his work but she sees the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Nope!" he replies simply and she raises her eyebrows at him.

"Fair enough." and with that she spins round and heads into her quarters to make a start on the day's paperwork. The way she figures it, the sooner it's done the sooner she can find out what her surprise is.

When she emerges from her quarters hours later than usual and rubbing her tired eyes, the lights flicker and blink out. _'What now?' _She thinks, irritated that she's going to have to wait even longer to find out what Kaidan's birthday surprise is. But a moment later a soft glow appears around the mess table and she hears a chorus of people shouting, "Surprise!" As she approaches the mess she sees that the table and the surrounding area have been decorated with fairy lights, and a banner that says 'Happy Birthday Shepard!' hangs above the table. On the table itself there are two small packages tied up with ribbon, a bottle of champagne on ice and the birthday cake that had famously gone missing that morning. Wrex, Tali, Liara, Joker, Garrus, Chakwas and Kaidan of course, were stood around the table; it had been they who had shouted 'surprise'. Grinning, Keira approaches them all.

"What's all this?" she asks, smiling at each of them in turn.

"Duh, it's a surprise party," Joker pipes up from his position sat at the table, "Don't tell me the great Commander Shepard doesn't know what a surprise party looks like."

"Besides," Chakwas adds, lifting the champagne bottle out of the ice bucket and pouring the contents into the glasses lined up on the table, "we never properly celebrated catching Saren and your birthday is as good an excuse as any for a drink."

"I couldn't agree more Doc." Garrus supplies, pouring himself his own drink from another bottle.

"To Commander Shepard," Kaidan begins stepping forward to pick up his champagne glass from the table and raising it in her direction. The other human members of the crew follow suit and when everyone has a drink he continues, "Long may she have the wind at her back and the sun upon her face." he says in a velvet tone that causes her to shiver as his eyes rest on her for just that little bit longer than is usual.

"Well said." Chakwas says raising her glass and taking a sip.

"Hear, hear." Joker adds copying her actions. As everyone is momentarily distracted by their drinks Keira takes the opportunity to steal a glance at Kaidan. He inclines his head towards her raising his own glass letting only his eyes speak of his love for her. She smiles gratefully back at him, grateful for the beautiful toast that had sent a rush of love for him coursing through her body, but also grateful for the whole party because she knows that he must have essentially put the whole thing together. It's a glance that lasts barely a second but it speaks volumes.

"Open your presents Shepard!" Tali squeaks, excited to be attending her first human style birthday party.

"Okay okay." Keira replies, enjoying Tali's enthusiasm. She sits down at the table and pulls the smaller of the two parcels towards her.

"That's just a little something from me and Jeff." Chakwas supplies as Keira begins to enthusiastically tear off the paper, trying to remember the last time she had actually had a birthday present to open. Inside the parcel is a rather large bottle of Serrice ice brandy. Grinning, Keira pulls it out and sets in on the table.

"Thanks Doc," she says smiling up at the older woman, "you too Joker." she adds turning to face him.

"Hey don't thank me," Joker laughs, "I just got it so you'd drink it and we could all see what happens when you get drunk!" he adds to general amusement.

"Open the other one!" Tali squeaks, practically jumping up and down in excitement. Keira pulls the other slightly larger package towards her.

"Who's this from?" she asks.

"All of us." Liara supplies. Keira raises her eyebrows her excitement building as she rips off the paper. Inside there's a beautifully made display box and inside the display box is a miniature model of the _Normandy_. Keira grins, touched by what her crew have done for her.

"Wrex and I found the materials." Garrus piped up after she'd been staring at the model for a while.

"And I made the box." Liara adds;

"And Kaidan and I put it together." Tali finishes, still sounding ridiculously gleeful. Keira can't quite believe what she's hearing.

"This...this is handmade?" she asks stunned. Carefully she reaches into the box pulling out the model and gently running her fingers over it. It isn't perfect and there are a few panels that don't quite fit but the scale is exact and every little piece is there and she can tell it's been put together with the sort of deliberate care that only Kaidan is capable of.

"Yes, Shepard," Liara replies "made by our own hands." Keira is suddenly almost overcome with emotion, amazed that the first birthday presents she's received since she was sixteen could be so perfect. Raising her tear-filled eyes she looks at each of them in turn.

"Thank you," she says scanning their faces and finally resting on Kaidan, "sincerely." she adds trying to convey, specifically to him, how much what's he's done means to her.

"Come on Shep," Joker orders loudly placing her champagne glass directly in front of her and grinning wickedly, "drink up!" Obediently Keira scoops up the glass and drains it in one go. Joker cheers.

"Atta girl!" He pronounces as Kaidan leans over to refill her glass using the opportunity to slide into the seat next to her. Under the table, surreptitiously and so only Joker can see, he squeezes her hand quickly.

"Who wants cake?" he questions carefully not looking at her as she lets out a chuckle. Chakwas produces some matches, lights the five or six candles on the cake and slides it over as Joker conducts them all through what has to be the most bizarre rendition of 'happy birthday' she's ever heard. Keira resists the urge to laugh because honestly there can't be anything much funnier than listening to a Turian, Asari, Krogan, and Quarian attempt to stumble their way through the 'happy birthday' song together.

"Make a wish, Shepard." Kaidan whispers quietly to her just as she's about to blow out the candles and she grins at him, screws her eyes tight shut for a moment and puffs the candles out and Kaidan wonders what she wished for as he cheers with everyone else.

For several hours they sit around the mess table sipping champagne and simply chatting, the easy camaraderie they'd built between them allowing them to completely relax. As they chatter about past birthdays Keira realises why they've all been so talkative today - they had wanted to delay her so that the mess hall would be empty for this squad-only party and she smiles again, loving the fact that he's put so much care and preparation into this day.

"And with that, I'm going to bed." Chakwas announces as Joker finishes a far too graphic story about the time when he was seven and ate half the birthday cake before downing a bottle of fizzy soda.

"Night, Doc." Keira says.

"Happy birthday, Shepard." Chakwas replies heading towards the med bay. Tali soon follows her and before long only Kaidan, Shepard, Garrus and Joker are left and as Garrus finishes filling them in on the finer points of what passes for a Turian birthday, Joker yawns.

"Well," he says gingerly stretching his limbs, "You're not nearly drunk enough Shepard but I'm willing to let it slide."

"Thank you, Joker." Keira replies sarcastically. Joker grins

"I'm off to bed," he announces motioning to Garrus to help him up, "I'll let Alenko fulfil the duty of birthday sex." he adds winking at them as Garrus helps him out of his seat and the two of them edge towards the lift.

"_Night Joker_..." Keira and Kaidan chime in unison, nodding to Garrus as well. Neither of them move until the last groans of the lift have died away and they can be sure they're utterly alone.

"So," Kaidan begins twisting to face her and gently taking her hands in his own "are you enjoying your birthday?"

"_Enjoying_?" she queries, a smile spreading across her face, "you mean it isn't over yet?" He grins.

"Wait here." he orders and he rises from his seat and heads towards the lockers. She sips her champagne as she watches him open his locker and pull something out, happy to enjoy the view. When he comes back he's carrying a medium sized box wrapped in purple paper and tied with a purple ribbon. He places it in front of her.

"Happy Birthday Keira." he says softly, returning to his seat. She looks at the box and doesn't fail to notice the colour choice of the wrapping paper. She blinks at him, confused.

"But you already got me something." she states, flabbergasted at the appearance of yet another present.

"That was from me _and_ the team," he replies, "this is just from me..." She looks up at him warmth and affection brimming in her eyes. He grins.

"Open it." he prompts gently. Carefully Keira unties the ribbon and peels away the wrapping paper. Inside the box is a medium-sized, beautifully carved, miniature guitar, exactly like the one she'd lost on Mindoir. A wave of emotion hits her and she feels her eyes start to prick with tears. She can't speak, can't breathe, can't believe he's done this for her. With one hand she lifts it out of the box strumming the strings with her other hand, the instrument feeling so strange and yet so familiar, a part of another life.

"I couldn't get you a real one," he's saying, "but someday I will. This will have to do until then." She looks up at him. His steady, warm gaze, his open-hearted smile and all the love and affection for her that his expression conveys.

"Kaidan I..." she begins, but she finds there are no words. Nothing she can say that will convey just how much this means to her. Her shoulders slump a little when she finds that, "thanks." is all she can say.

"Now," he says after a moment, "As Joker so eloquently mentioned there is one more birthday duty that I have to perform." He grins at her and stands offering her his hand. She takes it, still clutching the guitar in her other hand. Slowly he steps backwards gently leading her towards her quarters, his eyes filled with dark, seductive promises.


	10. Chapter Nine: Showers, Pilots, Debreifs

A/N So... thanks for reading you guys, hope you're enjoying and thanks yo-Sirrah for beta-ing as always and in case you didn't already know Bioware owns all the good stuff.

And also... I'm sorry.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Nine – Showers, Pilots and Personal Debriefings <strong>

Keira smiles as the hot water caresses her skin, she still can't quite believe everything Kaidan had done for her yesterday. The guitar he had given her was perched on her desk in pride of place and as she begins massaging shampoo into her hair she can't help but start to hum happily.

"Now that's a sight I could yet used to." Kaidan drawls leaning causally in the doorway to her bathroom. She turns her head to look at him, enjoying the sight of him shirtless and relaxed in her quarters. She feels a familiar twinge in her lower regions as he looks at her. His arms folded across his naked chest, head tilted, dark brown eyes slowly appraising her body. She shivers pleasantly.

"Glad you enjoy the view." she says turning away from him to face the shower spray again, smiling to herself.

"Oh I do Shepard." he purrs, pushing himself off the wall and coming to stand behind her, brushing his hand across her derriere before wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her naked form flush against him, letting her feel exactly how much he had been enjoying the view and not caring in the least that he was getting soaked. Keira throws her head back against him enjoying the feel of his naked chest pressed against her back. Her action exposes her neck to him and he wastes no time in brushing his lips across the sensitive skin he knows is there.

"Oh god, Kaidan..." she breathes as he slowly trawls his lips over every accessible part of her neck. Spinning her in his arms he takes a firm hold on her hips, this time enjoying the view from the front. Keira watches him as he looks at her, the lust filled look in his eyes sending pleasant shivers rippling through her body. Kaidan's eyes darken as he watches the last little bit of shampoo snake its way down her chest, over her perfect breasts, down to her taut abdomen and...lower.

"Mmm." he mumbles.

"What's on your mind Lieutenant?" she asks him coyly and he raises his eyes to hers, grinning wickedly. He makes no reply but instead tightens his grip on her, jerking her hips against his.

"Oh." she says before sliding her hands up his muscular chest, wrapping them around his neck pulling his mouth towards hers.

"Message from Anderson for you Commander." Joker's voice barks over the comm. and Kaidan groans against her lips.

"You_ really_ need to speak to him about his timing issues." He complains and Keira chuckles.

"I'll take it in a minute, Joker." she replies as she steps away from Kaidan and reaches for a towel. Looking back to him Keira can't help but smile at the pouty expression that appears on his face as she wraps herself in the towel.

"Don't worry Lieutenant. I'll make sure we have time to continue this debriefing later." she says stroking his cheek and smiling as his pouty expression is replaced with his delightful half smile.

"You promise?" he rasps, drawing her now towel-covered body back into his arms.

"Of course." she replies reaching up to kiss him quickly on the cheek. "Now," she continues, stepping out of his arms and walking over to where his shirt lay discarded on the floor. She picks it up and tosses it to him, "get that on and get to your workstation Lieutenant, you don't want to be late." She orders.

"Aye, aye ma'am." he replies winking at her before pulling the shirt quickly over his head and leaving her quarters, still at his station long before the first of the crew stumble in. As per regulations Shepard herself was dressed and ready five minutes later. Walking over to her terminal and activating it, the face of the newly appointed human councillor appears on the screen.

"Anderson." she greets, "What can I do for you?"

* * *

><p>"What's up with you man? Something keeping you awake at night?" Joker questions as Kaidan yawns for the tenth time that day. Kaidan shrugs but says nothing.<p>

"You know," Joker presses, enjoying himself immensely, "I think I saw the Commander yawning earlier. Guess she's not getting much sleep either...I wonder what could _possibly_ be keeping_ her _up all night?"

"I wouldn't know Joker," Kaidan replies wearily, "You'd have to ask her."

"Aw, come on man, you're such a buzz kill...come onnnn, dish the dirt!"

"I have no idea what you're jabbering on about Joker." Kaidan replies, keen to avoid giving Joker any details.

"You suck."

"Right back atcha buddy," Kaidan replies standing up from his co-pilot seat and gently clapping Joker on the shoulder, "She's listing a little to the port side, I'm going to check the flight stabilizer drives."

"Yeah, right, you're just hoping Shepard's hanging around back there so that you can cop a feel."

"You're an ass Joker," Kaidan calls over his shoulder as he leaves.

However, as it turns out Shepard, purely by chance of course, _is_ hanging around near the flight stabilizer drives.

"Alenko." she greets nodding in his direction. She's careful to keep her voice neutral, professional, but her face still lights up when she sees him.

"Commander." he replies, coming as close to her as he dares while they're surrounded by other crewmembers.

"Something the matter Lieutenant?" she questions.

"The...uh..._Normandy_, listing a little, I just came down to check her flight stabilizers."Shepard nods.

"Very good. Carry on Alenko," she orders. She raises her head glancing at their surroundings and, seeing that they are suddenly largely alone, she takes a half step closer and adds, "Don't work _too_ hard Lieutenant," dropping her voice to a low sexy growl that threatens to drive Kaidan insane, "Your duty shift ends in fifteen minutes and then we have that personal de-brief to finish..." Kaidan grins.

"Don't worry Commander," he replies, dropping his voice to match hers, "I intend to finish what I started." She grins.

"Good," She immediately returns to a profession demeanour. "I'll see you in fifteen minutes." and she flashes him her glorious smile that utterly transforms her face and he feels his heart melt a little in response as she sweeps past him heading towards the mess hall.

Fifteen minutes later, the first shot from the collector ship threatens to tear the _Normandy_ apart.

* * *

><p>AN What? I _said _I was sorry! :p I am though.


	11. Chapter Ten: Kaidan

A/N It killed me putting him though this, literally killed me dead... like Shep I got better and wrote some happy chapters near the end, but still it hurt.

Thanks yo-sirrah. Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Ten - Kaidan. <strong>

Kaidan stares at the sky, his eyes darting about searching frantically, and when the pod begins to descend he's already running towards it. He practically collapses onto its door tearing it open, some hitherto unrealised fear clutching at his heart. The pod opens and he sees Joker, alone, his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking.

"Where is she?" he asks quietly, terrified of hearing the answer. Joker looks up, his eyes widening like he's surprised to see Kaidan standing there. Joker wets his lips.

"Kaidan," He croaks like it's a struggle to speak, "I'm so sorry..." and the terrible truth falls from his lips and there's nothing Kaidan can do to stop it. He finds he wants to cover his ears, _anything_ not to hear what Joker is about to say. "There was an explosion and she...she..."

"No," Kaidan whispers and then, "No," he repeats in a louder voice, "she always had an escape plan, a backup, a way out. She's alive! She has to be!" he gabbles and he knows he's right because the idea that Commander Shepard could be taken out by a random unknown attack on her ship was absurd. A Reaper couldn't take her down; a few explosions shouldn't have even dented her armour. She had to be alive.

"She...she got spaced, Kaidan...nobody survives that," Joker whispers quietly, his concern for his friend momentarily overtaking his grief and knowing that however bad he feels, Kaidan's feeling a thousand times worse, "I'm so sorry," he continues, "she's dea..."

"Shut up Joker," Kaidan growls in a dark, menacing voice that causes Joker to fall silent immediately. Kaidan breathes deeply and when he speaks again his voice is quieter, but no calmer. He sounds almost lost, "I need to believe she's alive right now Joker," he says, "I need to believe she's coming back to us, because if I don't..." and Joker nods, understanding completely. Kaidan leans into the pod and carefully helps Joker out, throwing the younger man's arm around his shoulders. Together they shuffle back towards the rest of the crew. Kaidan's eyes turn towards the sky again still searching for her. _'She coming,' _he tells himself _'she is.' _and by the time they get back to the others, he believes it.

While they wait for the Alliance he gathers everyone together, checking those who are alive against the crew roster, compiling a list of those who are missing, putting together search parties. He sets up the distress beacon because he knows she's relying on him to take care of the crew while she makes her way back to him. When the Alliance ship arrives he makes sure everyone is safely aboard and he hears himself tell the captain that Shepard didn't make it, but he doesn't believe it. He is careful to leave some supplies by the distress beacon for her when she makes it there. When the ship arrives at the Citadel he's immediately called into Anderson's office for a de-brief with him and Admiral Hackett. Again he hears the words;

"She didn't make it sir." cross his lips but he still can't bring himself to believe it. Passively he absorbs the information that the crew has been given a month of shore leave to recover and that they're going to have a memorial for her in two days. He asks for his leave to be reduced to a week. He dutifully relays the information to the crew and ensures they all have everything they need, reassuring them that the pain will pass. When there's finally nothing left to do he heads towards his apartment.

It's not until the door closes behind him and he's finally alone that he actually allows himself to think of her as dead. Until now he's been half operating on autopilot and using his belief that she's coming back to see him through, both elements serving to create a kind of numbness in his heart that protected him from feeling. But here there is nothing else to do, nothing else to think about and he finds he can't lie to himself anymore. She's dead...officially dead. She won't be coming back to him with only a dislocated shoulder this time.

He finds he can't process how he feels about her death, like it's too much information to take. Too much pain bear. He sinks to the floor bracing his hands on his knees unsure of what to do with himself. He sits there, alone in the dark, trying to ascertain how he feels but he finds he feels nothing and, in a detached sort of way, this puzzles him. He's sure he's supposed to feel like his heart was ripped out or something equally dramatic but he feels nothing, absolutely nothing. Like he's not even really alive anymore. Like the part of him that had the capacity to feel overloaded and broke. He just feels numb - empty.

He doesn't know how long he sits there. Could be hours. Could be days. He isn't sure. It isn't until someone knocks at the door that he even moves.

When the door opens and Joker lays eyes on his friend he's shocked. He knew Kaidan wouldn't be taking it well but he never expected it to be this bad. The man clearly hasn't eaten at all in the last two days and for a biotic that's something. He's lost a lot of weight. He looks almost hollow, so different from the strong, quiet, calming presence he'd been aboard the _Normandy,_ providing the perfect counterpoint to Shepard's fiery temper and fierce passion. If he didn't know better, Joker wouldn't think he was even looking at the same man.

"What is it Joker?" Kaidan questions. His voice is hoarse, strained from disuse. Joker wets his lips suddenly nervous. He realises that this man is an unknown entity despite being the same Kaidan he knows so well.

"It's her memorial today, Kaidan," he replies, "I just wanted to..." Joker stops. He's not really sure why he's here, to make sure Kaidan's ok? To be with someone who shares his grief? To ask Kaidan to forgive him? He isn't sure, just knew that he had to come. Kaidan blinks _'Has it been two days already?' _he wonders.

"I'm not going," he says, verbalising one of the many thoughts that had been swimming around in his head, Joker moves to protest but Kaidan silences him, "I'm not being dramatic or irrational about this." His voice is calm and measured like it always is but Joker detects a slight change in him. There's a dead look behind his eyes and a flat tone behind his words. It's like his soul has been ripped out of him. "I can't sit there and listen to the military brass stand up and tell me what a hero she was and what a loss it is when they don't really mean it. I can't listen as Anderson talks about her wicked sense of humour and her unfailing efforts to do good because that's not who she really was. I can't stand there and salute her empty coffin as it passes by. Because it's not enough Joker, none of it. There is no fitting tribute to even adequately honour the person she was."

"So, what, she shouldn't have a memorial?" Joker challenges, shocked that Kaidan isn't going to be there to honour the woman he loved so much. Kaidan blinks at him and a muscle twitches in his jaw.

"Just go Joker," he orders quietly, "leave me be." and Kaidan moves back into the room not really caring what Joker does, wanting only to be alone, to stay numb. To never have to feel again.

"I know what she was to you Kaidan." Joker says quietly, still hovering in the doorway, trying anything he can to draw out something of the old Kaidan, "I know what you were to each other and I know she wouldn't want to see you like this." Kaidan merely stares at Joker and Joker has never seen his eyes so cold.

"She's dead Joker," he replies flatly, "so she's not here to see it is she?"

"What if she _was_ here?" Joker retorts choosing to ignore that first bit. "She'd be disappointed in you and you know it." He worries he's gone too far with that comment but he has to pull his friend out of this spiral, if only because he feels partially responsible for causing it, "I know what you're going though Kaidan," he adds calmly, "we all lost her that day."

"You have no fucking idea!" Kaidan spits and Joker realises that this is the first time he ever heard the marine curse. "I want to stand up there and deliver her eulogy. I want to tell the world that she was far more than just a fantastic Commander. That when she wakes up in the morning she's just as groggy as everyone else. That when she goes to sleep at night she likes to cocoon the sheet around her because it makes her feel safe. That her hair annoys her but she keeps it long because that's how her mother had it. I want to say that every moment I ever spent in her company was like magic, that I couldn't believe my luck when she told me she loved me back!" he turns to face Joker un-shed tears brimming in his eyes, "But I can't..." he chokes out before adding bitterly, "because how would her Lieutenant know these things about her?"

His words shock Joker because in all that time, the time they had together he'd never considered through his jokes and his teasing how difficult it had actually been for the two of them, keeping such an obvious connection as secret as possible.

"You have to go Kaidan," he states firmly, "she deserves to have the man she loved there to remember who she really was." Kaidan's shoulders slump at that and Joker knows he's won.

"Give me a minute." Kaidan replies, seeing sense and disappearing into the bathroom.

When the two men exit the lift Garrus is waiting for them. Kaidan nods to him and Garrus lays a hand on his shoulder, they don't exchange words, no words are needed right now. Together they enter the hall where the memorial is being held and see row upon row of chairs all pointing towards a small, bright-white stage. On the stage there's a pulpit and a table where her empty coffin is going to sit. The whole place is covered in Alliance blue; apparently the Alliance is keen to claim her as their hero.

The three of them sit together, Kaidan in the centre, and settling between the two men he thinks of as brothers he feels a little better knowing that they're hurting too. That he wasn't the only one in the world that knew her - just the one that knew her best. He knows that they probably won't see each other ever again after this day because the pain will be too great for each of them, but right now it helps for the three of them to be together, just the boys. _'Shepard's Boys...' _he thinks. She'd called them that once when they were all standing around on the bridge, keeping Joker company and sharing a cup of coffee. It had been a joke but they found they'd rather liked it and somewhere along the line they'd come to think of themselves as her boys. But not anymore.

He doesn't listen to any of the speeches because none of them will be good enough and instead he sorts through his memories of her, creating a sort of homage to her in his head. He remembers her sleepy half-smile the first morning they spent together on shore leave, when she woke up and saw him watching her. He remembers the way she habitually threw her head back to laugh, the movement tossing her hair, making those beautiful tresses fall down her back. He remembers how she had pulled him against her after he kissed her for the very first time, wanting more. He remembers how beautiful she had looked that night before Ilos. How _alive_ she seemed even on the brink of death. He fixes her like that in his memory forever and vows to keep her there always. In his head he apologises to her for the ridiculousness of this charade, _'not your fault Kaidan.' _she says.

In the end he does salute the coffin as it passes but it's only because he has to and he figures it's a meaningless gesture anyway because she's not actually in there. '_It should have been me,' _he realises.

A week later he knows that he has messages from Joker and Garrus and probably Chakwas too. He knows they're trying to help him and that they're probably the only ones who can at this point but he doesn't _want_ to be helped. He wants to push ahead, push it away, but he can't bring himself to even try to forget her and so he lives half in the past, half in the future, desperately trying to ignore the present. _'It should have been me.'_ When he opens his terminal he deletes all their messages without reading them, opening only the one from Admiral Hackett which contains details of his next posting. When he's read it he deletes that too, grabs his duffle, and leaves.

Months later he's half aware that they are desecrating her name and calling her insane. Dismissing all they had achieved together. Dismissing her. He knows that if she were alive she'd want him to defend her, to carry on her work and fight for their cause. But she's not alive to tell him this so he doesn't and he lets it go on. _'It should have been me.' _

A year and half later he's got to a point where he only thinks of her at night and the dull ache in his chest begins to ease a little. Today for the first time since the _Normandy_ went down he manages to laugh, but it still should have been him.

Two years later there are rumours that she's alive and he doesn't know whether to believe them or not. He's sure fate is playing some cruel joke on him, bringing her back into the public limelight just as he was beginning to go twenty-four hours without her crossing his mind. He's not sure what to do about any of it though so he does nothing. After all, how likely is it that the rumours are actually true?


	12. Chapter Eleven: Keira

A/N So Keria's turn now and then Horizon *shudders* don't worry we'll get through it somehow. Thanks for the reviews/adds you guys and thanks yo-sirrah as usual.

Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eleven - Keira. <strong>

When she wakes up she doesn't recognise where she is. Nothing about her is familiar but the voice tells her to grab her weapons and amour so she does, her gaze clocking the explosions that surround her. The place is so strange and unfamiliar that she wonders if this is a dream because she can't seem to figure out how she got here.

When Jacob tells her two years have gone by she's sure she's dreaming because how could so much time have passed? The idea is absurd, stupid. It must be a dream and soon she'll wake up and be in his arms and he'll make it all alright again. Until then it's time to fight on. Just in case though, she asks him if her crew made it, if _he_ made it, and she's relieved to hear he did.

When Miranda shoots Wilson in cold blood she's still expecting to wake up, still sure she's dreaming, so she climbs into the shuttle without really thinking about it. After all, it's only a dream.

It's not until a lucky shot from a mech on Freedoms Progress grazes her shoulder that she begins to really believe she's not dreaming. The pain is all too real, all too familiar. The realisation surprises her and nearly causes the next shot to be _really_ lucky but she ducks down just in time and forces herself to think of nothing but her gun, her team and the enemy. She remembers she's a Commander and she can't think about it right now. Any of it.

When she sees Tali, it's the first indication of what being dead for two years might mean for her friends. Tali's changed. She's in command now, grown up in only a few days, and Keira is still exactly the same. She can tell that Tali is unsure about how to react to her but is trying not to show it. She asks her about the Geth data, trying to reassure the Quarian that she's herself. It's difficult because she's not absolutely sure she is herself yet. She realises that this is what it will be like now when she sees her old companions, this mixture of joy and uncertainty for both her and for them. She relaxes a little when they agree to work together. Tali at least trusts her enough for that.

When Tali says she can't come with her, her heart sinks and she realises once again how much of a difference two years could make. Tali has her own concerns now, her own life far away from the one she left behind two years ago. Keira realises there may not be a way to recapture her own life, that everything is different now. She forces herself to remember the N7 mantra, _'Adapt, improvise, overcome.' _

Joker at least is exactly the same although perhaps a little bitter towards the Alliance now, but the twinkle in his eyes is the same and she's pleased to discover he hasn't lost his sense of humour. He, at least, seems to have no trouble believing she's really herself and that's a small comfort. Would Kaidan have the same conviction? Or would he be unsure? _'Will I even see him again?'_

When she sees the new _Normandy_ she can't help but feel an immediate affinity with the ship that was resurrected alongside her. But as she studies it from the outside she notices its size and its new sleekness. The same but not the same. Changed, altered, upgraded. She realises that these words can be applied to her now and she wonders once again if she's really the same person. When she goes aboard for the first time she's comforted by the sight of Joker in the pilot's chair because some things never change but as she turns and sees the new CIC it's too large, too sleek, too clinical, too much empty space. She doesn't appreciate having Miranda telling her what to do or the AI sent to spy on her. When she takes a quick tour of the ship she can't help but mentally clock all the differences. She notices that it's missing those little glitches where Turian design met human design but it didn't quite work, those areas where Turian design had to be forced to accommodate human life forms. The panel that Kaidan could never fix... This new _Normandy_ is missing its heart, its soul.

Eventually, she gets around to seeing her quarters. She feels dwarfed in the huge room, guilty that she has all this and her crew are sharing bunk beds. She wonders why on earth they thought having a fish tank in the cabin was necessary. This room had been designed specifically for her, with her in mind, and she doesn't like it. That makes her feel better; clearly they don't know _everything_ about her. She finds a set of Cerberus uniforms in the wardrobe along with some pyjamas and even some underwear. Everything she owns now comes from Cerberus. She sits in her desk chair surveying the room, hating every square inch of it. She needs something here that's hers, something to reassure her. She notices that there's a model of the SR1 in a display cabinet above her desk but it's not _her _model. It's not the heartfelt homemade version that _her _crew had given her for her birthday a week ago. It's a perfectly made shop-bought, machine-built model and she already hates it. She realises that the guitar he had given her is lost too, the guitar that she had had for only one day. She didn't even get a chance to play it.

What she really needs is her tea and chocolate but, for the first time in her 30 years of life she doesn't have them. She finds herself fighting back tears. There was only one other thing that had the same effect but he isn't here either. _'Where are you Kaidan? Do you still remember me? Remember us?' _She realises she wants to see him again desperately. Just see him, that's all. She realises she still needs him and that's when she puts the holo on her desk.

She looks at that holo each time she enters the loft and each time she thinks about trying to contact him. It wouldn't be difficult. Not if she tried. But she's not sure how he'll react to her or if he'd even want to see her. Whether he'd come rushing back to her or whether he'd stay away. Whether he has someone else or not. She knows she's being a coward but the longer she delays reaching out to him the longer she can pretend he still loves her. Besides, she feels the ever present eyes of Cerberus on her and she doesn't want them knowing how important he is to her. So, for once in her life, she takes the cowardly option and does nothing.

When she sees Garrus she can't help but wonder what caused the tormented look in his eyes and the sad tone in his voice. But seeing him again is almost too good to be true and when he agrees to come with her her heart leaps, glad at last to have someone she trusts at her side. She's thrilled to have some semblance of her old life back and can't help but think _'two out of my three boys...'_

Her heart stops when the rocket hits him and she prays to whatever god that is listening for him to survive. Relief floods through her system when he strides into the briefing room like nothing happened but she winces at the size of the scar on his face and she can't help thinking it's somehow her fault. Still, it's undoubtedly good to have him around, and finally, she's able to laugh again.


	13. Chapter Twelve: Horizon

A/N So hands up who hates Horizon? Because I do so I'm sorry if this is a tad on the rubbish side because I just wanted to get though it asap.

Thanks yo-sirrah, Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twelve - Horizon. <strong>

When they land groundside on Horizon Shepard is already half out the shuttle with guns at the ready before Garrus and Jack even realise they've stopped. She sprints down the path leading to the west of the shuttle, barely noticing that her teammates aren't with her. She has one goal, one aim and she's thinking of nothing else.

When she sees a large seeker swarm before her she asks Mordin how sure he is about the new armour upgrade, because she knows she _has_ to survive, can't afford to be paralysed. Mordin replies they should be safe.

"Should?" Garrus queries behind her but she's not worried about that right now. Right now 'should' is good enough for her. She presses on, her team following. Garrus is surprised; he's never seen her so fierce. Nothing in her way stands a chance as she pushes on relentlessly. When he stops to examine a husk she barely gives it a glance, her eyes already scanning the path ahead. That's not like her. She usually likes to know all she can before she charges into battle. She likes to know her surroundings; she takes time to come up with an extra couple of plans, but not today. Something is different this time.

As they push forwards she starts to get frantic, running up to each frozen body, getting just close enough to see whether it's him or not and turning away quickly once she knows that it isn't. _'Find him!' _It's her only goal, her only concern as she pushes forward obliterating anything foolish enough to get in her way.

When the collector ship rumbles off she feels like crying, screaming and chasing after it all at the same time. She hasn't found him groundside. He could be on that ship and she can't believe she failed. When Delan runs out yelling she doesn't have time for his stupidity.

"I didn't want it to end this way! I did what I could." she tells him firmly, willing Delan to shut up because not one of those colonists is half as important as he is to her. Her eyes are still gazing skywards as Delan mumbles something about recognising her name but she isn't listening. She stares upwards, as if she can bring him back by sheer force of will.

"Commander Shepard, Captain of the _Normandy_. The first human spectre...saviour of the Citadel." the voice pierces her heart, her eyes snapping to stare in the direction of that voice and she sees him. Kaidan. Her Kaidan, walking towards her. It's like something out of a dream. At first she can't quite believe he's real but he looks just the same as she remembers, he even walks the same way. Relief floods through her system at the sight of him. _'He's ok.' _she thinks.

"You're in the presence of a legend Delan...and a ghost." he continues, and the last part of that sentence reminds her of all that's changed between them. She swallows hard, her muscles tensing as she worries over how he'll react to her now. Her gaze doesn't move from his face and as Delan finishes ranting and stalks off, she barely spares him a thought. When he's gone Kaidan moves closer to her. She wants so badly to reach out to him, to touch him like she used to but she's unsure about what to do, what to say. How can she even begin to explain to him? His eyes search her face for a moment and she knows he's wondering if she's really herself, if she's even real. When he pulls her into his arms she can't help but smile into his shoulder as her arms hold him close, delighting in his nearness, relieved that he still seems to care.

"Kaidan." She breathes into his neck, wanting nothing more than to say his name and have him hear it.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did..." he murmurs into her hair. But he doesn't let her go just yet and she can't help but think about how long it's been since they were together like this.

"It's been too long Kaidan, how've you been?" she says. He pulls back when she speaks, a frown creasing his forehead and she knows she's said the wrong thing.

To him her words seem so casual, so flippant and they cause him to wonder if she had ever really cared. Anger starts to boil in the pit of his stomach, everything he had suffered, everything he had gone though all for nothing. The numbness, the sheer pain of losing her, the months of torture, the promises he had made to her ghost. All unnecessary. Pointless, and now, after her miraculous return, all she can manage is a casual greeting? Like they've been apart for two days, not two years.

"Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?" he spits, unable to keep the anger from his voice.

Inwardly she flinches at that, cursing herself for forgetting as she often did, that what's been a few weeks for her has been two years for him, two years without her. Two full years of hurt and suffering.

"I thought we had something Shepard. Something real, I...I loved you." he continues and his words are like taking bullets - no - worse than taking bullets and she can't even begin to make a response. The last syllable of that word resonates thought her entire being, _'Loved, he said Loved.' _her head is swimming and she reminds herself that he's hurt and confused. _'Think of how you'd feel,' _she tells herself trying to think logically, trying to understand, trying to find a way to make this right. But he's still speaking and the bullets keep coming.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me thought that?" _'I didn't Kaidan' _she thinks desperately _'I didn't!' _She wills her mouth to say something anything but she can't seem to talk and he's still speaking.

"Why didn't you try to contact me?" he questions, the words tumbling from his mouth, his anger evident in the way he moves, the way he speaks, and she knows that he must be really angry for him to be showing it this much. "Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" and with a supreme force of will she manages to get her mouth to work. She has to try to explain somehow.

"Not my choice," she replies willing him to believe her, "I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me." His frown deepens at her words and he backs away from her. The distance between them threatens to break her heart in two.

"You're with Cerberus now," he says quietly as if he can't quite believe it, as if he doesn't want to. His gaze flickers behind her, "Garrus too?" he adds. "I can't believe the reports were right..."

"Reports?" Garrus chimes in, "You mean you already knew?"

"Alliance Intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit." and suddenly he's all business and there's even more space between them he's getting further and further away from her and she can't seem to find a way of stopping it. "Anderson stonewalled me," he continues, "but there were rumours that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy." Another bullet flies from his mouth into her heart. _'He thinks I'm the enemy now?' _Her head is reeling from his accusations.

"Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them." She states and she hears a little anger creep into her voice in reaction to his. She didn't mean it though. More than anything she wants to explain herself, to get him to understand.

"Do you really believe that?" He retorts his anger rising once again, blinding him to all else, "Or is that just what Cerberus wants to you think?" he comes closer to her again but now it's different. All she can feel is his anger radiating off him and any indication that they were ever anything more than comrades is gone and her heart has never known a torment like it.

"I wanted to believe the rumours that you were alive but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the alliance. You betrayed me."

'_Never, Kaidan!' _She thinks desperately _'Never.' _As her heart threatens to shatter into a million pieces she manages to make one more attempt to get him to understand. Pleading with him, trying to make him remember the way they used to be.

"Kaidan...you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason," she hears herself reply, "you saw it yourself. The collectors are targeting human colonies. And they're working with the Reapers!" and now she's all business too but she doesn't want to be, she wants to tell him that she still loves him, to reach out for him, but she has no idea how they can ever go back to that.

"I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the collectors?" his voice becoming darker and angrier with each query. She finds she has no idea how to answer his questions, how to ease his anger, how to fix this.

"Damn it Kaidan!" comes Garrus' voice from behind her, "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!" _'Exactly Garrus' _she thinks, silently thanking him for giving her the words.

"You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts." she adds gently, hoping her voice might calm him, make him think, bring him back to her.

"Maybe," he spits back, "Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight. You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be," and suddenly it's like taking bullets again and she's not sure if she can even live through this, let alone fix it. "I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not." he adds as he turns to leave. He's walking away from her and she can't just leave it like this. She can't just let him walk away, she has to do something, say something, _anything_.

"I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan...it'll be just like old times." she calls and she's all but begging but she knows he won't come with her, but oh, how desperately she wants him to. _'Say yes, Kaidan' _she pleads _'Please, say yes.' _

"No it won't," he replies shattering her hopes. "I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye Shepard, and...be careful." With that he turns and leaves. He doesn't even look back at her. Her fists clench at her sides. She's suddenly so angry with him that she's unable to move for the moment, struck dumb with disbelief because Kaidan Alenko is not, _cannot_, be walking away from her. She's so angry, livid, that he has the nerve to walk away when she needs him. Some part of her knows this isn't fair, that she has no right to demand that he take care of her like he used to but she's not thinking about that right now. _'How dare he walk away!' _Her voice is thick with anger when she calls to Joker to send the shuttle and she's aware that she ought to be exercising her legendary self control and that she shouldn't let her crew see how badly he's got to her. But his words are still ringing in her head _'betrayed, manipulated, loved.' _And she finds that she _wants _to be angry. By the time she gets back to the ship she's noticeably shaking with barely restrained rage and she has to refrain from snarling at Joker.

"Get us out of here Joker." she chokes out, attempting and failing to keep her voice level. Joker frowns, his gaze flickering to Garrus who shakes his head almost imperceptibly.

"Where to Commander?" Joker questions, careful to keep his voice neutral.

"Anywhere that isn't here!" she snaps and he knows better than to push the issue. Shepard storms through the CIC. By this point she's almost enjoying the feeling of the steadily-rising anger boiling away in her gut. When Kelly calls her name the anger almost explodes.

"WHAT!" she snaps wheeling around to face the redhead. Kelly looks terrified and Shepard takes a short breath closing her eyes momentarily pushing the anger down, controlling it as best she can.

"What is it, Kelly?" she questions in a voice that is marginally calmer.

"The Illusive Man wishes to speak to you." she squeaks and Shepard has to fight down another surge of anger.

"Of course he does." she mutters under her breath spinning around and stalking towards the armoury. She glares at Jacob as she passes, who has the nerve to be the only human male in her squad, and a biotic _'He's in Kaidan's place.' _she thinks and the thought of Kaidan, which used to soothe her, sends another wave of anger though her body. Her talk with the Illusive Man doesn't help her temper any and by the time she's alone in her cabin she can't contain her shaking. As soon as the door closes behind her she wheels around slamming her fist into the metal. It hurts but she finds that that's good. She wants to hurt and hitting something releases the anger a little so she does it again and again. She doesn't notice when her knuckles start to bleed and continues to punch the door as if it were a punching bag in the gym. Until her strength finally fails her. But she's still angry.

She stalks over to her desk and sees his face staring out at her from the frame she put there to sooth her. Still angry she slams the holo face-down on the desk. She freezes, breathing rapidly, and she realises this is childish. She slumps into her desk chair forcing herself to take a slow, steady breath, finally letting the anger go as she exhales. Hesitantly she reaches her good hand out towards the holo and sets it back upright on her desk. This time she smiles sadly at him, her thumb unconsciously caressing the side of the frame. She's not ready to let him go just yet, not ready to forget what they once were. Not yet.


	14. Chapter Thirteen: About Horizon

A/N Cheers for the help on this one sirrah and thanks for all the adds you guys glad you're enjoying it!

Bioware's toys I'm just playing.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Thirteen - About Horizon. <strong>

When she comes back from Ilium with a comforting hand laid on Miranda's shoulder, Kelly tells her she has new messages. She merely nods and automatically opens her terminal. She has a few mission updates from TIM which she skims quickly, _'Like I care what you think of my decisions.' _she scoffs at him in her head. She also has a note from Bailey updating her on Koylat's status which she forwards to Thane immediately, and a note from Hackett thanking her for the Cerberus intel she'd sent him on the sly and then, there it is. Right at the bottom of her inbox.

_About Horizon. _

Her heart starts to thunder in her chest, pounding so loudly that she's sure everyone can hear and her breath hitches in her throat. It can only be from him. Before she can form a coherent thought she's already opened the message, her eyes hungrily consuming his words, reading so quickly that she barely takes on their meaning, _Sorry. Guilt. Maybe. _When she's read it once at the speed of light, she closes her eyes and takes a breath, _'Calm, Shepard,' _she tells herself _'calm.' _

"Commander are you alright?" comes a voice from miles away. Shepard looks up from her terminal seeing Kelly's concerned face. Facing a Cerberus agent, she automatically drops her Commander mask into place.

"I'm fine Kelly," she replies with a warmth that is barely sincere, "Just tired." Kelly looks at her for a moment, the annoying expression that she wears when she's attempting to psychoanalyse her plastered all over her face, but Keira wasn't letting her anywhere near her private thoughts.

"I should rest," she adds, closing the message quickly and pushing away from the terminal, "I'll be in the loft if anyone needs me."

"Very good Commander." Kelly replies in that clinical, stereotypical 'secretary' voice that sets Shepard's teeth on edge. Throwing a smile that's really more of a grimace in Kelly's direction Keira turns on her heel and heads to the elevator.

When she reaches the loft she automatically glances at the holo of him on her desk and her heart starts to pound once again. She closes her eyes forcing her breathing to slow, trying to calm her beating heart, wanting to be able to read his letter properly, calmly. To think about it logically and give it the consideration that it deserves. She walks down the small flight of steps to her living quarters and slumping on the sofa she beings the monotonous and utterly familiar process of stripping away her armour. With a practiced quickness and a delicate care she removes each armoured plate, wipes it clean, and places it in its proper place within the cupboard. The familiarity of the task soothes her and soon she's completely calm and ready to read his letter carefully, without expectation, and to actually understand it this time. Taking a deep breath she settles herself comfortably in her desk chair and clicks open the message.

_Shepard,_

I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?

She understood. It had taken her a long time to deal with surviving Mindoir, particularly when her father and brother who were far stronger and braver than she was, hadn't. She knew that he would have hated himself for obeying the last order she had given him and that he'd probably run through a dozen different scenarios in his head where he'd stayed with her and they had all miraculously survived. She knew he would have tortured himself over that, over and over. He would have laid the blame for her death entirely at his own feet when it wasn't even his fault. She knew that it took time for scars like that to fade.

She wasn't going to lose sleep over this doctor either, he had said _'nothing serious' _andshe believed him. He was just trying to show her how long it had taken for him to make that first, tentative step. She was glad he had though. Glad that he wouldn't have spent his entire life miserable if she hadn't returned...but all the same a part of her is glad that he said it wasn't serious because it means that she still has a chance. Of all the obstacles that stand between them this is by far the least.

Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me...maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.

Did she remember? Of course she remembered! She can't quite believe that he would even need to ask that of her. She's not sure whether his doubts about her really run that deep or whether he just needs the reassurance. Ilos was special, sacred even. They had slept together many times but there was something about that night, about being on the edge of death, about being together when it was forbidden, the tentative first exploration of each other's bodies that had made that night sparkle with a magic that they had barely understood. You didn't forget something like that. That he would question it, even slightly, hurt. Two years ago he had _known _that she felt the same; she had told him as much. Did he really think she was so different now? The chance to rebuild what they had seems to be slipping further and further away.

But as she reads it again she finds some straws to clutch at. It had meant everything to him. They had meant something and that meant that there was still a chance. Didn't it? But then again he'd also said he didn't know who either of them was anymore. Had they changed so much? Had she changed? She decides to send him a reply right away, just to tell him that Ilos had meant, _still meant_, everything to her. Just so he knows she still feels the same. Just in case it might bring him back to her, ease his doubts, at least on that front.

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy...I couldn't bear it if I lost you again_.

Her stomach lurches at that. The intensity of the guilt she feels making her feel decidedly nauseous. All she can think about is their survival odds for this mission, the slim chance she has of making it back to him. _'Kaidan, I'm so sorry!' _She thinks desperately. She knows she can't send that reply now. She can't tell him that she loves him and then go and risk her life like that and yet she still wants to send it. But losing her twice would kill him and she can't put him through that. Rebuilding what they once had is impossible. If it wasn't before, it is now.

Yet at the same time it makes her more determined. Until now she wouldn't have considered it a loss if she had died again. After all, she had already died once. Any time she has had after that is borrowed, extra, not even hers to enjoy. But now her mind entertains the thought of survival...she wonders if she _is _strong enough to survive, if she _can _make it back. She decides she will be careful, as least as far as she can be, and vows to do everything she can to return. To make it back to him. She will make it back for the simple reason that he has told her to. She will make it back so that he won't have to feel any more pain. She will survive for him and for him alone...whether he's with her or not.

_If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

Her heart sinks again. He still doesn't trust her, not completely. He doubts her, doubts that she's herself and that makes it harder for her to believe it too. She'll have to prove it to both of them by stopping the Collectors once and for all. Yet he still believes in her enough to think that she can stop these attacks. He's still warning her, still watching her back. Just like he always did, and that cheers her a little. 

When things settle down a little...maybe...I don't know. Just take care.

Maybe. Well, it's better than nothing. It's less than what she was hoping for but more than what she expected. His maybe is a ray of hope, enough to make the fake smiles she'd been wearing since Horizon that little step closer to being real. It's a way in. She smiles, finding amusement in the fact that he's gone from leaving a way out to leaving a way in. Someday they might be able to take that way in, eventually. Maybe.

_-Kaidan_

When she's finished she reads it again carefully, guilt still swirling in her gut and tears forming behind her eyes, but hope fluttering in her heart. His message is a far cry from the declaration of undying love that she had secretly hoped for, but it's only been a few days since Horizon and she'd be surprised if he'd finished thinking everything through yet. The message is so typical of him. Cautious - not too far one way or too far the other and that makes her smile. Whatever he's said about them changing there's still enough of the old Kaidan left for her to be able to hear his voice in her head as she reads, for her to be able to recognise his thoughts. She can see he's still confused, still trying to figure it all out and she can't fault him for that. Now that she thinks about it, it must have been a hell of a punch in the gut to see her just show up all of a sudden. She should have contacted him before.

Yet, he'd said _I'm sorry. _He wanted to apologise. He'd wanted to extend the olive branch. He hadn't abandoned her yet.

She slumps back in her desk chair leaving the message open on her terminal. Not reading it, just staring at it, this one small piece of him that she now has for her own. She wonders if she should send a reply or let him finish thinking it through, tell him everything or wait.

Wearily she rubs her hand across her face. Sighing, she leans forward and after a moment of hesitation closes the message. She won't send a reply yet, she needs to think. She needs to let his words settle in her head then...perhaps. In the meantime, focus on the positives, on the mission. Maybe, he'd said maybe. He hadn't given up on them yet and that was the important thing. She nods to herself, approving of her own decision. Heaving herself out of the chair she heads towards her bathroom. Her mind reset into that of the Commander's alone, already compiling a list of things to do. _'Shower, check in with the ground team, check on Joker, eat, head to Tuchanka and help Grunt.' _


	15. Chapter Fourteen: The Omega Four Relay

A/N So update – hooray! We're edging back to happy times again, which is always good right? Thanks for the reviews and adds you guys, Darth-Acheron47 you made my day, you really did.

yo-sirrah, I don't know what you did to this chapter but now I read it back its much better than I remember, I'm pretty sure that's due to you so thanks.

All Bioware's toys.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fourteen - The Omega Four Relay. <strong>

As usual she looks at the holo when she enters the room after setting a course for the Omega-4 Relay and for the hundredth time she wonders if she should send him a reply. She wonders if she should tell him what she's about to do, if she should reach out and try to explain, try to make things right, but she won't. She can't. If she doesn't make it back again she knows he'll never forgive her and that it'll be all the worse for him and she can't bear to hurt him, not again. She hangs her head, _'I miss you so much...' _she tells his silent frame, hoping that somewhere, somehow, he knows. She turns away pulling the strength of the Commander around her, preparing herself for what's to come and burying everything else.

Later, she returns to her terminal and decides to send a message after all. He has to know.

* * *

><p>In the early hours of the morning, at about a quarter-past-one, a very tired councillor Anderson hears his terminal beep with a message and he wonders who it could be this late. He opens it, and he stares.<p>

* * *

><p>"The Omega-4 Relay?" Kaidan repeats, feeling light-headed. He can't quite believe it at first but the more he thinks about it the more he finds it makes sense. It's exactly the sort of crazy stunt that only she would try and pull off, that only she had a <em>chance<em> of pulling off. He knows now why she hasn't replied to his message; she couldn't bring herself to reach out to him right before going off on another suicide mission. She's still protecting him even though she's light years away and he finds he's suddenly overcome with a desire to see her again, to talk to her, to make it right. She hasn't been far from his thoughts since Horizon and when he'd finally gotten his head together he realised that he should have listened to her, he should have tried to understand. From what Anderson had just shown him he's beginning to realise that she might have been right all along.

"She says she's taken precautions to ensure that there's at least a chance they can make it through safely," Anderson is saying, "and presumably that means-"

"That she has a chance to make it back," Kaidan finishes, his racing thoughts already far ahead of Anderson. "We need to be there sir," he repeats firmly. _'I need to be there,' _he thinks, '_If she makes it back through I need to know. I need to see her.' _and he knows he won't get another chance to set things straight, "Even if she makes it back she might not be in good shape," he adds paling at the thought, all sorts of nasty scenarios running thought his mind. "We need to be there." he states again.

"I agree, Commander," the councillor replies and Kaidan sends a silent thanks to Anderson and the goddess and whatever deity is looking out for him, giving him this chance. "Unfortunately, we still can't send an Alliance ship into the Terminus."

"Then send me." he says recovering quickly, determined to be there somehow, to find some way of seeing her again.

"Send a decorated Alliance Commander and a former member of the original _Normandy_ crew to aid a Cerberus vessel?" Anderson queries, raising his eyebrow, "Sorry Alenko. I don't think the Alliance brass will buy it." and Kaidan feels his heartbeat quicken in fear, _'I have to be there! I have to!' _

"Sir..." he begins, but he has no idea how he's going to finish the sentence, no excuse that he can think of. Anderson cuts him off.

"Ask for two weeks of shore leave, Commander." Anderson says quietly. Kaidan blinks and wonders, not for the first time, how much Anderson knew, or guessed, about the nature of his relationship with Shepard.

"Sir, I'd like to request two weeks of shore leave." he repeats dutifully and Anderson smiles.

"Well it isn't the best time Commander but I appreciate that you have things you need to do. Your shore leave is granted." and Kaidan breathes a small sigh of relief.

"Thank you sir." he says.

"For what?" replies the older man and Kaidan understands, this discussion was strictly off the record. "You're dismissed, Commander." Kaidan salutes and quickly marches out of the councillor's office, wondering how soon he can be on Omega.

* * *

><p>"Joker, lose this channel." She orders, and with that Commander Keira Shepard took her leave of The Illusive Man, smiling as she did so. <em>'Yeah...fuck you Timmy-boy,' <em>she thinks as she strides confidently out of the briefing room. Right now she isn't worried about what comes next, about how she's going to get her resources now or about how many of her crew will remain with her. Right now she's too sky-high on adrenaline from completing the mission successfully, with zero casualties, to care about the specifics. All that matters is that she's finally free of Cerberus and the remaining colonies are safe, at least for now.

She takes a half-step towards the armoury but stops. Something is wrong. Badly wrong. She's sure the corridor shouldn't be tilting like that. She wonders why her legs are being so uncooperative. Her limbs twitch involuntarily and every muscle screams and her body is suddenly too heavy for her to handle. She feels a sharp pain pierce her side and automatically puts her hand there, clutching at the pain. When she moves her hand away it's stained red, covered in blood, _'Mine or theirs?' _She thinks desperately, her head swimming. She can't see straight anymore, _'Mine or theirs? Mine...shit.' _And with that last thought she hit the deck.

* * *

><p>Kaidan sees the <em>Normandy<em> dock from his position in the bar. He'd been spending his days sat in one of the smaller bars on Omega, carefully positioning himself so that he had a clear view of all the docking ports, watching for the _Normandy_. For three days he'd been on Omega, barely sleeping, barely eating, driving himself insane with worry for her, just hoping to see her ship dock without a scratch on it. When it finally does land his heart leaps...and then begins thudding in his chest when he sees the level of damage it's sustained. He finds he's shaking. He realises that even though he's had three days to think about it he has absolutely no plan for this moment. Willing his legs to walk he makes his way down to the docking area.

He's hovering behind some crates when the sound of the _Normandy's_ airlock opening causes his head to turn. A dark-skinned man and a woman covered in tattoos and not much else exit. They turn away from him and head towards the bow of the _Normandy_ and he notices the man is carrying some kind of toolkit. He realises they must be part of Shepard's crew. He also realises he has no idea who they are. For the first time the true depth of what his refusal to join her on Horizon had meant hit him. It meant she went off and saved the galaxy without him, with people she neither knew nor necessarily trusted. It meant that she'd had to walk into hell without him to watch her back; that he'd left her alone. It wasn't a pleasant thought. Now more than ever he's determined to make things right between them. He becomes desperate to see her again and yet he has no idea how to approach the two total strangers in front of him. _'God, I hope she's ok,' _he thinks.

The airlock opens again and by a sheer stroke of luck Garrus strides out.

"Garrus!" he calls without thinking and the Turian spins to face him, drawing his rifle in one smooth movement. Kaidan steps out from behind the crates, hands held up in surrender.

"It's me." he clarifies, facing his old comrade.

"Kaidan?" Garrus queries, but he doesn't lower his rifle. Kaidan feels his heart twist again, once they'd been comrades, friends, brothers, and now...

"What are you doing here?" Garrus questions as Kaidan comes closer, slowly lowering the rifle when he sees that it really is him and Kaidan breathes a sigh of relief. Maybe there's still a little of their old camaraderie left. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the man and woman approach them, slowly moving behind Garrus into squad formation. He turns his gaze back to Garrus.

"She sent a message to Anderson, he told me you were hitting the Omega-4 Relay." Garrus nods;

"We did." is all he says and Kaidan finds he can't read Garrus' expression anymore, can't tell if he's angry or sad or if there's any chance that Garrus will let him onto the ship.

"Look," he begins, deciding to take the chance, "I just want to see if she's okay, alright? I just want to talk to her, to see if there's a chance..." he desperately searches the turian's face for a sign, any sign, that might tell him if she's alright.

"She wasn't happy after Horizon Kaidan. None of us were."

"I know!" he runs a frustrated hand through his hair, "I know." he repeats quietly. Garrus watches his friend for a moment.

"She's been through hell Kaidan, and she's hardly spoken about it to anyone." Kaidan blinks in surprise, regretting more than ever that he hadn't been there for her to lean on.

"She might talk to me." he says, hoping he's telling the truth.

"Maybe," Garrus agrees, coming to a decision, "For her I'm willing to let you try," he comes closer, fixing Kaidan with the harshest glare he can muster, "but if you hurt her in _any _way I will tear you apart with my bare hands."

Kaidan withstands the glare, squaring his shoulders and matching Garrus' stance. Fixing Garrus with his own stare he replies, "If I hurt her again...I'll let you." Garrus nods and smiles, or at least Kaidan thinks he does.

"Glad you came to your senses. It's good to see you." he claps a hand on his shoulder

"It's good to see you too." Kaidan replies, returning the gesture, and together they head towards the _Normandy_ leaving two slightly stunned crewmembers in their wake.


	16. Chapter Fifteen: Reunion

A/N So... let's get these two back together shall we?

Thanks for the adds guys hope you enjoy this, and thanks also to my wonderful beta yo-sirrah for finding all the mistakes.

Bioware owns all, I just like to play.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Fifteen – Reunion. <strong>

She was running. She didn't know where or why. It was dark - _so dark -_ she was only dimly aware of the need to keep running, to keep going. There's a light ahead and she flings herself towards it running, always running. She has to go faster, she has to. Behind her she hears a scream and she knows its Ashley and that Ashley is dying and she should go back but she can't because she has to keep running. Kaidan's there running with her...and then he isn't, and that hurts her. She cries out in pain, blood running down her body but still she has to keep running. Her family reach out ahead of her and she wants to reach them but she can't, not yet. Where did Kaidan go? Then she sees him, he's in one of the collectors' pods. He's melting! She should have been faster, she could have saved him. He's going to die. His mouth moves and she knows he's calling to her. He wants her to save him, she wants to save him too but there's a chasm between them and it's filled with blood and death, Protheans and Collectors. And Reapers! She stops before she falls into the chasm and sees on the other side the acid covering Kaidan. His olive skin begins to melt away leaving muscle and sinew and then that begins to fall away too, but his face is still the same and he's staring straight at her. He's angry because she didn't save him. He's going to die because she wasn't good enough. She wants to save him but he's going to die...

"NO!" the scream tears itself from her throat like a primeval war cry, her limbs twitch and flail, every muscle in her strong body fighting against them. Chakwas, Tali and Miranda try to hold her down but she fights them in her sleep every step of the way.

"What's happening to her?" Tali questions, hoping Chakwas or Miranda might have some insight into the Commander's state or some notion of what to do.

"She's having a biotic night terror." says a calm, masculine, and tired-sounding voice from the doorway. Moving swiftly Kaidan gently pushes Miranda aside and sits on the bed, ducking under Keira's flailing limbs. He bends down placing his mouth level to her ear and whispers to her softly. "Keira, come back."

She hears him in her nightmare and struggles to reach his voice, reach for the comfort of him. She stills. Her eyes open and she bolts awake, snapping up into a sitting position. He catches her like he always does, wrapping his strong arms around her and holding her against him. She buries her face in his neck, her body covered in a cold sweat and shaking uncontrollably. Kaidan gently strokes her back until she stops shaking and she feels strong enough to take a deep breath to steady herself. This is the way it always is. Somehow he always knew when she was having a night terror and whether he was already in her quarters or not he always came to rescue her, to catch her in his strong arms and soothe her until she felt better. In fact, one good thing about night terrors was that he could never leave her after them; they'd spend the night together now. But something's not right this time, something is different...something nagging at her in the back of her head. She stiffens in his arms. She remembers now, this isn't the SR1. She's not chasing Geth anymore, and her and Kaidan...

Kaidan feels her stiffen in his arms and her stiffness serves to bring him back to the present as well. Her waking and him holding her had felt so right, so natural, that he too had momentarily forgotten the last two years. Those years intruded on the moment now, unwanted but undeniably there, cleaving them apart. He lets her go and in the same movement she scoots back on the bed sitting against the pillows. Her eyes glance back to his however and he holds her gaze, concerned for nothing else, aware of nothing else. Her throat feels dry but she knows she has to speak, has to reach out to him. She licks her lips.

"Kaidan," she says finally and she finds she's missed saying his name, "What are you..?"

"I had to see if you were okay." he replies. His voice is devoid of emotion but he knows she can read his concern in his eyes. She nods.

"I'm fine Kaidan." she states calmly, managing to meet his eyes. Her words are a lie and an obvious one at that, and she knows he'll see right through it but she doesn't want to hurt him again and so she's leaving him a way out.

He stares at her, levelling her gaze with his own. She sits back on the bed pulling her legs to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She holds her head high, her eyes still meeting his. It's almost a challenge. She will not show him how much she needs him, she will leave him his way out. He leans towards her a little placing his head at the same height as hers.

"No you're not." he says in that soft, quiet voice that had always calmed her. She blinks at him in surprise, remembering how he had always been there for her to lean on, how he always seemed to know what she was thinking. She turns away, unable to face him, the truth of his words piecing her heart as the Commander mask falls without a fight.

Kaidan watches her for a moment, finding that he's still easily able to read her expression. Slowly he reaches out a hand and gently cups her cheek, turning her head back to face him. He is not surprised to feel a slight dampness on her cheek and as he turns her head a single, silent tear falls from her eye. He gazes at her, seeing in her tear-filled eyes the burden she has shouldered all this time and how much it has cost her to do it alone, and there, buried behind everything else, all the pain and suffering she's had to endure. He sees that she still needs him to save her from her nightmares.

She can read his eyes just as easily and she sees how much he's hurting, for her loss, for Horizon. She sees how he wishes he had been there for her, how he regrets not being here until now, that he still loves her. For awhile they simply gaze at each other, remembering everything that has passed between them, still a little surprised to find themselves together once again.

"Shepard...are you crying?" comes Tali's concerned voice from the door of the med bay. Neither of them break eye contact and Kaidan delicately wipes that single tear from her face with his thumb.

"I am going," Kaidan states quietly in that same soothing quiet tone he'd used a moment ago, "to get you some of that tea you love so much, and when I come back you are going to talk to me and we are going to sort this out." His concern for her overrides all other issues, she needs him to help her and right now that's all that matters.

A ghost of happiness crosses her face and she nods. Not that refusal was a possibility since, despite being Commander Shepard, she could never argue with him when he used that voice. Kaidan stands and brushing his hand quickly across the rest of her cheek he turns and marches quickly out of the med bay, her eyes following him.

"Shepard," Tali calls rushing towards her friend, "are you all right?" Shepard turns her eyes towards Tali. She nods, it's all she can do right now because she's not all right, far from it, but only Kaidan can save her. She releases her legs, swinging them sideways and letting them dangle over the edge of the bed, bracing her hands on either side of her, gazing at the floor. In a quiet voice that's barely louder than a whisper she says;

"Tell the crew to get some rest," She takes a breath and summons the last scrap of inner reserve she has left, just enough to don the Commander mask for a moment or two, "Tell them I'll be recovered soon and that I'm proud of them."

"Er...no problem Shepard." Tali replies, still a little shaken by the sight of Shepard crying but relieved to see she's back to her old self.

"I'll take care of everything," Miranda states briskly, "I'll notify you if there are any issues."

"Good. Carry on Lawson, and well done today." Keira adds, now fully hidden behind the mask, but as the door closes behind them Keira lets her head fall again, returning her gaze to the floor letting another lonely tear roll down her cheek, relieved to drop the act. All the hurt and confusion that she's felt, that's been pushed aside since her resurrection, bubbles to the surface now, all because he'd told her she wasn't okay.

He comes back a moment later carrying a tray containing a kettle, several extra teabags, a small pot of sugar, milk cubes and a couple of protein bars. He places the tray on the table beside her bed, picking up one of the protein bars he holds it out to her.

"Eat." he orders gently and it doesn't occur to her to disobey. She takes the bar and nibbles on the edge of it, swallowing almost immediately she takes another small bite and another until its gone. Her eyes are fixed on her toes, her other hand gripping the edge of the gurney.

He busies himself with the tray, making a cup of tea for each of them. Two sugars and a cube of milk just the way she likes it. Out of the corner of his eyes he watches her face, her eyes especially. He knows she's going to try and push him away again because she doesn't want to have to tell him she needs him, doesn't want to risk hurting him again, but he isn't going to let her.

"Here." he says holding out her tea. She sits back on the bed against the pillows, cross-legged, and accepts the tea in both hands, her fingers curling around the cup and inhaling the steam in a way that is uniquely her. He sees the tension bleed out of her back and shoulders as she breathes in the scent. She looks at him over the rim of the cup as he settles himself on the end of the bed, mimicking her position. She offers him a small smile.

"There's nothing like a cup of tea." she mumbles.

"I agree." he replies settling his own cup between his hands. They sip their tea in companionable silence, gathering their thoughts and strength for the coming conversation, content to just be for the moment.

"Talk to me Keira." he says after awhile and they lock eyes once again. Looking at him now she knows she'll tell him everything and that she won't be able to stop, but she also knows that he wants to hear her story, wants to help her if he can. All thoughts of pushing him away leave her mind, it didn't work last time and it won't work this time. When it comes to Kaidan Alenko she simply can't help herself.

"What do you want to know?" she asks.

"Everything."

She speaks slowly, measurably weighing each sentence before she offers it to him. He considers every word and as she speaks he finds he can't doubt her anymore, because being close to her once again he knows she's the same woman and he can see the truth of her words in her eyes.

She explains that she really was dead for those two years, that she awoke under fire and that she didn't even know where she was or how much time had passed and how shocked she felt when she was told. She tells him that she hates Cerberus and fought them every step of the way and that the Alliance refused to help her. That hurts him greatly. How could the organisation that they had both believed in so much, that had believed in her until she died, betray her like that? But he doesn't interrupt her as she carries on.

She tells him about the mission, about her team, about the Collectors and how she got through the Omega-4 Relay and what they found on the other side. Tears hover behind her eyes the whole time as she relives each moment, but she won't let them fall, not yet. She goes on; for the longest time she couldn't look in the mirror, too afraid to see something in her face that would make her doubt she was herself. She confesses that everything she did in the beginning she did to prove to herself that she_ was _herself. She tells him she was glad that Joker and Chakwas were there, people she could ask the question 'am I me?' to, and that they helped her. The fact that he wasn't there to do the same burns like acid in his gut. He was the one person that knew her best, the one who could have helped her the most...but he wasn't there.

She tells him that she hated being watched on her own ship; a ship that was home and yet wasn't home, that she hated not knowing who to trust. She tells him how she couldn't show any weakness, any humanity, because she was watched constantly by The Illusive Man through EDI and that she was glad when she finally found a way to get rid of him. She tells him that she was relieved to find out that she was just as charismatic as ever because if she hadn't managed to turn her crew against Cerberus she wouldn't be alive today. Then she says that she missed him and that she has his picture on her desk and that picture kept her sane a number of times. She tells him that she wanted to contact him, that she tried, but she was being watched and she didn't want the Illusive Man getting to him. She pauses to finish her tea, and emptying the cup she settles it in her lap.

"And I was afraid." she adds in a whisper, looking away from him for the first time since she began.

"Afraid?" he searches her face, but she doesn't look back to him, "of what?" he adds gently, silently begging her to finish her story.

"Of hearing that you had moved on...and that you hadn't." she raises her gaze back to his but he frowns, confused.

"I still love you Kaidan," she says, "and I wanted so much to hope that there would be a chance for us...but at the same time I couldn't bear the thought of you being alone and unhappy all that time. Because if you were then it would be my fault." The words tumble from her mouth. Her voice is no longer measured and calm as she spills her innermost thoughts to him. She finds it's still amazingly easy to tell him the truth.

"It's not your fault, Keira," he mumbles, and now it's his turn to avert his gaze, "you didn't mean to die." She nods and for the first time ever, an awkward silence descends between them.

"I still love you too Keira." he says after awhile and hope flutters in her heart.

"You do?" she questions, not quite daring to believe that those words had actually crossed his lips.

"Of course I do," he replies "How could I not? Whatever else has happened in the past two years, that hasn't changed, even if I thought it had." He looks so sincere and she knows he's telling the truth, she can see it in his eyes, but his words from Horizon went deeper than she thought and she can't quite let it go yet.

"You said..." she begins not sure if she should say what she's thinking, not sure if she wants to dredge it all up, but she knows that if there's any hope of a future for them then she needs to and she's suddenly desperate to have that future, "On Horizon..." she starts again, but he holds up his hand to silence her.

"I said a lot of things on Horizon," he says, recalling his words and wincing, "I was angry and hurt and I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't mean it Keira, any of it, I do love you." he repeats looking directly at her. The look of love in his eyes combined with his words causes her to gasp and she knows now that he means it, that Horizon doesn't matter, that if they were to have that meeting again now things would be different. That he was hurting and confused and that's all there was to it. As he stares at her with all the love and adoration that she knows he has for her, she once again feels that instinctive pull that she'd once felt so long ago by the_ Normandy_ lockers. She gives into it and moves closer. He moves too and, gradually inching closer, her last absurd coherent thought is _'Joker, if you interrupt this time I will end you.' _

When he presses his lips gently to hers she feels a familiar explosion of warmth in her stomach that she hasn't felt it in so long and she'd forgotten just how good it is. As he deepens the kiss, gently sliding his tongue into her mouth, she throws her arms around him pulling him closer. She finds she's trembling. _'God I missed this,' _she thinks before losing herself in his taste, his lips, his tongue.

For his part Kaidan can't believe he's kissing her like this again, she tastes just the same as he remembers, her mouth moulding itself against his just like it used to. Sliding his arms around her small waist he pulls her closer, loving the way the contours of her body feel beneath his hands.

When their lips part several moments later they're both breathing heavily and when they open their eyes and gaze at each other she finds she's missed having his face so close to her own.

"I love you." she whispers. He gazes at her and moves back a little, resettling himself on the end of the bed.

"I love you too." he replies.

"So...now what?" Keira questions, half-dreading the answer. Kaidan merely smiles.

"For the moment, I've been given two weeks of shore leave. I plan to spend them with you." He states fixing her with that loving stare of his that always made her heart melt.

"I wish I could Kaidan," she sighs sadly, "but I have a ship to sort out and a crew to organize..." but he cups her face, gently laying his thumb across her lips and she falls silent.

"Right now you need rest and recuperation and even when you're better you can't work around the clock," he points out before adding, "I'll take every moment I can get." She smiles at that, happy that he so badly wants to be with her again. Then she yawns, suddenly tired.

"Rest sounds good right now." she says and stretches her tired muscles.

"Come on then," he orders, standing and holding out his hand to help her off the bed, "Let's get you to your quarters, you need a proper sleep." She nods and takes his outstretched hand, throwing back the bedcovers and shifting to the edge of the bed, but when she puts her full weight on her feet her legs crumple and she finds herself falling into his waiting arms.

"Guess I'm still a little weak..." she murmurs sleepily against his shirt. Without a word Kaidan scoops her up and she finds that being held in his strong arms is such a comfort and she's so tired, so comfortable, that she falls asleep right away. Kaidan relaxes as he hears the change in her breathing and gazes down at her sleeping form. He still can't quite believe he's holding her again. He gazes at her, enjoying the look of utter peace on her face and the way she nestles her head against his shoulder. Moving slowly and carefully, so as not to wake her, he turns and leaves the med-bay.

When he comes out into the mess hall he sees Garrus sitting at the table with Tali and the Cerberus woman he's sure he's heard referred to as Miranda. When Miranda sees him she leaps to her feet.

"What happened?" she snaps at him, her eyes glancing over Shepard's sleeping form in his arms, "How is she?"

"She's fine," he replies calmly, "she's sleeping," and looking behind her towards Garrus and Tali he softly questions, "Where are her quarters?" Garrus and Tali share a glance before Tali says.

"Top deck Kaidan," she replies softly, "Take care of her."

"I will." he states and with one final glance towards Miranda he heads towards the elevator. When he reaches her quarters, his eyes passively noting the size of her cabin and the fish tank that forms one wall, he carries her to the bed, carefully laying her down.

"Sleep well, Shepard." he whispers fondly and as he gazes at her he can't resist gently stroking her hair out of her face. The movement wakes her and her eyes flutter open sleepily; she smiles when she sees him.

"Sorry." he whispers.

"Don't be." she replies settling her head against the pillows and closing her eyes. Kaidan takes one last look at her and turns to go, leaving her to sleep.

"Kaidan?" she calls without opening her eyes, stopping him in his tracks.

"Yes?" he questions, turning back towards the bed and bending down so his face is level with hers.

"Don't leave." and the begging tone in her words tugs at his heartstrings.

"I'm never leaving you like that again Keira." he says quietly, but the expression on her face tells him she heard. Lazily she reaches out and gently pulls him towards her. He obeys her unspoken command, quickly sliding off his shoes and joining her on the bed, gathering her up into his arms, her head resting on his shoulder and his chin nestled against her forehead, and together, they fall asleep like that.

* * *

><p>She wakes a few hours later, smiling at the sight before her. Kaidan's head is led on the pillow next to hers, fast asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily with his breathing, his arm still loosely slung over her waist. She watches him, wondering if she dares to believe he's real. Feeling her stare on him his eyelids flicker and he frowns slightly. She finds the little crease that appears on his forehead adorable and as he wakes up she finds herself drowning in his eyes.<p>

"Hey." he whispers.

"Hey." she whispers back.

"Guarding me in my sleep?" he asks, repeating the words she'd once said to him a lifetime ago.

"Something like that," she replies. She reaches out her hand to run it through his hair and along his jaw line, "You're real." she states and even though she can feel his skin beneath her hand she's still not sure she believes it.

"Well I was the last time I checked." he replies smiling groggily. He reaches up and lays his hand over hers, gently squeezing it. As their eyes meet they realise where they are; in her quarters, in her bed...alone. Something changes in the air between them. Their breathing becomes heavier. Slowly, hesitantly, she lowers her mouth to his, teasing his lips apart with her tongue. The kiss starts out slowly, lovingly, but soon becomes more feverish. Kaidan's hand slides up her ribcage under her shirt and her hands begin to prise open his belt buckle. Then frantic fingers tear at clothing. Kaidan suddenly remembers that it's been two years since he'd been with a woman. Two years of grief and loneliness. Two terrible years without her, but now she's back with him again, his to have, his to hold, his to love completely...and he's determined to make the most of it.


	17. Chapter Sixteen: The Morning After

A/N So we're now into the chapters I wrote to consol myself after writing all the heartbreaking chapters, so cuteness and fluff abound, you have been warned.

Thanks for the reviews/ adds you guys seriously you've no idea how much I appreciate them! and thanks yo-sirrah as always for making it all awesome.

Bioware's toys I just like to play with them, especially Kaidan.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Sixteen - The Morning After<strong>

For the first time in so long she feels fully rested when she wakes up the next morning. Her deeply-satisfied muscles are nestled comfortably in the cocoon that is the plush cotton of the bed sheets; sheets which gently caress her naked skin. She smiles as she remembers how she ended up here. How he had come to her rescue once again. A soreness between her thighs irritates her and she stretches her legs out trying to find a position that will ease the pain. Dimly in her half-awake state she wonders why she's sore and then she remembers that this body is new and no matter how many men she's had before, this body knows none of them. Last night was the first time since her resurrection. _'He'll like that,'_ she thinks. Rolling over she reaches to the other side of the bed for him but he isn't there. Immediately she bolts upright and frantically she looks to his side of the bed only to find that he's definitely not there. She thinks that he might be in the shower but she can't hear it running.

"Kaidan?" she calls, trying not to let her voice crack. No answer. _'Bastard,' _she thinks as her mind immediately assumes the worst. She flops back on the bed and buries her face in the pillow, cursing herself for hoping. She's sure he realised he couldn't come back to her after two years and left, or maybe he realised he was over her and left, either way he's not here. She punches the pillow, screaming curses at herself and at him into the duvet.

"Should I come back?" queries a deep and vaguely amused sounding voice from behind her. She stills, slowly she sits up and sees Kaidan standing at the top of the stairs, a laden breakfast tray in his hand.

"I thought you'd gone." she says quietly, blushing. A pained look crosses his face for an instant but it passes quickly.

"I did go," he replies descending the steps towards her, "to get you some breakfast. I thought it was about time someone treated you to breakfast in bed." he grins, setting the tray on her lap and perching on the edge of the bed, and he gazes at her intently for a moment before reaching out to cup her cheek.

"I said I wouldn't leave you again Keira" he murmurs, "I meant it." and he leans in to briefly kiss her lips. When he pulls back she returns his smile feeling a little guilty. How could she doubt him now? He was here, he'd come to help her, and he wouldn't leave her again. _'You're an idiot Shepard,' _she reprimanded herself. She looks at the tray; two mugs of coffee, a full rack of toast, two breakfast muffins, both of which are chocolate, and a plate of pancakes.

"Kaidan, this is so sweet," she begins, "but I have to go and sort out..." she makes a movement to get out of bed but is stopped by his hands gently pushing her back. She doesn't resist, doesn't really want to. His eyes are twinkling mischievously as he picks up a piece of toast and begins buttering it.

"Dr. Chakwas," he says slowly, laughter hiding just beneath the surface of his words, "has declared your injuries too severe for active duty for the next twenty four hours. She's removed you from command and orders you to remain in this room and rest," he finished buttering the toast and placed it on the plate in front of her. He moved to pick up the milk container, "Miranda, Tali and Garrus are managing everything in the meantime," he adds to ease her concern for her ship, dropping a cube of milk into each coffee cup, "However, since Dr Chakwas is concerned about your..." his gaze flickers to hers for a moment, humour dancing in his eyes, "...ability to follow her orders and is, in her words, too busy to babysit, she's assigned the only available medically trained officer to you to ensure that you get your rest." he adds and finishes stirring the coffee, handing her a cup.

"And who, exactly, is that?" she queries as she accepts it, catching his mood and smiling along with him.

"Me." he replies, lifting his own cup off the tray. His eyes locked with hers. She raises her eyebrows

"I see," she pauses to sip her coffee, "So" she glances at him over the rim of her cup, "let me make sure I've got this right. Between them, my crew have practically forced me to remain in my cabin, with you, for twenty four glorious hours?"

"That's about the size of it, yes." he replies his eyes still twinkling, a mirror of her expression.

"I'll have to thank them sometime." she says, smirking, and raises the cup to her lips again.

"So will I." he rasps back. As their smiling eyes lock once again the two cups clank loudly as they're slammed onto the breakfast tray which is soon sent flying onto the floor as they rush to embrace each other. The lovingly prepared breakfast went soaring across the room. They couldn't have cared less.

Afterwards, they settle themselves amongst the sheets, curled up together and content to just hold one another after so long apart. Kaidan finds that holding her still bears an odd mix of strangeness and familiarity. The contours of her body are the same, she tastes the same, feels the same. Being with her feels as natural and right as it ever did, and it had been so very easy to kiss her, to take her in his arms and to make love to her again, to laugh, to joke. So easy, so simple and yet there was still so much to say. He lets his thoughts travel through all she had told him yesterday. Everything she had done. He no longer questions her story or who she is, that had been proved by what she had done and by the look in her eyes as she had told him everything, and by the fact that he could still read her expressions.

He knows as well that he has no chance of being with anyone else because he loves _her_, completely and utterly, and no one could take her place in his heart. Shepard was a woman unlike any other. There was a reason he hadn't been able to be with anyone else. Hell, he couldn't even go out for drinks with that doctor without thinking of her. He had tried, sure. He had tried not to mentally list the ways in which she wasn't Shepard. He had tried to listen as she told him about her clinic and he had tried not to wish he was discussing the best way to eliminate a colossus with Shepard. He had made the attempt and he had failed spectacularly. He had only kissed her because it was expected, but her kiss hadn't been Shepard's kiss, and he hadn't seen her again. She was perfectly nice...but she wasn't Shepard.

Cerberus. That was his only remaining concern, but she had said she'd left them, had said that she never wanted to work with them in the first place. The Alliance had refused to help her, so of course she had taken Cerberus' resources, that was only logical, but she was free from them now. She was free to return to the Alliance if they would have her, if she wanted to.

"I'm in danger of being soaked through here." she says from beside him. He twists his head to look over at her. He had been so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed her shifting away from him and lying on her side, head propped on her elbow. He smiles up at her, enjoying the look of amusement on her face.

"What?" he questions, confused. She laughs and he realises that he hasn't heard her laugh in such a long time; it's a nice surprise to discover that it's still one of his favourite sounds.

"That little black raincloud I mentioned once? It's sitting above your head again." she replies, flicking her eyes to a spot above his head before returning her gaze to his eyes.

"I'll try to keep you dry ma'am." he teases, recalling his words from another time. She glances at him for a moment, her expression growing more serious. She reaches out, running her fingers through his hair and along his jaw.

"What's on your mind Kaidan?" she queries with a hint of sadness in her voice and he's sure she's worried that he still has concerns, that he still might leave her. It had taken her awhile last time to trust in them completely, to let him in utterly, but she had, and she will again.

"Nothing," he replies pulling her back into his arms, her head resting on his chest, "just thinking through everything you said yesterday."

"And?" she presses, her voice quiet, soft, scared.

"And I believe you Keira, on all counts. Just...what will you do now? Will you return to the Alliance?" She moves away from him raising her head to look him in the eyes, wanting him to read the truth of her words.

"The Alliance is my family Kaidan, after Mindoir it was all I had, you know that. I want to rejoin but will they have me? Will they let me go after the Reapers?" her voice is thoughtful but strained. Instinctively he pulls her back into his arms again, unwilling to let her go for even a moment, wishing he had the answers for her.

"I just don't know," she mumbles into his chest, relaxing into his arms a little, "Truth be told I'm completely at a loss."

"It'll be okay Keira." he says, running a soothing hand across her back. He shouldn't have asked the question. He didn't mean to worry her but he had wanted to know her plans.

"Will it?" she asks knowing that if he says it she'll believe him.

"Yes," he replies, and she smiles, "'you'll figure it out, you always do." he adds and the soft, low rumble of his voice is rather soothing for her, and she's pleased to discover that he still has the power to allay her fears. She shifts closer to him settling against his naked form.

Kaidan wraps his arms around her, sighing in contentment. She doesn't know what she's going to do and that's fine, all he can do is be there like he always had been and try to help her figure it out. _'Just like old times,' _he thinks to himself.

"Kaidan?" She says after a while.

"Hmm?" he replies dropping a soft kiss onto her shoulder

"Can I ask you something?" she sounds unsure, hesitant, and he wonders what more she has to ask of him.

"Of course." he replies.

"Am I...you know...the same?" she queries, needing to hear it from his lips. She had proved it to herself. Joker, Garrus, Tali and Chakwas had all said the same but she still needs to hear it from him, needs to hear it from the man who truly knows her, almost better than she knows herself.

"Undoubtedly." he replies reaching out to cup her face and tilting her chin upwards enabling him to gently kiss her smiling lips. As he kisses her, his warm soft lips so gentle and yet so firm against hers, the last of her doubts melt away. She feels a sudden surge of happiness race through her and she can't help grinning, in spite of what's still to come, in spite of her doubts. The fact that she has been granted these few moments with the man she loves above any other mean everything to her and she can't help feeling completely and utterly happy, however short that happiness might turn out to be.

"That's better." he says looking down at her, thrilled to see that she's smiling once again. No more doubts in his head, no more concerns, ready to just be with her again. He realises that those two years matter less than he had thought they did. After all she had been dead and without her he had only been half alive, hidden behind a professional mask as impenetrable as hers. An entire personality had developed from that mask but it was not the man he had been before because he can only be that man with her.

Right now, everything is perfect and for a while they simply lie there, alternating between dozing, cuddling and kissing.

"I don't ever want to have to get up." she mumbles against him after a while. He chuckles.

"I'm afraid we'll have to eventually," he says, "You know, for food and things." She laughs.

"That's a point, actually," she replies, "I thought I was being treated to breakfast in bed." he raises his head looking over to the opposite corner of the bed where he can just see the scattered remains of the breakfast he'd brought up a few hours ago.

"Well you would have been," he shoots back, "but it seems you had other things on your mind."

"_I _had other things on my mind?" she teases, a humours glint appearing in her eyes.

"Well I suppose I had a _little _something to do with it." he concedes, and she laughs in response. She pulls herself up into a sitting position and he mimics her, the both of them sitting against the headboard of her bed with the sheet curled around them, surveying the mess they made. She sighs.

"I'll go get us something." she says making a move to get out of bed. A hand on her forearm stops her abruptly and she turns her head back to face him, one eyebrow raised quizzically.

"You're supposed to be resting remember?" he chides gently, easily pulling her back into bed, "What kind of medical officer would I be if I didn't make sure you got your rest?" She giggles, submitting easily to his will, the only person she's willing to surrender to.

"Rest wasn't on your mind a moment ago." she teases, revelling in the ability to joke with him like they used to. Being here with him now it's so easy to believe that no time has passed at all.

"All the more reason for me to make up for it now then." he replies, leaning over the side of the bed in order to scoop up the jeans he'd been wearing yesterday. Sitting sideways on the bed he slides them on, not bothering to hunt down his underwear. Standing up he walks to the end of the bed, picking up his plain white undershirt and tugging it quickly over his head. Keira can't help but pout as the finely-toned muscular figure that is once again hers to enjoy vanishes from view. He smiles at her, catching her expression. Slowly he crawls across the bed towards her, keeping his eyes locked on hers, enjoying the heat that appears in her gaze. Once he's close enough he cups her face, pulling her lips to his in order to give her a long, lingering kiss. As he pulls back she keeps her eyes closed wanting to savour his taste.

"I'll be right back." he says softly and she opens her eyes.

"You'd better be," the challenge evident in her eyes, "I don't tolerate disobedience." He laughs

"I remember, ma'am." he says softly, the word 'ma'am' sending a delicious shiver down her spine. A shiver she had missed so much.

"You okay finding your way around?" she asks, deciding to let him take care of her.

"Yeah," he replies, "I found the mess this morning, met Gardener and I saw Garrus last night. From what I've seen so far everything's more or less in the same place." She nods. She had noticed that herself when she had first stepped aboard.

Kaidan heaves himself off the bed, stepping over the mess of the first breakfast. Just as he's about to leave the room Keira calls out;

"Oh and Kaidan?" she says, he turns, "be prepared for most of the crew to know who you are by now." she adds expecting scuttlebutt to be in full effect. If nothing else she's sure questions would have been asked when she hadn't appeared in the CIC that morning...questions she's sure Joker would have enjoyed answering. He nods.

"No problem," he replies, "I'll be right back." and with that he turns and leaves her quarters. As the door closes behind him she pulls her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and sighing happily. She doesn't stay still for long however, the marine in her unable to leave the mess strewn across the floor. She casts around for her clothes and finds them all out of reach, asides from her underwear which she finds hanging unceremoniously over the bedside table. Under the blanket she slides them on and decides against getting out of bed naked, uncomfortable walking around that way with EDI constantly watching, not that it had been on her mind last night or this morning. She smiles, truly happy for the first time since her resurrection. Spotting the black and white chequered chambray shirt he'd been wearing on the edge of the bed she reaches for it and pulls it on. The sleeves are a little big for her but she rolls them back, and the buttons only start at her breastbone but that doesn't worry her. It smells of him, of spice and ozone, and the material is soft against her naked skin. When she stands she finds that the shirt falls to her mid-thigh, covering her just enough.

Gingerly she tiptoes over to the splattered mess picking up all the broken bits of china in one hand before throwing them into the waste disposal unit. Then she piles up all the whole bits onto the tray and places it on the table before retrieving a cloth from the bathroom and wiping up the rest of the mess. When she's done she quickly checks her terminal before Kaidan comes back and scolds her for working.

Meanwhile, two floors below Kaidan exits the lift and heads towards Gardener's station. He feels a little odd walking around this _Normandy_, so like the old one but yet not quite the same. It's a ship that she belongs on but he doesn't, and yet he's determined that she should get her rest and he knows that as soon as she sets foot outside her cabin her crew, as much as they also want her to rest, would probably still want her attention. It's one of the drawbacks of being the best Commander in the galaxy, so he'll suffer feeling a little odd for her sake.

As he rounds the corner he notes a single solitary figure sat at the mess table. A figure he recognises.

"You're out of your chair." he says by way of a greeting.

"You're out of Shepard's bed. She give you permission for that?" Kaidan laughs.

"She did actually...she's hungry."

"Ah." Joker replies nodding. Kaidan moves forward and takes a seat opposite him at the mess table.

"How've you been Joker?" he questions, recalling the last time he'd seen his former comrade - the day of her memorial service.

"Been better," is the pilot's only reply. Kaiden nods understanding, "They grounded me." he adds.

"I heard...Cerberus?"

"Only because of Shepard...she wasn't happy after Horizon, we were there for her, but she wanted you." Joker replies fixing Kaidan with a glare that's half reproachful, half sorrow-filled.

"I'm here now." he says.

"Don't screw up again." Joker states firmly, making it an order not a request.

"I won't." he replies, equally firm.

"Good." For a moment the two men sit in silence before the sound of the lift approaching jolts them both from their private thoughts.

"Oh hey Mordin," Joker calls addressing the Salarian over Kaidan's shoulder. Kaidan turns, curious to meet the crew Shepard had told him about yesterday, "Come meet Alenko, he's here to see to Shepard's ah, _needs_." Joker adds. Kaidan turns back to face Joker, fixing him with the warning stare he'd often given him aboard the SR-1 when he'd been about to say something that might reveal his and Shepard's secret. However, the way Joker sees it, this _isn't_ the SR-1.

"What?" He questions, a mischievous look plastered all over his face, "No regs here Alenko." Kaidan opens his mouth to make a reply but the Salarian, having moved closer in order to study Kaidan, interrupts him.

"This is he? Shepard's bed mate? Good. High risk mission. Necessary for Commanding officer to be relaxed. Sexual activity good for tension release. Needed it before, but...good that she has it now. Better late than never. Good to meet you."

Kaidan's mouth drops open automatically. He says nothing, too stunned to speak, wordlessly he turns to face Joker raising his eyebrows. Joker shrugs

"You get used to it." he says. Kaidan lets out a snort of laughter.

"If you say so," he replies, "I should get Shepard some food. Good to meet you Mordin." he adds as he stands and moves towards the kitchen.

When he returns to the loft he finds Keira settled on the sofa, her long, perfectly-shaped legs propped on the table in front of her, data pad in hand, still wearing his shirt and he can't help but notice how good it looks on her.

"That had better not be work." he chides, nodding towards the data pad in her hand. She looks up at him smiling; the mere sight of him is still a joy to her after so many nights wishing he were there. She shakes her head.

"No," she replies, "it's a book called _Lord of the Rings._"

"I've read that." he says walking down the few steps towards her and placing the tray on the table.

"You have?" she questions, before quickly adding, "Don't tell me how it ends, I've been trying to finish it for seven years." He laughs, and easing himself into the seat next to her he starts to divide the enormous amount of food on the tray he'd just brought up.

"Seven years huh?" he questions, "what's taking you so long?" She laughs, pulling her legs towards her and setting them on the floor, dropping the pad onto the table as she does so.

"Oh you know..." she replies, "tiny things, like saving all organic life as we know it. Keeps getting in the way." He laughs.

"Fair enough." he concedes.

She reaches out to take some of the food piled on her side of the tray but for the second time that morning he grabs her arm stopping her. She looks at him, eyebrows raised.

"You're supposed to be in bed resting." he says, his gaze noting the sudden lack of mess on the floor and the fact that the bed's been made. He wouldn't be surprised to discover that she'd been checking her terminal as well. She shrugs.

"I didn't feel like lazing in bed all day," she replies before cheekily adding, "however good the company might be." grinning at him, her eyes sparkling with mirth as she gives him and his wonderful physique an appreciative glance. The heat in her eyes sends his heart thudding against his chest and his mind back to the fact that it's his shirt she's wearing and just how good it looks on her.

"If I had my way," he replies huskily, "you wouldn't even be dressed...although I have to say I do approve of your choice of attire." His eyes sweep her body noting the way the shirt comes only to her thighs, allowing him to see the entirety of those beautifully shaped legs and how it only buttons below her breasts so that when she had moved forward he had caught a glimpse of her naked chest underneath. He also notices how the shirt seems to conform to the curve of her hips taking nothing away from her feminine form, "How come you manage to look so much better in my own shirt than I do?" he asks as he looks at her. She laughs and shakes her head and he knows she doesn't believe him.

"Seriously," he presses before dropping his voice to a low growl and adding, "I may have to rip it off you just to stop myself from getting jealous." She shivers and closes her eyes for a moment. Then a mischievous smile crosses her face.

"Well, you'll have to wait," she says enjoying teasing him immensely, "'I want the breakfast in bed I was promised first."

"It's not breakfast in bed if you're not in bed." he points out fairly.

"You sure you don't have an ulterior motive in pointing that out?" she retorts, turning to look at him and raising an eyebrow. He grins wolfishly at her.

"Perhaps," he replies, "but we should eat first." He doesn't wait for her to respond but stands quickly, scooping her up into his arms before she can protest and tossing her onto the bed. Once released from his arms she immediately attempts to stand again, scrambling against the sheets. He laughs and seizing the sheet he wraps it around her lithe form and quickly tucks the edge under the mattress, effectively pinning her to the bed. She lets out a small, half-serious '_hmph'_ of annoyance. He says nothing and fixes her with that warning look he often gave her in jest when she was being mischievous - that look which reminded her of the way a teacher might caution a naughty child. She laughs and ceases in her attempts to escape, settling instead against the pillows. He grins at her and moves to retrieve the tray from the table before settling himself next to her, turning his head and looking at her with a devilish glint in his eyes that rivals her own, he simply says in a cool and polite tone as if he's asking for the first time:

"Breakfast in bed, ma'am?" She loses it, throwing her head back and laughing longer and louder than she ever has since her resurrection. He chuckles with her, glad that she can still enjoy herself like this and not missing the way she still throws her head back with that characteristic gesture when she laughs. He proffers the tray towards her and she finally tastes some of the breakfast in bed she's waited most of the morning to have.

As they eat it's Kaidan's turn to talk, and he tells her about the various ships he'd served on since the first _Normandy_ and how none of them had felt the same. He tells her how whenever his Commander had called he had always turned somehow expecting her to be there. He tells her a little about how difficult it had been coping with her death but he spares her most of the gory details, it's in the past now and it doesn't matter to him anymore. Telling her exactly what he had gone through would only hurt her and there's no sense in doing that because, it wasn't her fault, she hadn't meant to die, hadn't meant to leave him, and so he skims that particular dark period of his life.

He tells her about his N training and for a moment they switch horror stories. He tells her how, after his promotion, he kept expecting people to be calling her instead of him when they called 'Commander'. He briefly paints her a picture of how the Alliance has changed, how humanity has changed and how the council are just as blind as ever. He starts to tell her about some of the missions that he had led, some part of him wanting her opinion, her approval, giving a little voice to the vague idea he'd had of taking her place after her death. She nods along as he runs through his very first mission as a Commander, leaving out nothing, and he's encouraged by her mumbles of '_good'_ and '_nice'_ as he tells the story. He starts to relate his next mission but she stops him, her gaze snapping to his.

"Kaidan," she chides gently, "not that I don't want to know all of this, but, should you really be telling me?" He blinks, that thought hadn't even occurred to him. He was so used to having discussions of this kind with her, so used to being able to tell her everything. He raises his hand to rub the back of his neck.

"You're not Cerberus anymore." he says pointedly.

"I'm not Alliance either," she replies, an unmistakable sad tone of wistfulness in her voice, "not anymore or at least, not yet." she adds and he grimaces, a part of him still hurt that the Alliance could abandon her in the way that it did. He lays a comforting arm around her waist, drawing her closer and using his other arm to pick up the now empty tray and toss it onto the bedside table behind him. That done he hugs her close, both arms now around her waist.

"It'll be okay Keira." he says knowing that sometimes it's all she needs to hear. She nods against his chest, his presence, his closeness providing the perfect antidote to her melancholy state.

"I saw Joker in the mess." he remarks after awhile, keen to change the subject; she twists her head so she can look up at him.

"Oh?" she says. He nods, the twinkle of mirth reappearing in his dark brown eyes.

"He said something interesting actually." he continues smiling as he sees the mirth return to her eyes also, his mood lightening hers.

"And what was that?" she asks. He grins.

"That there's no regulations here." and now it's her turn to grin, the idea that they wouldn't have to hide or sneak or lie this time being enormously appealing. The idea that, if she wanted to, she could proclaim to the entirety of this small corner of the universe that is completely hers to command that she was in love with Kaidan Alenko, that he was hers and hers alone. The thought is somehow incredibly inviting.

"That's true," she replies before adding, "then I guess we can do whatever we want." laying a tantalising emphasis on the word _whatever_.

"If you say so ma'am." he breathes softly. His eyes meet hers and he's thrilled to see that her response to the word 'ma'am' is still the same. Heat crackles in their gaze as their eyes lock in that glance that had always and still remains a precursor to even more pleasurable events.

'How much time do we have left?' she says, her voice low, strained from desire. He grins.

"Enough." he replies before quickly reversing their positions, laying her against the sheets and kissing her gently, deft quick fingers unbuttoning the shirt of his that she's still wearing as he does so.


	18. Chapter Seventeen: Who's with me?

A/N heys sorry it's later than usual, real life got in the way, but the last chapter was a long one so I'm hoping it's okay. Thanks for reading/reviewing/adding you guys makes me unbelievably happy when I see the notifications!

Yo-sirrah, thanks as ever for all the fixings.

Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seventeen – Who's with me? <strong>

Twenty four hours to the very second after she had left the med-bay, Commander Shepard makes her reappearance in the CIC. She sweeps from the elevator up to the galaxy map the same confident and commanding presence that she has always been. But nobody misses the smile on her face or the lighter step she walks with now, as if a giant burden has been taken off her slim shoulders. Kaidan hears a few mumbled jokes about tension release and about her finally getting laid and other such things but he knows they don't mean it like that, knows that they're aware that if any of them deserve a little happiness it's her, so he ignores them, as does she. She stands at the galaxy map, strong and proud, her gaze taking in the faces of her crew before her.

"Well," she says finally, "'We did it..."

Kaidan watches her as she addresses her crew. He may have been promoted twice over the last few years and he'd led a fair few 'suicide' missions of his own but she was something else. How could he doubt she was the same woman now? There was something about Shepard, something that made people want to follow her to hell and back, that made them want to be better than they were, and that wasn't something Cerberus could have re-created. Who else but Shepard could stand there simultaneously commanding the awe, respect and obedience of an assassin, a Justicar, a criminal, a Krogan and a thief all at the same time? Kaidan didn't know who these people had been when Shepard had recruited them, but it didn't matter. They were her crew now. That was Shepard all over. She came into your life in a blaze of glory and you were never the same again. He, Garrus and Joker were all living proof of that. She had a way of changing people for the better and in such a way that you didn't even notice until she'd gone. As he watches her he feels his heart swell with all the love and admiration that he feels for her and as he glances around at her crew he sees his feelings mirrored in their faces. He knows she'll ask them if they want to stay with her, but she needn't bother because they'd follow her anywhere.

"This is a spectre vessel now," she's saying and nobody would guess that moments ago she'd been confessing to him that she was at a loss, "and I don't know where our next pay cheque is coming from. Therefore I have to ask all those who wish to remain with Cerberus and those who have families to support to leave the ship," The crew immediately breaks out in indignation and Kaidan smiles inwardly. He was right, none of them want to leave her. Shepard holds up her hand and silence falls again, "I know that many of you want to stay and finish what we started but I cannot knowingly take mothers, fathers, husbands and wives away from each other when the decision whether to take you or not rests with me and that includes you Thane." she adds, turning towards the Drell. Thane inclines his head towards her.

"Forgive me, Siha," he replies, "but I do not think I would be able to face Kolyat again if I abandoned you now." Shepard makes no reply but regards him for a moment and Kaidan knows she's sizing up the truth of his words. Eventually she nods.

"Very well." she agrees turning towards Miranda and Jacob, but before she can even ask the question Miranda says;

"We're staying Shepard. I can't honestly trust the Illusive Man again after what he asked you to do back there." Next to her Jacob nods.

"Same here." he grunts.

"Your sister..." Shepard begins to Miranda, still making the well being of her crew a top priority.

"She should be fine." Miranda replies, but she doesn't sound so sure. Shepard nods

"Keep an eye on her. If there's the slightest sign of trouble let me know, we can always make a detour." and Miranda visibly relaxes leaving Kaidan to marvel at the way she's still able to quell everyone else's fears with a few well-chosen words. Shepard's gaze turns to each of her squad members, the question written on her face. Garrus nods to her, because obviously he isn't going to leave her now. Tali, Samara and Mordin follow his lead.

"A Krogan's duty is to follow his battlemaster." Grunt rumbles when her gaze reaches him. Kasumi smiles her enigmatic smile and Jacks only response is to shrug and say;

"Why the fuck not?" But Shepard knows there's more to it than that and she's grateful that she wants to stay.

"This unit will remain with Shepard-Commander until the Old Machines are eliminated." Legion states and she nods. She figured as much.

"Thank you." she says addressing all of them and they know she really means it from the depths of her heart and they're proud to have earned such thanks. She straightens up her body, automatically moving into parade rest. Time to put her plan into action.

"Right, Miranda, I want a list of all the crewmembers who are leaving, Jacob help her out, make sure they have everything they need. The rest of you to your stations, I want a detailed list of everything that needs to be repaired and, if possible, a list of what needs replacing and an estimated cost. We'll reconvene in the briefing room in two hours, understood? Dismissed." and as the crew rush off to fulfil her orders she turns towards Kaidan.

"And what about you?" she questions, a touch of sadness creeping into her voice. He sighs heavily and takes both her hands in his.

"I guess I'll have to return to the Alliance." he mutters sadly. She looks to the floor, unable to meet his eye and nods. She can't bear to look at the man who strode in and saved her when she knows he has to leave again. Kaidan tilts his head and catching her eyes in his gaze, he brings her head up with his.

"But when the Reapers roll through? You'd better believe I'll find a way to be there." He states fiercely, trying to convey just how much he means those words.

"You promise?" she asks, quietly searching his eyes.

"I swear," he replies tightening his grip on her hands, "I'll be there Keira," he repeats, "at your side, watching your six. I'll be right there when you send them back to dark space."

"Good," she says reading the truth of his words in his eyes, "I need you there." she admits, and his heart leaps into his mouth at that, loving the fact that she still needs him as much as he needs her.

"I'll be there," he repeats firmly, "besides, someone needs to try and get the Alliance prepared for what's coming and I can pass along any information that you want to share." She nods.

"It'll be good to have someone fighting my corner for me in the Alliance again." she states, visibly relaxing as one of many burdens is lifted from her shoulders.

"You have more than just me to do that Keira," he replies, "but while I'm gone if you need me, whatever you need me for, I'm on the other end of a message okay?" and she nods, thrilled to have his support again, the knowledge that she can always reach out to him making her heart even lighter. "In the meantime," he continues, "I've still got over a week's worth of shore leave left, you want me to help out?" She nods.

"Please," she says and smiles at him, the twinkle returning to her eyes, "and now, I have one more person to ask..." She sweeps towards the bridge indicating for him to follow.

"I assume you're still with me Joker." she calls to her pilot once they're within earshot.

"I go where the _Normandy _goes. Commander," he replies spinning his chair around to face them, "we're a package deal," he adds, patting the console fondly, "Besides someone has to make sure you don't come up with some clever new plan to get my baby all exploded again, might as well be me."

"Thanks Joker." she says softly, genuine affection brimming in her eyes.

"Argh - there you go again, getting all touchy-feely," Joker snorts, rolling his eyes, but Kaidan can tell he's secretly pleased, "honestly, I think you've gone soft since loverboy here showed up." Keira grins at that and looks towards Kaidan, he raises his eyebrow at her.

"Well I have you to thank Joker," he says, winking at Keira, "if it weren't for our little bet..." Keira giggles.

"Gah! Don't remind me," Joker scoffs, spinning around to face his console again, "go on you two. Go gaze at each other someplace else, far away from my bridge. Go on, go, shoo." he orders. Keira laughs and turns to leave, Kaidan follows but stops after a few paces.

"Oh and Joker?" he calls looking back.

"What?" the pilot replies, without turning around.

"Don't call me loverboy again."

"Sure thing...loverboy." Kaidan chuckles to himself. He finds that in an odd sort of way it's nice to be teased by Joker again, sort of normal, usual and somehow right. He knows he's not here for long and he knows that this isn't _really_ the _Normandy_ but he finds that for the first time in two years he feels like he's finally home, and as that old Earth saying goes, there's definitely no place like it.


	19. Chapter 18: You'll figure it out Shepard

A/N Just to say, thanks for the adds/reviews guys and also just to warn you that I won't be able to update for a while. Sadly real life demands my constant attention for the next three weeks, but more after that I promise.

As always thanks yo-sirrah.

Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Eighteen - You'll figure it out Shepard<strong>

In the end, after quickly introducing him to everyone properly, Keira decides to send Kaidan to help Tali clear up engineering. When she leads him down there she knows she's made the right decision because when he sees the _Normandy's_ new engines his face lights up like a nine-year-old on Christmas morning, and he looks so utterly adorable that she feels herself fall in love with him that little bit more. When she leaves him he's happily chatting to Ken, Gabby and Tali about mysterious technical things that have to do with engines that she doesn't understand.

After making a quick trip up to the airlock to say goodbye to the last few leaving crewmembers she heads down to the cargo bay to see the level of damage sustained for herself. As she exits the lift she narrowly avoids walking into two of her crew who're both staring intently at something on a data pad. She sees Garrus, Jack, Grunt and even Joker at the other end of the bay. Someone, if she had to guess, Garrus, must have managed to convince him to get out of his chair. She heads over to them and they toss her a nod as she passes. She smiles back. When Joker sees her he leaps up, silently handing her a data pad and when she sees what's on it she looks back to him, smirking. He must have had EDI start piecing together the mass amount of information they'd gathered from the collector base. Joker returns to his task and she raises her head to face the vastness of space before her. As she gazes into the night sky it's like she can almost see what's coming. In her mind's eye she pictures the Reapers crossing dark space, those black metal tentacles reaching out to her. She shudders, but somehow she's not as terrified as she should be, because with Kaidan and her team behind her, she knows they can't lose.

* * *

><p>Two hours later everyone's in the briefing room and Kaidan can practically see the cogs turning in her head. As each person had entered the room they'd thrown her a data pad containing yet another set of information for her to process. From the expression on her face he can tell the outlook is not good. <em>'Everything will be fine Shepard. You'll figure it out,' <em>he thinks to himself smiling. She raises her head from the data pad to look at him, almost as if she heard his thoughts.

"Okay," she begins addressing the room in general, "here's what we do. Miranda and Kasumi, I want you two to find us some money from somewhere. See if we can't steal a little from Timmy-boy himself using our old connections. Work out how many of our resources we can sell, if we have to go mining again so be it. You might want Chambers to help as well and no, Kasumi, we're not pulling off a bank heist. Find another way," Keira orders, sharing a smile with the thief, "This," she adds, holding up one of the myriad of data pads in front of her and sliding it across the table to them, "is the number for my private account. I've managed to save quite a bit over the years. If you need to feel free to use it." Miranda nods and picks up the pad.

"Thank you Shepard." she replies. Shepard nods.

"Once we're fully operational again I'll contact the Alliance and the Council, they may be able to aid us now that we're no longer with Cerberus," she pauses, a frown creasing her forehead as she contemplates the lack of support she'd received from both of those organisations in the past, "but I won't hold my breath." She mutters before turning to Dr Solus.

"Mordin, time to do what you do best, research. This.." she states picking the data pad Joker had given her earlier and tossing it to the Salarian, "is the first little bit of information EDI extracted from the collector base about the Reapers. They must have a weakness. Find it. I'll get you the rest of the information as it comes; Thane help him out, if anyone here is good at spotting an enemy's weakness it's you." Thane nods in her direction, crossing the room to stand behind Mordin who's already fully absorbed in contents of the data pad

"Jack, Grunt, Samara - debris duty," Shepard continues, "I want you to collect every piece of spare scrap floating around on this ship and pile it in the portside cargo bay. We'll then go through it for anything we can use and melt the rest down. If we're lucky we may be able to make a good portion of the repairs without actually needing to buy much."

"Of course Shepard." replies Samara's calm, measured voice.

"Jacob and Garrus - weapons detail, see what you can do with what we've got. Top priority goes to getting the cannon back online but after that I want you to bring the secondary weapons up to speed and make sure our firearms are all in perfect working order." Jacob nods and throws her a salute.

"Yes Shepard." He replies in a perfect clipped military tone. She rolls her eyes.

"I think at this stage we're a little past saluting, Mr. Taylor." she chides, more than a little annoyed by the way he insists on constantly saluting.

"Sorry." he mumbles shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Her gaze flickers towards Jacob's right to share an amused glance with Garrus.

"That's all right," she replies before powering on, "Legion, Tali, I want you two to sort EDI out. If you have to physically pull her apart and put her back together then do it, anything to make sure that there's absolutely no way for the Illusive Man to somehow spy on us or take control of the ship. Make _absolutely _sure, am I clear?"

"Certainly Shepard." Tali says, her omni tool already active. Lastly Keira turns to Kaidan.

"I'm putting you in engineering," she tells him and he smiles knowing that she's purposefully arranged it that way because she knows he loves fixing things, "If the Alliance has come up with any new tech I don't know about that's better than what we already have I want you to incorporate it into our systems." He nods.

"No problem Shepard." he replies.

"Is that wise Commander?" comes Miranda's cold voice from across the room and Shepard turns her head to fix the woman with a stare that's been known to make even Krogan back down, "I mean, He's Alliance..." She continues glaring at Kaidan, "Can we really trust him?" Shepard swings her head to look at Kaidan and he feels like he's somehow being sized up.

"I trust him," she replies after awhile, "That should be good enough for everyone."

"Hear hear." Garrus agrees, clapping a hand on Kaidan's shoulder.

"Any problems, anything at all, let me know," Shepard continues, "you know me, my door is always open."

"Yeah except now it would be wise to knock, with Alenko on board who knows what you might walk in on?" comes Jokers voice over the comm. Kaidan blushes moving his gaze to the floor and shifting his weight. She glances at him and can't help but smile, pleased to once again see the expression that's part bewilderment and part pure embarrassment that she had so loved in the old days. Glancing skywards she raises her eyebrows.

"Careful, Joker," she responds, "you're starting to sound like you want something to do which doesn't somehow involve sitting in your chair and spying on people. I've got plenty of other jobs that need doing you know." In the briefing room everyone laughs and the tension eases. Still chuckling, Keira continues.

"Once all of that's been taken care of we'll see where we're at but for the moment let's take it one step at a time." She pauses to sweep her gaze across the faces of her crew trying to assess their mental state "One final thing...we just completed one of the toughest missions I've ever led and each one of you impressed the hell out of me back there. If I had my way I'd give you all a month's worth of leave, but sadly I don't control the universe. The Reapers are coming, and now they're closer than ever, so we need to dust off and stay ready," She pauses and smiles, "'But that doesn't mean we can't have some fun, so I'm instituting a ship wide rule. At eighteen-hundred hours each evening everyone stops working. From eighteen-hundred until o-nine-hundred the next day your time is yours and I expect to see you all in the mess for dinner at precisely eighteen-hundred so that I can make sure you all abide by this rule. Understood?" She can tell her crew like this new rule and she's glad she thought of it now, _'Hopefully it'll give them enough time to blow off steam while still ensuring we're getting things done' _she thinks. _'And it'll give me some time with Kaidan too...'_

"Good," She finishes once her crew have nodded their assent, "Dismissed." As the crew file out to their assigned tasks Keira begins to gather up her data pads. She's got a lot of reading to do. Kaidan is the last one to leave the briefing room, throwing her a smile and a wink as he does. She sighs happily, _'It's so nice having him around again.' _she thinks.

* * *

><p>Keira manages to read three out of fifteen data pads before she gets bored. She sighs. She never liked paperwork anyway and the idea of reading fifteen lists of facts and figures, all telling her she's doomed in one way or the other, really doesn't appeal right now. <em>'One more' <em>she tells herself, _'and then you can leave and check on everyone.' _

Ten minutes later she returns to the CIC, heading first to the lab to make sure Mordin hasn't driven Thane insane with his all his chattering, but when she enters she finds the two of them leaning over Mordin's terminal in complete silence, staring at something intently. At the sound of the door opening they both raise their heads in her direction.

"Siha." Greets Thane, inclining his head towards her.

"Just checking in," She replies, "How're you getting on?"

"Collector data complex." Mordin says, "Many analyses to complete. Will take time. Would work better if not disturbed." And the corner of her mouth twitches at the scientist's typical response.

"I'll let you work." she replies nodding and smiling to both men before making her exit. She finds that this is the case with most of her crew, all of them being far too busy with the tasks she'd assigned them to engage in even a few moments of idle chit chat with their Commander. Too busy doing actual work, unlike her. There was however one person aboard the _Normandy_ who would never be too busy to talk with her. Smiling, she turns towards engineering.

When she enters the room she sees him bending over one of the consoles tinkering with something, still looking like a kid at Christmas. She automatically cricks her neck to the side in order to fully enjoy the view.

"How's it going down here?" she calls after a moment and he twists his head back to look at her. He grins.

"She's amazing Shepard," he says coming towards her, his face shining with excitement, "I've never seen anything like her, she's operational for now but we're hoping that if we re-align the FTL drives with the new Alliance standard issue cables we might be able to shave five or maybe even six seconds of the field discharge time."

"And that's...good?" she questions and he remembers how he'd always found her technical inabilities strangely charming.

"Yes, that's good." he replies smiling at her, adoration shining in his eyes.

"What's that look for mister?" she queries, gazing up at him.

"Nothing," he replies, "you're just so adorable." and she feels her heart sing at his words. She flicks her gaze over to Gabby and Ken, both of whom are being careful to not look in their direction.

"Adorable huh?" she teases, tilting her head up towards him and raising her eyebrows

"Yeah," he breathes, pulling her gently into his arms, "so adorable." he adds ghosting his lips over hers, giving her a soft kiss while inwardly marvelling at the freedom that a lack of regulations brings.

"Mmm." she purrs happily and he chuckles, releasing her from his arms.

"I should get back to work." he says affectionately, his eyes twinkling.

"Yes...you should." she replies, her own smile widening, but neither of them move.

"Go," she says after awhile, "Jump to it. I want my ship in tip top condition, so get to it. Go on, on the double!" He laughs.

"Yes ma'am," he barks back in mock-seriousness, before adding, "Give me a little time Shepard, and I'll make her dance for you."

"Careful," Keira replies trying not to laugh, "You're starting to sound like Joker. You planning on leaving me for the _Normandy_?"

"Never." He says.

"Keep up the good work,"' She calls to the engine room in general as she leaves. Before turning and adding, "Talk to you later Alenko." He grins.

"I'd like that Ma'am." he replies playing along, causing her to laugh before giving her a cheeky wink and turning back towards the consoles.


	20. Chapter Nineteen: Dinner

A/N Hey guys I haven't died I promise look see? *waves* sorry it's been so long though, in my defence writing masters' thesis is kinda exhausting and stressful so sorry for the lack of update. Still never mind it's due in a week and then I'll have LOTS of time for story.

Thanks for all the adds though they made sure I didn't forget this. And thanks yo-sirrah for all her wonderful beta-ing

Bioware's toys I just like to play.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Nineteen - Dinner. <strong>

At eighteen-hundred hours Shepard walks into the mess hall to find it more or less deserted.

"Where is everyone?" she asks and Jack, the only occupant in the mess, looks up from the plate of food already in front of her and shrugs.

"How the fuck would I know?" Shepard groans. Granted, her crew had seemed to like the idea of taking the evenings off but she knew them and they were probably so buried in what they were doing that they hadn't even noticed the time. If she was honest with herself she wouldn't have remembered either but she'd been careful to set a reminder on her omni-tool, and if she was taking a break the rest of the crew were too. Determined that her rule should be observed, Shepard turns and heads towards Miranda's office to begin rounding up her crew.

Ten minutes, and a few death threats later, everyone is eventually seated around the mess table. Gardener, having been told about Shepard's new ruling had been sure to make enough to feed everyone at once. Shepard sat in the middle of the table on one side, Kaidan on her right, Garrus on her left, Joker opposite. Surrounded by her boys again and she feels happier than she has in months.

For the first few moments everyone is silent, contentedly eating, but gradually, as they begin to relax, the talking breaks out. Keira is careful to make sure that no one talks about anything to do with the repairs and soon they're all laughing as they share stories from various past exploits.

"...and then the fuck-wit says, 'Come on sweetheart you can't dress like that and not give a man what he needs' and he grabs my ass! So I break his arm and tell him my outfit is none of his damn business and took the money anyway." Jack finishes to the general amusement of most of the table.

"You're insane." Joker says while laughing.

"Yup." she replies, spearing her potatoes with relish.

"Hey," Garrus chimes in, "Remember when we got back from Feros and Joker kept us in decontamination for twenty minutes so the 'smell' wouldn't get on to his precious ship?" Kaidan snorts into his dinner.

"Yeah," he replies, "as I recall, s_omeone _wasn't too happy about that." he adds, glancing left towards Shepard.

"Hey," an indignant Shepard interjects, "in my defence I was _covered _in the quite frankly _disgusting _remains of the Thorian and tired from battling trillions of Geth and all I wanted was to get on _my _ship and have a shower. Pilots stopping Commanders from doing such things is a bad idea. Ask anyone."

"Yeah, but there was still no reason to threaten to break_ all_ my bones in a slow and painful manner," Joker shoots back from opposite her, "you really hurt my feelings that day you know." Kaidan and Shepard share a surprised glance.

"Wait," Kaidan says, "Joker, you have feelings?"

"Oh ha ha," the pilot replies acidly while everyone laughs, "Shut up Alenko, unless you want me to give a detailed account of what happened on the way to Ilos..." Kaidan raises an eyebrow at his friend.

"What _did _happen on the way to Ilos then Joker?" Shepard pipes up from beside him, "and," she adds before he has a chance to answer, "how do _you _know about it?" Kaidan laughs.

"Good point," he agrees, "because if you were spying on events that may or may not have happened on the way to Ilos you are _far_ more twisted than I thought."

"Ew, dude," is Joker's only reply, "just, ew." Shepard laughs.

"Hey, remember when we found the crater on that moon near Noveria and took the Mako rally driving!" she says.

"I'd forgotten about that," Garrus replies, "As I recall I won."

"No you didn't," Kaidan adds, "I beat your time by two seconds."

"On your second try."

"So?"

"So I never got a second try because Shepard crashed it." Garrus finishes and Keira is unsurprised to discover that her crew finds this highly amusing.

"I didn't crash it _per se,_" she interjects defensively, "it was your shoddy repair work after Tali destroyed the breaks."

"I didn't destroy the breaks!" Tali pipes up, thoroughly enjoying this trip down memory lane.

As they argue Shepard sits back a little, dropping out of the conversation, enjoying the hum of her crew's voices and laughter around her. She smiles to herself as she listens to the people she loves, the people she brought together, talk to each other completely relaxed, like a little family. She's surprised that this group of random rag-tags could converse so easily but she's happy that they can.

"What's that smile for?" Kaidan questions, quietly turning away from the conversation he'd been having with Garrus and Tali.

"Nothing, just happy." she replies loving the fact that his expression lightens when she says this. He takes hold of her hand from where it's resting on her lap and gives it a gentle squeeze.

"Then I'm happy you're happy." he says.

Eventually, one by one, the crew make their excuses and leave with Shepard's warning against doing any work buzzing in their ears until finally only Keira and Kaidan remain.

"Hey, where did everybody go?" Keira asks having finally torn her eyes away from Kaidan's long enough to actually notice.

"I...uhhh...think they left." Kaidan replies, catching Keira's eyes, and they both laugh, embarrassed that they'd been so wrapped up in each other that they hadn't even noticed the last few people leaving the mess hall. Keira shakes her head.

"I'm a bad Commander" she states.

'Hardly'

"No, I mean it," she insists laughing, "I literally have no idea where my crew are right now."

"You're not supposed to when they're on shore leave." Kaidan points out gently. Keira laughs and gazes at him, taking in his soft brown eyes and his warm, heart-stopping half smile. She can't help but love him utterly and completely.

"Come on you," she says softly, "let's go upstairs."

"Lead the way Commander." he replies.


	21. Chapter Twenty: Arguments

A/N Sooo... I finally finished my dissertation YAY! So hopefully I'll have more time to write better chapters and we can go back to regular updates, good times all round!

I apologise if this isn't great btw, I've been busy but it will get better soon I promise.

Thanks yo-sirrah as always

Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty - Arguments<strong>

Over the course of the week Keira and Kaidan developed a happy little routine. They spent the days bringing the _Normandy_ back up to speed, dinner while chatting with the crew, and the evenings curled up together in her cabin. Keira wonders when she last felt this happy. She knows it won't last, knows that he has to leave soon, knows that the Reapers are coming but right now she's not thinking about any of that, content to merely enjoy the moments she spends relaxed in the company of her crew, her friends, and her lover. All the people she loves in one place, with just enough spare time to actually be able to enjoy it.

One evening in particular finds Kaidan and Keira in her cabin arguing.

"We're watching _The Great Escape_."

"We're watching _Star Wars_."

"No we're not."

"Yes we are."

"No."

"Yes."

"No!" Keira insists, laughing, "You just want to watch _Star Wars_ because of that princess Leeha chick, and because it's all technical and geeky," she accuses, grinning at him sat next to her on the sofa.

"Okay, first of all, its princess _Leia _and second of all, it has nothing to do with her since she's not a patch on you and thirdly it's an _amazing _film." Keira smiles, loving the fact they have the time to have a completely useless argument about normal little things like this.

Bored with watching random extranet vids, they'd decided to have a proper old-fashioned movie night complete with old movies, just the two of them. The problem was that there were a lot of old movies but, after much discussion, they'd finally narrowed it down to these last two and neither was budging. They were sat on the sofa side by side, rejected disks scattered around them, her clutching _The Great Escape_ and him clutching _Star Wars_. Neither of them really cared which they ended up watching but they had both had too few opportunities in the past to argue like contrary children over nothing.

"Well however good it is, this," she replies holding up her disk, "is a _million _times better." Kaidan stares her in shock.

"Wait, you haven't even _seen Star Wars_?" he asks incredulously and Keira has to fight the urge to laugh at Kaidan's completely shocked expression.

"Well I'm sorry if I was too busy _saving the galaxy _to sit and watch _Star Wars_ with you." she laughs.

"Well that's decided then," He says after a moment, "We're _definitely _watching _Star Wars_." and before she can protest he leaps up heading towards the terminal.

"Oh no you don't Alenko," Keira calls sticking out her legs as he passes, causing him to stumble and land sprawled on the corner side of the sofa. Keira leaps up pinning his shoulders to the back of the sofa and quickly straddling him, "now," she begins attempting to be serious, "we are going to watch _The Great Escape_ and you are going to behave yourself or I may have to punish you a little bit." Kaidan groans as her voice drops to that sexy purr that always drove him insane, her body pinning his to the seat.

"You're going to punish me for simply disagreeing with you Commander?" he rasps, loving the way she bites her lip when the sound of his voice becomes dark and husky like that.

"You bet I am," she replies, "and it could take a long... long...long time." she adds punctuating her words with kisses on his cheek, nose and lips.

"Hmm," he mumbles, snaking his arms around her hips, "but then we might not get to actually watch the movie."

"True," she replies, "but I think this is more important."

"I agree." he murmurs and she lowers her mouth to his, kissing him gently. He groans as she slides her tongue into his mouth to dance with his.

"See," she says pulling back, "you're learning already Alenko. Never argue with Commander Shepard."

"I don't know Keira," he growls back, "I think I still need a little instruction."

"That sounds like arguing to me, Alenko." she states smiling wickedly.

"That may be because I am arguing, Shepard."

"You just don't know when to quit do you?"

"Nope." he replies. She grins and leans forward to kiss him again

"Hey...uh...Commander?" Jokers voice comes over the comm. And Keira freezes, her lips tantalizingly close to his.

"Just like old times." Kaidan mutters, and Keira laughs

"What is it Joker?" she calls.

"EDI just told me Liara's on the line. Says it's important."

Keira sighs, a little annoyed that the moment has been interrupted, but she shifts away from Kaidan and crosses the room to activate her terminal, "What can I do for you Liara?" she questions, rallying herself immediately, always ready to help.

"It's more a case of what I can do for you, Shepard," the Asari replies, "I hear your ship took a beating. I'd like to help." Shepard raises her eyebrows in mild surprise.

"Really?" she queries. "Well I won't deny we could use some help but you don't owe me anything Liara, you don't have to do this."

"Actually, I... do owe you Shepard, more than you realise." Liara replies and Shepard hears a distinct note of sadness behind her voice. There's a story behind her words somewhere and at some point Keira resolves to find out what it is, but now isn't the time.

"If you say so Liara, I'm just grateful for the help."

"Anytime Shepard. How soon can you be in Illium? I'll have some funds and parts ready for you."

"I'll plot a course right away." she replies.

"Very good Shepard," Liara says, her face brightening, "I'll see you soon." and with that Liara deactivates her terminal, vanishing from the screen.

"What was all that about?" Kaidan questions from his position on the sofa. Shepard shrugs and moves to sit beside him, settling herself in his arms.

"No idea," she replies "But I'm not about to pass up help from a friend."

"True," Kaidan says, wrapping his arms around her more securely, pulling her closer and settling her head against his shoulder, "So," he breathes in her ear, "Where were we?" he whispers and he feels her shudder against him at the sound of his voice. She smiles as she nuzzles his neck.

"You know, I can't seem to remember..." she mutters, running her tongue along his jaw line. He groans, and it doesn't take them too long to end up tangled in the bed sheets, the movie completely forgotten.


	22. Chapter Twenty One: Ilium

A/N So usual stuff, - thanks yo-Sirrah and thanks for the adds guys and Bioware owns all. Job done.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-One - Ilium <strong>

The next morning after a quick consultation with Joker, EDI, Kaidan and Garrus, Shepard gives the order to head to Ilium, confident in her team's assessment of the _Normandy's_ ability to make the journey. From the reports she'd actually managed to skim through, she'd deduced that by and large the _Normandy_ was once again fully-functional, but the repair work was makeshift at best. Most of the restoration had been completed using scrap left over from the mission and cut-priced parts that could barely be described as adequate. Miranda and Kasumi, having been largely unsuccessful in finding funds, had been forced to buy the necessary bits and pieces with credits made from whatever they had managed to sell off and also from Shepard's personal account, in which the reserves were already dwindling fast. In spite of the interruption, Liara's call was frankly more than welcome and had actually been desperately needed. In fact, the only completely successful endeavours had been Legion and Tali's examination of EDI, who had fortunately been found to be free of any connection to TIM and had been expertly examined and even upgraded. Kaidan had also managed to improve the engines somewhat, discreetly using his Alliance connections to commandeer various bits and pieces that had somehow ended up on Omega. As for the weapons systems, they were back online but with less than half of the firepower they'd had previously. All in all Shepard had come to the conclusion that the_ Normandy_ would have to use Liara's vast resources if it was to have any hope of surviving the trials to come.

She stands behind Joker's chair, one hand resting on its back and the other on her hip, poised for action, just in case some of the repair work doesn't withstand the jump. As Joker's hands fly across the console expertly plotting the flight path, she hears a familiar tread behind her and turns to see Kaidan entering the cockpit.

"I uh...thought you might want me at tactical." he answers in response to her quizzical glance. It was one of the things that made him such a good officer. He always made sure that all those little orders that sometimes slipped her mind were carried out, always in the exact manner that she wanted them to be without her ever needing to tell him. She smiles, pleased that this particular dynamic of their relationship has also somehow been resurrected, another piece of her old life falling into place, despite the fact that this particular time he's wrong. She notices his gaze flicker to the right of Jokers chair to where his co-pilot chair used to be.

"Nah, you've been replaced Alenko." Joker tells him helpfully as she turns her attention back to the screen and Kaidan moves to stand beside her.

"Replaced?" he questions, tilting his head to look down at Joker.

"Yeah, with EDI. I'd take her over you any day." Joker replies with his usual sarcastic tone though his expression remains that of total concentration.

Shepard remains quiet as she listens to their conversation, their banter reminding her of her very first day aboard the original _Normandy_, and their very first relay jump.

"You replaced me with a computer?"

"No, I replaced you with an AI."

"I'm hurt." Kaidan states, placing a hand on his heart mockingly.

"Aww. Shepard'll kiss it better for you, I'm sure." Joker shoots back, a grin breaking out on his face.

"Actually," Shepard interjects, "I will need you here Alenko. I might need you to take the helm in case the pilot gets mysteriously tossed out the airlock." she smirks, still a little surprised that it's so easy for them to fall back into the old ways.

"Now I'm hurt Commander." Joker replies, the grin fading from his face and the three of them falling silent as the relay appears in front of the ship. Shepard tenses and unconsciously holds her breath as the ship shudders, passing through the relay. Blue light crackles across the viewport only to be instantly replaced with the sight of vast, open space. Shepard lets out a sigh of relief.

"Drift just under 1500K as usual, Commander." Joker announces. Shepard nods.

"Nicely done Joker," she says, turning to Kaidan and adding, "I want you and Garrus suited up and ready for groundside. There should be a spare set of armour for you lying around somewhere." He nods. He'd been wondering if she had been planning to take him with her and he's pleased that even though he hadn't always been aboard she still wants the old squad working together above any other possible choice.

"Aye ma'am." he replies on reflex before heading to the armoury to hunt down a set of armour, not that it would necessarily be needed, but with Shepard around it was always best to be prepared.

A short while later the three of them step onto the dock in Ilium and Shepard is surprised to find Liara herself waiting for them.

"Shepard." Liara greets in that older, more matronly voice that Keira still isn't quite used to

"Liara," she replies as she embraces the Asari, "Listen, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this..."

"It's not a problem, Shepard." Liara states, wrapping her arms around Shepard and smothering her gratitude. Her gaze travels to the companion on Shepard's right and Shepard sees her eyes widen.

"It is good to see you again, Kaidan." she says, and her voice betrays none of the surprise that had been evident seconds earlier. Kaidan shifts his weight from one foot to the other before replying;

"And you Liara." Inwardly Keira smiles. Despite the camaraderie that had existed aboard the SR-1, Liara and Kaidan had never quite warmed to each other, and Keira had never been sure how much of the coolness between them was due to jealously over herself or whether it was mostly on his side or hers.

"Come." Liara orders, activating her omni-tool and gesturing them to follow, walking a short way down the dock to where there are several crates piled in a meticulously organised fashion.

"These are for you," Liara gestures toward the crates, "I was able to get a little information on the exact quantity of damage to the _Normandy_. This should be more or less everything you need." Behind her, Keira feels Kaidan shift a little, no doubt surprised at Liara's wealth of information. "I've also put a few thousand credits into your account, Shepard." Liara continues and Keira immediately opens her mouth to protest.

"That's not necessary..." she begins.

"Perhaps not, but you know I will do anything I can to help you, Shepard." Liara counters immediately, "besides, it's already been done." She smiles fondly at Keira and deactivates her omni tool. A movement captures the gaze of all four of them and they turn their head towards it, seeing Liara's secretary waving to her from the other side of the dock.

"I have to go," Liara states, handing Keira a data pad. "Here is a list of everything in the crates, just so you know what you have. Take care, Shepard." Keira nods taking the data pad.

"Thanks..." she replies in a tone that gives away her utter sincerity. Liara nods, placing a reassuring hand on Shepard's arm and throwing a look in Kaidan's direction that Keira can't quite interpret before she stalks off in the direction of her secretary. The three of them watch her leave.

"Well that was...interesting." Kaidan comments.

"She's changed, hasn't she?" Keira states, her eyes focused on the data pad Liara had just given her, skimming its contents.

"She has indeed," Garrus adds, gently hitting Kaidan on the shoulder, "don't worry," he grins at his human comrade, "I was just as surprised as you are." Kaidan laughs.

"Good." he replies

"All right you two," Keira chimes in, "enough chit-chat. Let's get these crates aboard the _Normandy _before someone steals them." She finishes skimming the data pad and turns to face them, handing the pad to Kaidan. "See if you can't get each of these crates where they need to go." Kaiden nods, taking the pad as he easily slides into the role of unofficial second-in-command.

"What will you be doing?" he queries.

"I'm going to properly catch up with Liara, try to find out why she's bothering to do all this." Keira states dismissively, her eyes already turned in the direction that Liara had taken.

"Alone?" His concern is evident in his voice. She throws him a warning look, because while his concern for her is touching it's also unnecessary, and while fine in private she had never needed it groundside.

"No, I'm going with Tali." she answers simply and Kaidan nods, satisfied.

When she arrives back at the ship it's long past eighteen-hundred hours but she's sure that Kaidan would have seen to it that her crew had still taken their break. When she steps into the lift she automatically hits the button for the loft before realising that she should probably eat something and so she enters her room wondering if she can persuade Kaidan to bring her something up so she can relax without having to meet with everybody on her way to the mess, but when she enters the cabin that they are both sharing for the time being, she sees that he isn't there. She frowns.

"EDI, where is Alenko?" she calls.

"Commander Alenko is currently in the med-bay." replies the synthetic voice.

'_Migraine' _she thinks to herself, and sure enough when she enters the med bay he's there, led on the gurney at the very back of the bay with the lighting turned low and one arm draped over his eyes. He doesn't move as she enters, probably able to tell that it's her from the sound of her footsteps treading along the grating. Wordlessly and as quietly as possible, she takes a cloth from Chakwas' supplies and pulls out one of the ice packs from the medical freezer, and wrapping the cloth around the pack she softly pads over to him and places it delicately on his forehead.

'Thanks,' he mumbles, wincing at the loudness of his own voice. She nods. She had often done this before and she knew the ice pack helped ease the tension, but sometimes, if the migraine hit too quickly, then he didn't have the time to prepare it and on these occasions she did it for him. As much as she always wanted to take care of him, she knew that there was very little else besides this that she could do and so without another word she tiptoes out of the med bay locking the door behind her, knowing that he'll join her in the loft as soon as it passes and he is able to move again.

The next morning Keira once again assembles her crew in the briefing room, only this time she knows exactly what needs doing.

"Okay," she begins, holding the list Liara had given her in her hand, "Miranda and Kasumi, you stay in charge of finance. We've got a little extra from Liara which she tells me should be in my private account already, but see if we can't sell the parts we picked up on Omega for a little more and keep searching for alternate sources of income. The more we have, the better," she orders, directing her comments to the two women directly across the table from her. They nod simultaneously, "also," she adds after a little thought, "before anyone buys anything, I want you to make sure it's both feasible and completely necessary."

"No problem Shepard." Miranda replies composedly. Keira nods, once again marvelling at Miranda's total and complete personality reversal. In the briefing room and in any official capacity, Miranda was just as poised as ever, but at dinner she had gradually lightened up and they had all been a little surprised to discover just how witty she could be. Shaking her head, Keira continues;

"Legion," she calls, turning to address the Geth platform, "keep working with EDI. Now that we know she's not connected to TIM try and see if she has some Cerberus data buried within her core somewhere. Look for anything we can use to stay them off should Timmy-boy decide that he wants his most expensive assets back."

"Understood, Shepard Commander." The Geth responds, his head plates flaring.

"Tali, you're in engineering. Liara's given you a lot of new playthings down there and I'm counting on you to make the _Normandy_ better and faster than ever."

"Of course, Shepard." Tali replies, causing Keira to smile as she detects the same excitement in her voice as she'd heard in Kaidan's when she'd given him the exact same order.

"Liara's also given us some new toys for the armoury," Keira adds, "Jacob, that's your domain." she finishes and inclines her head in his direction.

"Aye aye." Jacob says and he makes a little half movement with his right arm as if he's about to salute, but when he shuffles his arm awkwardly and lets it drop back to his side Keira is relieved to see that he finally seems to have got the message and has remembered her request.

"Good." she states, nodding both at his acceptance of the task and his lack of salute.

"Thane, Mordin, keep at what you're doing now. Anything you can recommend weapons-wise, let Jacob know," she says, glancing in their direction, "Jack and Samara, see what you can do with the outer hull. Patch work, painting, whatever it needs." she orders, knowing that this task is far easier for biotics, who are quite capable of lifting large sheets of metal into the air without much effort, than it would be for anyone else, and just for Jack she adds;

"And get that Cerberus logo off my ship." and Jack leers at her, her expression unmistakeably tainted with that dark sense of humour that had become her trademark.

"Sure thing!" she agrees readily.

"Finally, Grunt, I'll need you to lift the crates about if and when people need it, so be on standby okay?" Grunt nods.

"Battle master," he replies. He looks less than thrilled, or at least as displeased as a Krogan ever looks, but she's confident he'll do it none the less.

"And just so we're clear, the eighteen-hundred rule is still in effect and it applies to all of you," she says, feeling pleased when her crew smiles back at her, happy that they've been enjoying this particular rule as much as she is. 'Understood?' she queries and one after the other they all nod their assent. "Good. Dismissed." Her crew immediately begin filing out of the room in twos and threes, ready to go about their assigned tasks. Briefly she turns her attention back to the data pad in her hand, scanning its contents one more time before raising her head and seeing that neither Garrus nor Kaidan have moved.

"Something wrong boys?" she questions, her gaze flicking between them.

"You left us out Shepard." Garrus replies.

"No I didn't," she grins, "I have a special project in mind for the two of you..."


	23. Chapter Twenty Two: Project

A/N So just a bit of fun with Kaidan and Garrus and their project. Enjoy!

As always thanks to yo-sirrah for beta-ing and of course Bioware owns all the good stuff.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-Two - Project. <strong>

Man and Turian stand side-by-side, feet apart, arms folded as they survey the object before them. It's hard to tell whether the thing is a piece of technology or a small forest.

"What happened to it?" Kaidan asks, partially in awe of the spectacular level of destruction before him. Beside him Garrus shrugs.

"Shepard happened to it." he states and Kaidan exhales a long, low whistle, no longer surprised. He remembers Shepard's terrible driving all too well.

"You let her drive?" he queries, raising an eyebrow as he looks towards his friend. Garrus shrugs again.

"She insisted." and Kaidan nods. There's not a lot a person can do when Shepard insists on something.

"We should get started." he says and Garrus agrees, and yet neither of them move.

"I don't know how she manages it." he ponders cocking his head to one side, still surveying the damage. They hear the sound of the hangar door opening and see Shepard approaching them. She walks with that lighter step and she still has a smile gracing her features and it warms both their hearts to see it.

"Afternoon boys," she greets cheerfully, coming to stand between them, "how're you getting on?" Kaidan and Garrus look at each other and then simultaneously back to the Hammerhead. One thing's for sure - it's going to be a long, long afternoon. Shepard looks at one and then the other, struggling not laugh at the completely lost expressions on their faces, "Well," she continues realising she's not going to get an answer to her question, "if anyone can fix it, it's you two." she claps a hand on each of their shoulders and turns to leave the way she came, off to check on someone else. "Good luck" she calls back to them. Two pairs of eyes watch her go and then slide back to survey their mammoth task.

"We really should get started." Garrus states.

"Hmm." Kaidan agrees, but once again neither of them move.

At some point however they must have eventually got to work because when Shepard comes back later that afternoon the Hammerhead looks less like a natural disaster and more like an actual vehicle.

"Try it now." Kaidan calls up to Garrus from where he's led on the floor fiddling with something on the underside of the Hammerhead. Garrus tries for the thousandth time to get it started again and it briefly splutters into life only to cut out seconds later. Shepard watches all this from the doorway, amused at the sight of her boys and their project.

"I don't understand it," Garrus is saying, "maybe we should try replacing the power converters?" Kaidan mumbles something she can't hear and Garrus laughs. Time for her to intervene.

"Coffee break boys." she calls, coming towards them carrying a tray of drinks. Coffee for her and Kaidan and something Gardner assures her is the Turian equivalent for Garrus. Kaidan slides out from under the Hammerhead, smiling as he sees her. He stands up and wipes his dirty hands on a nearby cloth. She watches him move, reminded of how sexy she finds him when he's fixing things. _'He's good with his hands' _she thinks. As she passes his cup to him she wonders briefly if she can get away with _accidently_ turning up the heating in the hangar so he'll have to work with his shirt off. _'I would enjoy that sight...' _she thinks, already picturing the mental image.

"What's that smile for Keira?" he questions, watching her, clocking the mischievous glint in her eye. She blushes as she realises she's been staring at him.

"Nothing." she replies a little too quickly. He arches an eyebrow at her.

"You're up to something." he states.

"No I'm not...how's it going?" she questions, trying to change the subject. Kaidan throws her a suspicious look before briefly turning his gaze back towards the Hammerhead.

"Not good." he states deciding to let it go for the moment, looking behind him to survey the vehicle that in his head has managed to take the title of Most Annoying Piece of Tech Ever from the Mako.

"Not good doesn't cover it," Garrus adds, leaping down to join them and taking his own cup off the tray, "you really gave it a beating Shepard. I'm beginning to wonder if you ever actually passed a driving test." Kaidan snorts.

"Hey," she replies in mock indignation, "I don't recall either of you complaining when I was saving our asses with my Mako driving skills."

"That's because we were too sick to speak." Kaidan retorts without missing a beat and she glares at him playfully.

"Keep laughing boys," she replies, "and I'll insist that I drive every time we take this thing out, which means you two will have to repair it. Every. Single. Time." she adds, fighting the urge to laugh as they look at each other in horror.

"No need for that Shepard." Garrus assures her.

"None at all." Kaidan agrees. She's about to ask them if they're sure because she really, _really _doesn't mind driving again but Miranda's voice interrupts through the comm. system.

"Shepard, we think we found something. You should see this." she calls.

"Be right there Miranda," she replies, "Talk to you later boys."

"We'll be here if you need us," Garrus says turning back to the Hammerhead.

"See you." Kaidan adds smiling and she can't resist leaning forwards to kiss him quickly on the cheek. He grins and winks at her before moving over to join Garrus. On her way out as she passes the console she glances back. She sees both of them staring intently at something on the side of the Hammerhead, they aren't looking at her. _'Screw it,' _she thinks as she reaches out towards the console, turning the thermostat up, _'just a few degrees...'_ Now she'll definitely have to find time for another visit down here this afternoon. Grinning to herself she sweeps out of the hangar heading to Miranda's office.

As eighteen-hundred hours approaches, Shepard begins her round up tour of the ship. She practically drags Miranda out of her office and has to call Tali away from the engine room several times before the Quarian finally makes her way to the mess. She deliberately leaves the boys in the hangar until last, her body tingling in anticipation of the sight that awaits her there. Once she's happy that everyone else is a least vaguely aware that she's expecting them in the mess for dinner she makes her way to the hangar.

The cold blast of air that greets her as the door opens is an unwelcome surprise and not the one she was expecting. She frowns, wondering briefly if she had accidently turned the thermostat down instead of up, but she's sure she turned it up. She looks towards the Hammerhead which is now completely devoid of foliage but she can't see either Kaidan or Garrus anywhere. She shivers in the cold.

"Something wrong, Commander?" a voice behind her sounds and she wheels around to face a grinning, but sadly not shirtless, Kaidan.

"Bit cold in here isn't it?" she questions, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. A mysterious gleam appears in Kaidan's eyes.

"Is it?" he retorts. "I think it's rather warm myself." he adds grinning in delight, his eyes still twinkling. Shepard tries not to grin and blush in case her expression confirms his suspicions. She's sure he's onto her but she doesn't yet know what he's planning to do about it. She coughs.

"Yes. Well," She says, "its eighteen-hundred hours so off to the mess. Both of you." He smiles and the mischievous glint falls out of his eyes.

"Sure," he agrees readily, "we'll just get cleaned up." and he moves past her heading for the water tap in the corner of the hangar. When he reaches the Hammerhead he knocks loudly on the door and Garrus sticks his head out.

"Dinner." Kaidan calls to him and Garrus jumps down joining Kaidan at the water tap before the three of them head up to the mess.


	24. Chapter Twenty Three: Revenge

A/N so... umm *blushes* lemons I guess? Never written one before, twas just an experiment, totally totally skip-able.

Thanks yo-Sirrah you vunerful editor you!

Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-Three – Revenge. <strong>

Dinner is the noisy, crazy, pleasurable time it usually is and it's not until they're alone in her cabin that Kaidan says...

"I've got a bone to pick with you." She looks up from the data pad she's reading and twists her head back to look at him. He's leaning next to the door to her bathroom; arms folded, legs crossed, looking completely serious. She wonders what's happened.

"What's up?" she questions, turning to face him and dropping the holo pad onto her desk. He pushes himself off the wall and comes to stand in front between her and the terminal, still looking austere.

"That thing you pulled in the hangar today?" he queries as the corner of his mouth twitches, the mischievous glint making its reappearance in his eyes.

"I don't know what you mean." she replies, smiling herself and widening her eyes, playing innocent. He raises his eyebrow at her.

"Trying to trick your crewmembers into walking around half naked?" he continues, "That's abuse of power Shepard. I could have you court marshalled." he states seriously, but his expression is now anything but. He moves towards her, a hunter stalking his prey and she backs up automatically, wary of his attack.

"You wouldn't dare." she shoots back at him, glaring, playing along.

"Oh I would," he replies backing her towards the fish tanks, "that is, unless you're willing to persuade me not to..." his voice is suddenly a deep purring sound, silky soft and dangerous. She finds it's suddenly difficult to breathe.

"I can persuade you." she says sultrily. He nods.

"True." and he swoops, seizing her arms and forcibly pinning her against the tank. She gasps, suddenly finding herself completely helpless against him, held hostage in her own cabin.

"Or," he purrs, his mouth so close to her own but not yet touching, "I could teach you a lesson right now." and she can do nothing but whimper as he captures her lips with his own. Fixing her with a scoring lust-filled gaze that sends a pulse of heat straight between her thighs he moves his mouth slowly to her neck, smirking as she gasps when his lips touch her there. He flicks his tongue behind her ear, slowly moving his kisses down her neck, alternating between licking, sucking and gentle biting. Keira can do nothing but throw her head back as he continues his attack, his tongue seeking out all the sensitive spots they both know are there. He finds the pulse in her neck and sucks hard letting a shimmer of dark energy flow from his mouth to her and she feels her knees buckle.

He feels her slipping a little and instantly lifts her into his arms. She wraps her legs around his waist, dragging her now free hands through his hair and pulling his mouth against hers. Her movement forces his hips against hers and this causes them both to moan once again. He continues kissing her feverishly until, supporting her weight in one arm, he reaches up to pull her head back by her hair, exposing her neck to him. She reaches down his back, her fingers clutching at his shirt but their bodies are too firmly pressed together and there isn't enough space between them for her to be able to relieve him of it.

"Fuck." she whispers, frustrated. He raises his head from her neck.

"Something wrong Shepard?" he asks in a low voice, fixing her with a gaze that could burn the sun away. She gasps at the way those dark brown eyes are so frankly regarding her.

"You're wearing clothes," she murmurs in a low tone, "you should let me rectify that." she fixes him with her own lust-filled stare. A slow smile spreads across his face. He lifts her in his arms more securely and carries her towards the bed.

"Oh, I will Shepard," he lays her down and clambers on top of her. Lowering his mouth to her ear he whispers, "as soon as I've taught you a lesson." and he hears her breath hitch in anticipation. Keeping his gaze fixed on hers he grabs both her wrists and, raising them above her head, he pins them there securely with one hand. He resumes his assault on her neck, this time on the other side. At first he's gentle, placing fluttering kisses along the line of her neck, and then licking and nibbling, his hot breath ghosting over her skin causing her to shiver beneath him. He uses his other hand to slowly push her shirt up swallowing her cries with his lips, his tongue dancing with hers. Reaching his one free arm behind her, he un-clasps her bra with a deft flick of his fingers and releases her, pulling her up into a sitting position while he whips off her shirt and bra, throwing them behind him before pinning her back to the bed and leaving her no time for any reaction other than her gasping breath.

He grins at her and slowly moves his kisses down her neck and across her naked chest, loving the sound of her heavy breathing and soft cries. When he captures one of her nipples in his mouth she moans aloud, arching into him, pushing more of her into his mouth. She writhes beneath him and her leg rubs against him causing him to groan around her nipple. She does it again trying to speed him up, to drive him crazy with desire but he shifts his weight above her using his legs to pin hers to the bed. Her frustrated moan makes him smile. He moves his free hand to her belt buckle, slowly teasing her trousers open and kissing her all the while. He finds he has to release her in order to relieve her of the rest of her clothing. When he does she wastes no time in bolting upright, seizing hold of him and pulling at his shirt, desperate to run her hands over his naked skin but he pulls her clothes off too quickly and he's soon able to seize her wrists again, pushing her hands away from his body and trapping them against her sides once again pinning her to the bed.

"Kaidan, please, this isn't fair." she groans.

"I'm sorry Shepard," he growls, "but I'm afraid you have to learn your lesson." he hums against her lips, grinning as this sentence tears another frustrated moan from her throat.

He moves her arms above her head again and lies alongside her naked form, still fully clothed. She's panting now and her eyes are dangerously dark with desire and he can see how desperate she is to touch him, but he isn't going to let her, not yet, and so he slowly runs his free hand down her body, capturing her lips. He moves his hand to her thigh and slowly slides it towards her centre, struggling to maintain contact as she writhes beneath him.

"Kaidan, please." she cries and this time she's really begging.

By this point he wants her almost as badly as she wants him so he releases her and this time he doesn't try to stop her as she tears off his clothes with frantic fingers, growling at him in a wildly erotic, animalistic way. When he's finally naked she pulls him roughly to her, desperate to feel him, finally able to run her hands all over his chest and when he enters her she feels her orgasm immediately rushing up to meet her and her cry ends with his name.

When they crash back onto the bed she's struggling to breathe, struggling to handle the sensations coursing through her body. She hears Kaidan chuckle somewhere to the right of her and she looks over to him.

"Well you needn't look so damn pleased with yourself." she snaps and he laughs, gathering her up in his arms.

"Sorry Ma'am." he grins back and she smiles against his chest, clutching him close to her.


	25. Twenty Four: A Different Kind of Dinner

A/N Soo nearing the end now people, I think I'm gonna do just one more chapter even. I hope you've all enjoyed the ride. I wrote this when I was all sad after Horizon and shiz so yeh tis extremely cheesy – you've been warned. But I love it anyway.

Thanks yo-sirrah as always espesh for making sure I kept going and Bioware owns it all, though I would hope that you all knew that anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty-Four – A Different kind of Dinner.<strong>

The next day was much the same as any other and consisted of repairs, reports and more repairs but with one important difference. Kaidan's week was up, and this small piece of information settled a little black raincloud over the entire crew, but over no-one more so than Kaidan himself. Keira hadn't bothered to tell him what to do so he'd been able to spend the entire day wandering around the ship, helping everyone out and spending a little time with each of them in the process. In the time he'd spent aboard he'd become part of the family, part of the team, and no-one was keen to see him leave.

Eighteen-hundred hours sees Keira impatiently shooing the last few crew members into the mess hall. She'd considered pushing the dinner hour forward so she could have more time with Kaidan on his last night with them, but there was still a lot to be done and she knew she couldn't really afford to. All she wanted now was to get dinner over with so they could have as much time as possible before he had to leave. As she takes her cursory sweep of the hall, counting heads, she realises someone is missing.

"Where's Kaidan?" she asks to the room in general. Garrus, Tali and Joker share a knowing glance at each other.

"I don't know Commander." Joker replies trying not to laugh "I haven't seen him all day."

"Didn't he say something about going up to the loft?" Garrus adds, his blue eyes twinkling.

"I think so," Tali adds, "You should go look for him up there." Shepard frowns at them.

"What're you all up too?" she questions, eyeing them with suspicion.

"_We _aren't up to anything Commander." Joker replies, and she doesn't miss his emphasis of the word '_we'_. "Now go on," he orders, "go upstairs and fetch loverboy." Keira frowns at them.

"I'm onto you." she says before sweeping towards the elevator. Behind her, her crew snickers.

"Kaidan?" she calls when she enters the loft. There's no reply but as her eyes sweep the room, she notices that the dress Kasumi had given her for her mission is laid out on the bed, the heeled shoes on the floor beneath it. As she gets closer she notices a note lying on top of the dress.

_Put it on, don't argue, I'm in portside observation. - K_

She smiles, puzzled but excited. Clearly Kaidan has something in store for her and she finds herself tingling in anticipation. She obeys his command and quickly changes into the dress sliding on the heels on and moving to check her reflection in the bathroom mirror. As she stares at herself she has a sudden thought and decides that she might as well really dress up properly for him, so she pulls her makeup case out from the cabinet and deftly reapplies her eyeliner. She also decides to ghost some blusher on her cheeks and opts for a slightly darker shade of red on her lips. As an afterthought she pulls her hair out of its tight bun, remembering how he had always preferred it down. Finally she wets her hands, running them quickly through her hair to reset the curls. _'There' _she thinks, _'that's better.' _

When she enters portside observation she gasps. The room is bathed in a soft glow and there's some gentle old-earth music playing the background. In the centre of the room there's a small round table set with dinner for two, complete with wine, and a delicious smell reaches her nostrils from the two covered plates thereon. Kaidan stands with his back to her facing out of the window. She notices he's wearing his dress blues and she remembers how good they had always looked on him. When he turns to face her, the light catching his face just right, and he smiles at her like that, she nearly forgets how to breathe. He turns and steps towards her, immediately gathering her up in his arms and kissing her.

"You look stunning," he tells her when they break apart, "You should wear dresses more often." he gently strokes the hair he loves so much. She blushes, still so unused to such compliments.

"Yeah well, don't get used to it," she replies, "I'm still a soldier, biotic boy." He grins at her and she feels her heart skip a beat.

"What is all this Kaidan?" she asks softly, gesturing to the room.

"I suddenly realised that in all the excitement two years ago, we never had time for a proper first date," he replies, and gently tucks her hair behind her ear, gazing at her as he does so, "I think it's time to correct that." She smiles up at him and feels her heart swell in her chest; she can't believe he's done all this for her.

"I've never actually been on a date." she admits to him blushing. He looks surprised for a moment but he recovers quickly.

"Well then," he replies, "I'd better make this night extra special." and he kisses her again, soft and slow and utterly perfect.

"Will you allow me to show you to your seat ma'am?" he questions as he moves away from her and offers his arm.

"Oh, of course" she replies as she takes it. He leads her over to the table, pulling out her seat for her, behaving like such a gentleman. She can't help but grin excitedly. He reaches out and retrieves the wine bottle from the centre of the table, pouring them both a glass, then he moves to the side and pulls the covers off the plates with a flourish.

"Dinner is served, madam." he states. Dinner turns out to be chicken fricassee complete with new potatoes and vegetables. As he takes his seat opposite her, she takes a bite.

"Mmm," she says as soon as she's swallowed, "This is good,"

"I'm glad you approve of my cooking skills." he chuckles.

"You made this?" she asks incredulously. She knew he could cook but it's still a surprise to find that he had cooked for her.

"Yeah," he replies shrugging, "I thought I'd spoil you."

"Thank you." she whispers softly.

"You're welcome."

They keep their conversation light and entertaining. They play the '_tell me something I don't know about you' _game again. They stay away from anything too serious, because right now they don't want to be reminded of tomorrow, of all the time they wasted or of their impending doom. Tonight is for them, for them to just be together, to love each other and nothing more; it's a night of respite, of normality.

"So," she says, after they've finished dinner, leaning forwards and resting her chin on interlocked fingers, "how exactly does a first date with Kaidan Alenko end?" He mimics her, leaning forward and folding his arms on the table.

"Well," he begins, "being the gentleman I am, I will of course escort you home."

"Oh, of course," she replies. He chuckles and lowers his head, shaking it gently. He raises his gaze to her and once again she finds it hard to breathe, staring into those soulful dark depths.

"Then usually, I'd kiss you at the door and go home," he continues, his eyes beginning to cloud over with desire, "but unfortunately, I have nowhere else to sleep tonight." She feels her heartbeat quicken.

"Well then," she manages to say around dry lips, "There's not a lot we can do about that is there?" she smiles, and in a low voice she adds. "I think it's time you walked me home."

"Of course ma'am." he breathes. He stands swiftly, walking around the table to her chair and holding out his hand for her to take, pulling her towards him when she does and she doesn't miss the way his eyes sweep her body as she stands. Curling her arm around his he leads them towards the elevator and when they enter her cabin he pulls her towards him, wrapping her up in his arms. She twines her arms around his neck, pulling him even closer. His kiss is soft and slow and it leaves her breathless and trembling. Gently, he scoops her up carrying her to the bed and laying her down on it.

"I love you." he whispers, gazing down at her affectionately.

"I love you too." Their lips meet again and they kiss, slowly, tenderly, lingering on until they've almost forgotten how to breathe. Their lovemaking is slow and sweet, their climaxes building gently but all the more satisfying for it and when they finally fall asleep they sleep curled up together, holding on to one another tightly, refusing to let go.


	26. Chapter Twenty Five: Goodbye

A/N Soo this is it I guess. The final chapter. Just want to say thanks to all those who've been reading and who added/reviewed I hope you've enjoyed it (and enjoy the ending). Also thanks majorly to yo-Sirrah who beta's at like the speed of light and who kept me going.

Bioware owns all.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twenty Five – Goodbye. <strong>

Early the next morning they stand outside the airlock facing each other, and neither of them know what to say. Saying goodbye to everyone else had been hard for him, especially to Garrus and Joker. It felt like leaving home all over again. But this farewell was obviously going to hurt the most. In all honesty he wasn't sure if he could do it, didn't know if he could leave her like this. He knew he had to but that didn't make it any easier to bear.

"I don't want you to go." she says finally in a timid voice, and he feels his heart shatter in his chest. Instinctively he wraps his arms around her, pulling her tightly to him and almost crushing her against his chest. She returns the embrace just as fiercely and it's as if they believe that if they hold each other tightly enough then they'll never have to let go.

"I don't want to go." he mumbles back, pressing his face into her neck. For a while they stay like that, both of them trying to permanently etch the other into their memory. Eventually they hear the shuttle pull up and they know that the time has come for them to separate. They pull apart, but only a little, and Kaidan gazes at her one last time. Cupping her face he pulls her lips to his, kissing her softly at first but then desperately and passionately, as he tries to convey everything he's feeling for her in that kiss. When they break apart they're both breathless.

"I love you." he tells her fiercely, reassuringly, holding her against him.

"I love you too." she whispers. He clutches her to him one last time before they have to tear themselves apart, fingers lingering as their hands finally let go. Kaidan braces himself, picking up his duffle and heading into the shuttle. When he gets to his seat the first thing he does is to look for her out of the window. She's smiling at him sadly.

"_See you_." she mouths, raising her hand in a mournful half-wave of farewell and he nods, throwing her a little half-salute in return as the shuttle takes off. She stands and watches the shuttle leave, waiting there until it's completely out of sight before turning and heading back to the _Normandy._

When she reaches her cabin she sees something lying on the bed. When she examines it more closely she realises it's the chequered chambray shirt of his that he'd said had looked so much better on her, and there's a note beside it.

_-So you know it wasn't a dream._

_- I love you, _

_-Kaidan. _

She smiles and picks up the shirt, clutching it to her chest preciously. Taking some of the material in her fingers she brings it up to her nose, inhaling the scent that's ozone and spice and him.

"Thank you Kaidan." she whispers to it smiling. Even when he wasn't there he knew how to make her feel better.

"Commander, you have an incoming message from Admiral Steven Hackett." comes Kelly's voice over the comm.

"Thank you Kelly," she replies, "I'll take it up here." and dropping the shirt back on the bed she walks up to her desk, smiling at the picture of him that still sits there.

"Commander, thank you for your time," Hackett says as she opens the terminal, "I'll keep this brief..."


End file.
